all stirred up

"Most of us, no matter how badly we've messed up our lives, want to create a better life for ourselves and for those we love. If we have the privilege to live our lives free of the struggle for survival, this instinct within us begins to take our focus to the broader world. We somehow know we're supposed to be conduits of good. We're supposed to make the world a better place. Yes, when we connect to God, we begin to care more deeply about the world around us. But I'm convinced it's more than this."

-ERWIN RAPHAEL MCMANUS

New Kid on the Block

I'm in a sea of new faces.

Being in a new environment, with endless new people, has been such an indescribable experience for me. I came here knowing not one soul (and have been thoroughly enjoying creating new friendships). What I'm realizing most of all however, is that it's surroundings like this that tell us who we really are. People here don't know me. Therefore, it becomes a matter of standing in who it is that God created me to be, not who people expect me to be. It's freeing and challenging all at the same time.

"In our desperate quest to gain the praise of others, we end up living our lives as inauthentic performers. The tragedy of self-centeredness is that our center is essentially hollow. We become who we think other people want us to be. We surrender the person known only in the dreams of God to become a persona shapes by the whims of others." -Erwin McManus

I do not want to be defined by performance. It would be easy to fill the empty, convenient, puzzle-piece personality that works well with my floor, or my classmates, or my roommate, or the volleyball team... but that's not me. God did not intend for our identities to be at the whim of friends or strangers. I was created in the image of God*, with intentional authenticity. When I'm at a loss of who I am in a certain area of life, I'm to go directly to my Creator - for it's He who knows my inner-most workings. It's when we look to our peers that it gets dangerous. We lose the immense creativity of God, and arguably separate ourselves from Him. We become carbon copies of each other; holding such destructive power. We affirm each other's lies, comfort each others disobedience and settle for simply fitting in, rather than standing up.

I want to live with authentically.

I once read somewhere that "authenticity without integrity is lethal". This is something I long to make true in all areas of my life. Mere authenticity is simply a good reason to be extremely arrogant. We excuse ourselves from selflessness (one of the most desired qualities of God). We justify doing and saying whatever we feel because "that's who we are"; yet we do it at the cost of the hearts of people we should be loving. It is only with integrity that we reflect the image of God. When we're aware of who we are and who we desire to become. Integrity is a matter of being aware of weaknesses, and still transparent. A person' of integrity doesn't pretend, because their heart is visible.

God intended us to be beings of integrity.

In fact all creation was made with integrity under Him; in strong relationship with itself and with the environment. "Integrity is born out of relationship with God and flows into our relationships with others. Integrity is the personification of truth."** That is what I long for. I want to be the personification of truth. I want to be the presence of Jesus. That is why I put everything I've got into studying at this school. That is why I get up early in the morning to read the Word and meet with the Lord. Honestly, that is the image we're created in and intended for: Jesus, the Living Truth. I feel as though for the first time I'm staring that idea in the face. I can choose Carbon-Copy or Authentic-Integrity, because there aren't expectations held of me anyway. And, also for the first time, I'm confident in knowing I will not settle for Carbon-Copy any longer. I'm not satisfied unless God's refining my heart, not settled unless He's molding my soul, and not restful unless His Kingdom is coming upon my life. I thought being the new kid would be scary because I didn't have any established friendships. Turns out, being the new kid only deepens my fear of God.

*Genesis 1:27

**Quote from Uprising by Erwin McManus

A Journey of Humility

"Humility begins by emptying ourselves of ourselves. It is about coming to God without agenda and without reservation. If you are still relating to God through negotiations, you have not yet found the path of humility." -from the book Uprising by Erwin McManus

I find myself at such a place of joy today. For so long I was blind to what relationship with God looked like, but I finally feel as though the log is being removed from my sight. Looking back, I remain amazed at how far I've been carried; and my whole journey has been one of learning humility.

I've been told I have an aura, if you will, of innocence. Perhaps it's my small stature, my feminine voice, or my long hair that hides my pride. No matter the reason, for a long, long, time I acted as though I was capable of creating a life worth living. With things big and small I felt responsible to figure everything out. The humorous part of this is that I pretended like I was going to let God have a small role. I was "Christian" because I acknowledged Christ. I, honestly, would pray things like "God, I am going to go to ______ college, (or) speak to _______ person, (or) do _______ thing, so please bless that". More or less I informed God of my agenda and invited Him to watch me, and if He so desired- to drop a blessing in here and there.

It wasn't until this past summer that I was broken enough to say, ' you know what... I'm doing something wrong here and I am desperate for new life'. I began to learn to let go. I threw my agendas, plans, and reservations out the door. (Don't get me wrong, this wasn't without some fear and hesitation). I began to pray prayers of "God lead me", "God take me wherever you want me", "God renovate me", God use me however you want", "Speak to and through me", "I'm not in it if you're not", etc. The repercussions of this at first looked similar to disorientation. I felt more lost and confused. Ironically (or not) it drove me to my knees. It pushed me to a place where I needed God's Will to pass in my life or it was going to be the end of me. At first I kept trying to help Him, but THIS IS THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He doesn't need my help. I quickly learned that He was only disorienting me so that I would let Him reorient me.

When I finally let go, and simply stood in agreement with God; it was as if He took my hand and ran - pulling me along like a child. I knew I was supposed to talk to my pastor, but I couldn't give him a good reason why. Yet he is the reason I found out about MBI. I applied for Moody 16 days after the "last" deadline, completing five 500word essays in one night. I attended the last tour day before their winter break, received a full-tuition-paid scholarship, and I had just enough saved up in my bank account to not have to take out a loan for room and board this semester. And here I am. Not only did He run me to a new school, town, and community; He ran me into Freedom. People ask how I'm doing and the word "well" is the best adjective I can come up with, but that is an incredible understatement. This brings me back to the fact that this whole journey has been about humility. It almost feels like it's been orchestrated beyond me, and I'm just watching it all from the outside.

Before I left for Chicago, I (very hesitantly) shared some of the songs I've written with my church community. Pushing through nervous laughs, sweaty palms, and shaky hands began to stretch me. Last night I was then able to share one of them with my new community here. This isn't who I used to be. This would've been way out of my comfort zone. BUT, God spoke through the words of my (nervously played) song to strike a chord in at least one girl's heart; and that makes everything worth it. I'm continually humbled to see that my ability is small, but when I'm walking in obedience signs and wonders will follow. God will always show up. I have so much to learn but I am excited instead of discouraged.

The theme verse (from 2 Corinthians) for our floor, in my dorm, resonates with all this; it refers to the fact that God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and that His grace is sufficient for us. Amen to that.