displaced but not defeated

It only takes a drop of doubt to create a storm of fear and but a moment of submission to deceit to be overwhelmed.  It only takes a single false judgment to feel consumed by shame and a subtle poke at a wound to stir up a world of pain.

Somewhere between graduating college and stumbling into this transitory season I stopped fighting.  But about a week ago, in the middle of the night, somewhere between heavy tears and throwing punches to heaven I decided something had to change.

It only takes a mustard-seed of faith to move a mountain and a whispered "yes" for our Creator to come to our rescue.  It only takes a ray of light to scatter the darkness and a single breath of Truth to bring us back to Life.

Sometimes when I feel stuck in my current reality I flip through past journals, reminding myself of the unending faithfulness of God.  Like the disciples, I quickly forget to rest in God's promises and trust in His provision.  I do exactly the thing I most hope to avoid - I forget, I backslide, I revert.  But that's not the end of the story; I am a work in progress and it's high-time I let Humility bring me back to Grace, once more.  It's time some things die in me to make room for new life, again.

A year ago I sat in the Ethiopian sunshine meditating on Psalm 121:8 - "The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever".

I wrote:
"Overall the displacement I feel is not unexpected, but the peacefulness of reliance and dependence on God through it has been very rewarding.  I don't want to miss a moment that has been ordained for me here.  I want to walk through every open door in confidence that the God of this universe is constantly within and without of me.  I rest in a peace here that I don't yet understand, and honestly don't even need to.  Life looks different as I slow down and process each moment as it comes.

With fresh perspective, I anticipate radical refinement of my life.  Holding tight to promises and truth, I walk in expectation of more and better life - both for the people around me and for my own soul.  The journey of letting God show me who I am has hardly been this defined.  The expectations here are off.  No one is throwing guilt or shame on me.  I get lost in the freedom of relationships and overjoyed by removing limits and requirements.

Whatever this is that has begun to take root, I want it to stay and grow and live in me.  I hope it flows from my thoughts, actions and words; that through me a Kingdom-crave would be magnetic and contagious."

With no new words, I'll walk through and from conviction patiently.  I'll choose to put my faith, not in the God I think I want, but in the God who Is.

Don't stop fighting.

Nineveh

I love reading (and hearing) narratives from the Old Testament.  I've been studying Jonah a bit lately and I could have never predicted how ready my heart was to wrestle with this story, how soft my mind was to receive conviction and how hungry my soul was to apply it.

I can't help but think about the concept of a modern day Nineveh.

It's the place we don't want to go; the people we'd rather not see; the time we don't want to spend with the things we'd rather not be.

It's the hard conversation and the uncomfortable situation; it's uncharted territory and unguaranteed circumstances. 

It's where scary statistics become real stories and faces; there's no promised welcome or reception... in fact, if anything, there's threat.

Then God says "GO".

We say "NO".

He won't know; He won't care; I won't go; I'm scared.
It's one time; I'm one person; It's one place, or just one nation.
What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?  Jonah brought a life-threatening storm upon a boat full of innocent men; then he was tossed overboard and swallowed by a large fish because he thought he could run from Nineveh!  Disobedience is costly.  God is concerned about every fiber of our being, every breath in every waking moment, every thought to cross our minds and every word to cross our lips.  He cares for the nations and for individuals, even the difficult and scary ones.  He is always hopeful, always faithful, always loving. 

I need more of Him and less of me.

My Future Child

"...HE is a MIGHTY SAVIOR. HE will take delight in you with gladness. With HIS love HE will calm ALL your fears. HE will rejoice over you with joyful songs" -Zephaniah 3:17

You know, I think I'm going to name one of my children Zephaniah. (Standing against the fear that peers may call him "Phanny", lol). Seriously though... I want to always be reminded of the truths of this verse. AND that my child would literally wear it across their chest, warms me already.

Picture it with me now;
"HELLO my name is: The Lord's Delight, Comforted One, Rejoiced Upon. But you can call me Zephaniah.

In the midst of battling shames of any kind - HE WILL DELIGHT IN (ME) WITH GLADNESS.
In the midst of fighting lies from every direction - HE WILL CALM ALL (MY) FEARS.
In the midst of my every short-coming - HE WILL REJOICE OVER (ME).

And yes, that's really all I have to say for today.

The Diagnosis

I'm kind of a metaphor-o-holic; I just love them. I especially like using the medical model. So bear with me as I share from that sort of perspective.

I read recently of a woman who had cancer in her intestines. From the looks of things it didn't seem terminal and, (with the amazing technology we have at our disposal), removable. So a procedure was done in which four small incisions are made through which medical tools are inserted to more-or-less suck out the cancer. (It all seems like a video game of sorts to me). After the surgery, she recovered and appeared to be cancer-free. However only months later she was informed that it had "come back" more viciously than before. A second procedure was done in which surgeons pried her wide open on the operating table and hand-cut every piece of cancer, or pre-cancerous, material out. Now this is a gory picture; I know if I were in that operating room I'd be at least a little pale and nauseous (and that's if I were conscious)! I share it though because that's what the Great Physician has had to do with my heart.

I have a crippling, destructive, and aggressive disease: Fear. This is a condition whose very nature is anything but benign. It breeds lies, anger, confusion, frustration, selfishness, hurt, complacency, sadness, and even feigned apathy. Symptoms include swelling of pride, rapid heart-beat and restlessness, scattered thinking, unnecessary controlling tendencies, unusual pressure (as if carrying the world) on shoulder(s), and reoccurring thoughts of escaping, avoiding, and/or hiding, among others. It's most affected victims usually suffer from stagnancy; as it ranges from worry to panic to dread (to everything in between) to full-blown-crippling fear.

Once diagnosed, it's best to address the issue immediately. After all, the Great Physician doesn't ask us to ignore fear; instead to cast it on Him*. But, if not properly taken care of, it will return... most likely bigger and badder than ever before. You see, I'd opted with the less invasive procedure for my fear. And honestly, it worked for a time. Or perhaps I was able to ignore the initial returning symptoms. Whatever the matter, I was faced with a similar diagnosis recently but this time I knew it was time to address more than just the symptoms. Though more invasive, intrusive, and risky... my case called for all-out open heart surgery.

It's been a sort of on-going procedure this semester. Admittedly at times I get disgusted and even nauseous upon seeing some of the junk coming out of there. And truthfully, it's painful. I am continually tempted to numb myself with media, busyness, or other excuses. But I can't help but be reminded that these anesthetics are merely temporary and fleeting. Instead, in the midst of my squirming, I can't ignore the voice steadily saying "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."**

I'm vulnerable and fragile, but hopeful and confident. I relate to the Corinthians when it was written "In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." (Emphasis added)***. Like the psalmist David, I beg the Creator to "create in me a clean heart"#. I confidently walk toward the day of living in Freedom; a complete trust in, and obedience to, the Father. I've wasted so much time needing people instead of loving them and it's about time that changes. I've spent so much time planning instead of listening, and scurrying instead of seeking. Hello to the chapter of renovation, transformation and getting well, that I've been praying for. You've arrived sooner than I expected, but right on time.


*1 Peter 5:7
**Isaiah 41:10
***2 Corinthians 1:9
#Psalm 51:10