The Diagnosis

I'm kind of a metaphor-o-holic; I just love them. I especially like using the medical model. So bear with me as I share from that sort of perspective.

I read recently of a woman who had cancer in her intestines. From the looks of things it didn't seem terminal and, (with the amazing technology we have at our disposal), removable. So a procedure was done in which four small incisions are made through which medical tools are inserted to more-or-less suck out the cancer. (It all seems like a video game of sorts to me). After the surgery, she recovered and appeared to be cancer-free. However only months later she was informed that it had "come back" more viciously than before. A second procedure was done in which surgeons pried her wide open on the operating table and hand-cut every piece of cancer, or pre-cancerous, material out. Now this is a gory picture; I know if I were in that operating room I'd be at least a little pale and nauseous (and that's if I were conscious)! I share it though because that's what the Great Physician has had to do with my heart.

I have a crippling, destructive, and aggressive disease: Fear. This is a condition whose very nature is anything but benign. It breeds lies, anger, confusion, frustration, selfishness, hurt, complacency, sadness, and even feigned apathy. Symptoms include swelling of pride, rapid heart-beat and restlessness, scattered thinking, unnecessary controlling tendencies, unusual pressure (as if carrying the world) on shoulder(s), and reoccurring thoughts of escaping, avoiding, and/or hiding, among others. It's most affected victims usually suffer from stagnancy; as it ranges from worry to panic to dread (to everything in between) to full-blown-crippling fear.

Once diagnosed, it's best to address the issue immediately. After all, the Great Physician doesn't ask us to ignore fear; instead to cast it on Him*. But, if not properly taken care of, it will return... most likely bigger and badder than ever before. You see, I'd opted with the less invasive procedure for my fear. And honestly, it worked for a time. Or perhaps I was able to ignore the initial returning symptoms. Whatever the matter, I was faced with a similar diagnosis recently but this time I knew it was time to address more than just the symptoms. Though more invasive, intrusive, and risky... my case called for all-out open heart surgery.

It's been a sort of on-going procedure this semester. Admittedly at times I get disgusted and even nauseous upon seeing some of the junk coming out of there. And truthfully, it's painful. I am continually tempted to numb myself with media, busyness, or other excuses. But I can't help but be reminded that these anesthetics are merely temporary and fleeting. Instead, in the midst of my squirming, I can't ignore the voice steadily saying "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."**

I'm vulnerable and fragile, but hopeful and confident. I relate to the Corinthians when it was written "In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." (Emphasis added)***. Like the psalmist David, I beg the Creator to "create in me a clean heart"#. I confidently walk toward the day of living in Freedom; a complete trust in, and obedience to, the Father. I've wasted so much time needing people instead of loving them and it's about time that changes. I've spent so much time planning instead of listening, and scurrying instead of seeking. Hello to the chapter of renovation, transformation and getting well, that I've been praying for. You've arrived sooner than I expected, but right on time.


*1 Peter 5:7
**Isaiah 41:10
***2 Corinthians 1:9
#Psalm 51:10