In 4 Months I Graduate From College?

I have places where I go when I just need to be.  In every city I've lived in so far, I have unintentionally built landmark-alters of remembrance.  These are places I go to wrestle with life, have a good cry or just talk to God.  In Eau Claire it was a specific bridge downtown.  I would pace, or sit, or even lie down there during the messy times of life.  In Minneapolis it was Loring Park.  There is a little flower garden there with benches that seemed to invite me to fall apart.  I can't tell you, yet, where I go in Chicago except for that this season it has been a transformed place.  The first tears I cried there, this semester, were happy ones.

I write this to reflect on the fact that this is my final semester at Moody and in Chicago.  I write to admit that I never could have anticipated falling in love with this place like I have.  Experiences, circumstances and people here have changed me.  I sigh, knowing that I've begun to "grow up" in a place that has been both a safe battleground and a solid foundation.

I look ahead to this semester differently, with a new twinkle in my eyes and heart.  During my first trip to Chicago in November of 2009, I hurriedly scrambled for my camera when I saw the first "Chicago" exit sign and snapped this blurry picture:

I now look at it knowing it perfectly captured the essence of an unpredictable journey.  Not much has been in focus, but the excitement is evident again.  That same 'this is going to be good' feeling in my gut has returned.  If this is really the last year of the world, I guess I'm going out on a high!

at the top again

The chaos of a new season of life has a way of sweeping me off my feet.  It's not necessarily a frenzy of commotion, but sometimes the rhythmic waves of responsibility (the things I have to do) and sanity (the things I want to do) -- or where the two overlap... an unusually common occurrence in this season of my life.

*time to pause* *time to reflect*

I'm found at the beginning of an end, and believe me when I say that the sentimental moments of reflection have already begun.  Moody has been, and is, such a good chapter for me.  I wasn't expecting the wealth of emotion that this year has spurred, but I've been welcoming it. 

I feel weirdly alive and in a state of anticipation.  I want to "leave it all on the floor" this year.  I'm putting on my metaphorical waders, because reality is already knee-deep but I just need more.

As RAs we get to set a floor theme for the year.  I chose Psalm 142:7...

“Bring my soul out of prison,

So that I may give thanks to Your name;

The righteous will surround me,

For You will deal bountifully with me.”

It has become my anthem in all this, chaos and otherwise.

RA, RA! SIS-BOOM-BAH!

I'm going to be the RA of 10W next year :).
Early Thursday morning I was startled out of my sleeping by a plethora of screaming and giggling girls with a flashlight. I made my way up to the tenth floor where I was dressed like a tea-bag and taught the "horah", a Jewish dance. I was initiated even in so far that I rapped a song they had written for me.

They were (and are) wonderful.
The girls, most of which have never met me, had coffee and pancakes ready upon my arrival. Nearly the entire floor was congregated in the lounge with smiling faces at 5 in the morning. They gave me a really sweet mug from Anthropologie! Bottom line: they're sweet and I'm very excited.



I'm very excited in general, actually.
I've been given so many opportunities this semester and crazy changes are happening in my heart, mind, and circumstances. I am very much learning what it's like to live in the truths of: "the brother of humble circumstances is to glory in his high position; and the rich man is to glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away" (James 1:9-10). I've lived uncomfortably on both sides of many conditions and I treasure the challenges that have grown and stretched me.

And, I'm painting bigger strokes than ever before...
The undeniable joys hidden in my heart are finding their way out as I take bigger leaps of obedience and make bigger messes as well. I've fallen hard, but learned to fly high too. Each day I do my best to live in the place where trust and graditude collide; and I'm finding that to be rather beautiful.

Spring Semester Surprises

Professor McDuffee is, and I quote, "the proprietor of a t-shirt shop in Katmandu" in his mind. He went on to explain that he takes his controversial opinions and loaded thoughts and puts them on a t-shirt inside his head - sometimes "selling" them, (again this is all within the boundary of his brain), to those who could benefit from their advertised truths. "They're not hurting any one's feelings" he shrugged. HAHA! I'm reminded, at least three times a week, how uniquely brilliant the people I get to learn from really are. If we're all a little crazy, this man is my kind of crazy.

My former professor, current employer, and dear respected mentor, Dr. Sauer, has cancer. This might seem like a stark transition from the previous light-hearted surprise; however he is anything but heavy in spirit. This may not have been this 64year-old man's prediction or wish, but he is unshaken and challengingly hopeful. As someone who has taken to calling me "Ann" and greeting me with: "Are you persevering, my child?", I am encouraged even in one of his weakest hours. I prayerfully look forward to the ways this will deepen his dependence and grow our relationship.

I get the opportunity to have a second interview for a 2011-2012 RA position. This has been an unexpectedly exciting process. The application and first interview have already challenged me to look into a metaphorical mirror. Who do people see me as vs who do I want to be? Who am I presently vs. who am I created to be? How do I react to circumstances X, Y, and Z vs. how should I react? What do I like? What makes me angry? Why do I bother? It has provoked some discovery and I'm hopeful of what's to come.

