displaced but not defeated

It only takes a drop of doubt to create a storm of fear and but a moment of submission to deceit to be overwhelmed.  It only takes a single false judgment to feel consumed by shame and a subtle poke at a wound to stir up a world of pain.

Somewhere between graduating college and stumbling into this transitory season I stopped fighting.  But about a week ago, in the middle of the night, somewhere between heavy tears and throwing punches to heaven I decided something had to change.

It only takes a mustard-seed of faith to move a mountain and a whispered "yes" for our Creator to come to our rescue.  It only takes a ray of light to scatter the darkness and a single breath of Truth to bring us back to Life.

Sometimes when I feel stuck in my current reality I flip through past journals, reminding myself of the unending faithfulness of God.  Like the disciples, I quickly forget to rest in God's promises and trust in His provision.  I do exactly the thing I most hope to avoid - I forget, I backslide, I revert.  But that's not the end of the story; I am a work in progress and it's high-time I let Humility bring me back to Grace, once more.  It's time some things die in me to make room for new life, again.

A year ago I sat in the Ethiopian sunshine meditating on Psalm 121:8 - "The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever".

I wrote:
"Overall the displacement I feel is not unexpected, but the peacefulness of reliance and dependence on God through it has been very rewarding.  I don't want to miss a moment that has been ordained for me here.  I want to walk through every open door in confidence that the God of this universe is constantly within and without of me.  I rest in a peace here that I don't yet understand, and honestly don't even need to.  Life looks different as I slow down and process each moment as it comes.

With fresh perspective, I anticipate radical refinement of my life.  Holding tight to promises and truth, I walk in expectation of more and better life - both for the people around me and for my own soul.  The journey of letting God show me who I am has hardly been this defined.  The expectations here are off.  No one is throwing guilt or shame on me.  I get lost in the freedom of relationships and overjoyed by removing limits and requirements.

Whatever this is that has begun to take root, I want it to stay and grow and live in me.  I hope it flows from my thoughts, actions and words; that through me a Kingdom-crave would be magnetic and contagious."

With no new words, I'll walk through and from conviction patiently.  I'll choose to put my faith, not in the God I think I want, but in the God who Is.

Don't stop fighting.

Nineveh

I love reading (and hearing) narratives from the Old Testament.  I've been studying Jonah a bit lately and I could have never predicted how ready my heart was to wrestle with this story, how soft my mind was to receive conviction and how hungry my soul was to apply it.

I can't help but think about the concept of a modern day Nineveh.

It's the place we don't want to go; the people we'd rather not see; the time we don't want to spend with the things we'd rather not be.

It's the hard conversation and the uncomfortable situation; it's uncharted territory and unguaranteed circumstances. 

It's where scary statistics become real stories and faces; there's no promised welcome or reception... in fact, if anything, there's threat.

Then God says "GO".

We say "NO".

He won't know; He won't care; I won't go; I'm scared.
It's one time; I'm one person; It's one place, or just one nation.
What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?  Jonah brought a life-threatening storm upon a boat full of innocent men; then he was tossed overboard and swallowed by a large fish because he thought he could run from Nineveh!  Disobedience is costly.  God is concerned about every fiber of our being, every breath in every waking moment, every thought to cross our minds and every word to cross our lips.  He cares for the nations and for individuals, even the difficult and scary ones.  He is always hopeful, always faithful, always loving. 

I need more of Him and less of me.

#goodness

This week I sit purely immersed in the reality that I am - and have been - truly and deeply blessed.  Far beyond my deserving I have received good gifts, both tangible and intangible, from a Father who knows, sees and attends to my every need.

Tuesday was my 22nd birthday.  It was a day in which I took each stride with gratitude; unable to even comprehend the love and grace that I am constantly given.  I felt extremely special and intentionally loved.  I both laughed and cried with joy in the midst of precious moments with, and from, beloved people in my life.

In such celebration, I am reminded of just how intently people are watching me.  I am challenged, once again, to live above reproach and walk along paths of righteousness.  Being my own worst enemy, it is easy to dwell on the things that still need growth and change in me.  Yet the words that flooded my ears and filled the pages my eyes crossed this week were of sincere encouragement. 

The Lord seemed to pointedly use those around me to remind me of who I am becoming in Him; and that the becoming part is not only perfectly okay, but His very intention.  The truth of 2 Corinthians 3:18 came alive to me once more.  I see, more clearly, how far He has brought me and that He isn't yet finished.

I celebrate another year of life with eager anticipation of what's to come and a strong acknowledgement of where I have come from.  At a junction in which I expected to feel fear, I am embracing a Spirit of power, love and self-discipline.  I have learned the immensity to which I am dependant, and called to live in humility beyond humiliation or shame.  I confidently walk into a new season; not because of who I am, but because of who He is and what He has done.

editing.

I love to edit.

Earlier in the semester I had written about the fact that one of my favorite classes was likely to be Research Writing; I was correct. I have loved learning to write and re-write.

Editing has also been a big part of my internship this semester. I get to edit scholarship and application essays for city students. Friends have also taken me up on the offer as I refine, learn and love to be creative with words.

This week, however, I have been reminded of my undeniable humanity.

You see, the more experience I have in editing the more able I feel. Unintentionally I have taken it to parts of my life for which it wasn't intended. More than words on a page, I try to edit my story. The Author writes a perfect and complete sentence; but I'm just sure that I could do better, and out comes the red pen.

Darn you, red pen.

I was not created to be the editor or perfecter of my life. When I try to, a lot of red ink just gets everywhere and things look a little ridiculous... there's not enough white-out in the Midwest to cover my good intentions.

I edit out a circumstance here and insert a relationship there. I cross out an event or conversation here and insert something selfish there.

No wonder I just want to turn the page.

Instead, I'll put down the pen and hold my crayons again. My attention is re-captured. In stillness I'll seek in joy and humility. Already there's freedom in unforced and uncontrolled rhythm. Just one taste has unconvered my apparent hunger.




"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

A Journey of Humility

"Humility begins by emptying ourselves of ourselves. It is about coming to God without agenda and without reservation. If you are still relating to God through negotiations, you have not yet found the path of humility." -from the book Uprising by Erwin McManus

I find myself at such a place of joy today. For so long I was blind to what relationship with God looked like, but I finally feel as though the log is being removed from my sight. Looking back, I remain amazed at how far I've been carried; and my whole journey has been one of learning humility.

I've been told I have an aura, if you will, of innocence. Perhaps it's my small stature, my feminine voice, or my long hair that hides my pride. No matter the reason, for a long, long, time I acted as though I was capable of creating a life worth living. With things big and small I felt responsible to figure everything out. The humorous part of this is that I pretended like I was going to let God have a small role. I was "Christian" because I acknowledged Christ. I, honestly, would pray things like "God, I am going to go to ______ college, (or) speak to _______ person, (or) do _______ thing, so please bless that". More or less I informed God of my agenda and invited Him to watch me, and if He so desired- to drop a blessing in here and there.

It wasn't until this past summer that I was broken enough to say, ' you know what... I'm doing something wrong here and I am desperate for new life'. I began to learn to let go. I threw my agendas, plans, and reservations out the door. (Don't get me wrong, this wasn't without some fear and hesitation). I began to pray prayers of "God lead me", "God take me wherever you want me", "God renovate me", God use me however you want", "Speak to and through me", "I'm not in it if you're not", etc. The repercussions of this at first looked similar to disorientation. I felt more lost and confused. Ironically (or not) it drove me to my knees. It pushed me to a place where I needed God's Will to pass in my life or it was going to be the end of me. At first I kept trying to help Him, but THIS IS THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He doesn't need my help. I quickly learned that He was only disorienting me so that I would let Him reorient me.

When I finally let go, and simply stood in agreement with God; it was as if He took my hand and ran - pulling me along like a child. I knew I was supposed to talk to my pastor, but I couldn't give him a good reason why. Yet he is the reason I found out about MBI. I applied for Moody 16 days after the "last" deadline, completing five 500word essays in one night. I attended the last tour day before their winter break, received a full-tuition-paid scholarship, and I had just enough saved up in my bank account to not have to take out a loan for room and board this semester. And here I am. Not only did He run me to a new school, town, and community; He ran me into Freedom. People ask how I'm doing and the word "well" is the best adjective I can come up with, but that is an incredible understatement. This brings me back to the fact that this whole journey has been about humility. It almost feels like it's been orchestrated beyond me, and I'm just watching it all from the outside.

Before I left for Chicago, I (very hesitantly) shared some of the songs I've written with my church community. Pushing through nervous laughs, sweaty palms, and shaky hands began to stretch me. Last night I was then able to share one of them with my new community here. This isn't who I used to be. This would've been way out of my comfort zone. BUT, God spoke through the words of my (nervously played) song to strike a chord in at least one girl's heart; and that makes everything worth it. I'm continually humbled to see that my ability is small, but when I'm walking in obedience signs and wonders will follow. God will always show up. I have so much to learn but I am excited instead of discouraged.

The theme verse (from 2 Corinthians) for our floor, in my dorm, resonates with all this; it refers to the fact that God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and that His grace is sufficient for us. Amen to that.