(dis)comfort, (dis)placement

This semester I took a class titled "Race, Poverty, and Social Justice". It's been an extremely good experience. Through books, discussions, and interactions I have come nose to nose with challenging thoughts and beliefs of mine and others - both consciously and unconsciously. I could've communicated before this class that race and class issues existed, but never have I come into contact with the depth and extent of the perpetual levels of mess involved.

Throughout the class we were assigned to make "excursions" to different parts of Chicago, displacing ourselves into another culture. We spent time, in groups, in Chinatown, Little Village (majority Mexican), the South side (majority African American), and near Devon (majority Middle-Eastern). The pictures in this blog are from those trips.

Yet even beyond the trips, I was challenged to analyze my every cross-cultural interaction. It was fascinating to seemingly unlock pieces of my heart as I sought awareness. As time has gone on, even within the semester, I have become eager to cross boundaries of class and race. I've pursued the uncomfortable as the value in risk has unfolded. It's as if I caught this unshakable bug that won't rest without people knowing they have worth; especially people whom the rest of the world has written off. I crave to touch the "untouchable".

And honestly I don't really know how to go about it all yet. I don't know the right or best way of appropriately loving strangers (more or less), but I'm chasing answers. I'm carefully prayerful about it as I'm convinced it's God's heart to see and love people right where they're at. I'm learning to be still in the midst of new contexts and exchanges, knowing discernment takes time. And finally I've concluded that as long as I'm at school in the city, I won't be satisfied unless I'm smothering it on me - and me on it!

FFFFFF

FOOD
I've always enjoyed food; especially with good company. But this semester I've developed a particular interest in actually gaining an awareness of WHAT is in the food I'm eating. (Though, I've quickly learned that sometimes it's just best not to think about it). Anyway, this has led me - in a round about way - to want to learn to cook and bake more and better. (That was a ridiculous sentence grammatically, but I hope you can get past it and stay with me).

FRIEND
I'd like to introduce you to my friend Katie... she too wishes she had a million dollar gift card to Whole Foods; and she is just an all-around fantastic woman.

FUN
We decided that it would be fun to learn about food together and share some cooking/baking experiences. Being the creative women that we are, we of course opted to start our own "cooking show". Now I'm not sure you can call it a show because it hasn't yet been filmed and it's timing of events is very sporadic; BUT our dream is to eventually pay for our future children's college tuition(s) with it's profit ;)!

FLAMMABLE
We have named our show Flammable (for which you will see why shortly) and given it the tag-line of "No Recipes Allowed!" (because we've agreed to never use a recipe, besides those stored within our mind). (I really need to stop using parentheses). You don't need to know all of the rules to appreciate the concept.

FAIL
Our first attempt was home/dorm-made granola. It was developing just fine until we doused it in honey, turned the oven to 385 degrees, and then went to our room to talk about boys... I mean work on homework ... - forgetting to set a timer. Needless to say, those are not chocolate chips or chocolate residue on the pan. That's charcoaled, torched, carcinogen-flavored granola. Hahahahah!


FINALLY
We just couldn't settle for failure, so we adjusted some of our ingredients and tried a second time. After air-ing out the kitchen and cleaning the pan, of course, we claimed success; having made a delicious midnight snack, sharing a stomach-wrenching laugh, and agreeing to double the recipe next time.



...more adventures to come

DTR

So at Moody, we have an acronym for pretty much everything. "DTR" stands for "define-the-relationship". It can be used in various contexts to reference a number of things. For example, when a guy has taken the initiative to look up your phone number in the school directory, and texted you multiple times a day since, and you're just not that interested... you perhaps meet him for lunch in the SDR (student-dining-room) for a DTR. Or, if a girl has been subtly dropping hints that she digs you, and you'd be overjoyed to have her as your girlfriend... it might be time to take her to coffee and DTR. Now that you have a clearer understanding of my chosen title, I'll move on.

Today at our school we had what's called a "Day One", which is more or less a tour day for prospective or incoming students. What was particularly unique about this specific tour day for me was that one year ago today, I was on the opposite side of the process; a prospective taking part in a "Day One". And though it seems like it's been much longer than a year, I still remember it pretty vividly.

After a year together, it only seems appropriate that I DTR ;) - and I thought I'd invite you in on this!

Dear MBI,
I would have to say that we've shared quite the year together and things are going pretty well. I commend you on being so very gentlemenly (you should know by now that I like to make up words) in paying for the majority of our time together. I also just want to thank you for accepting me, short-comings and all! I must admit that you've played a big role in shaping me this past year. You continually challenge me to be everything that I was created to be. You have challenged, grown, and stretched me in ways I couldn't have imagined. You've introduced me to some of your amazing friends (By The Hand ministry, Soul City Church, etc) and drawn me out into crazy places throughout Chicago!
I will confess that your requiring of me to sacrifice proximity to family, Jared, and friends has inevitably stirred doubts in me - I just wasn't sure we could work out. But I must say that I've found contentment in the balance and you've been quite the pleasant surprise!
Don't get too excited here, because I am in no way contemplating an actual relationship with you. (I've got a great guy already). I'm simply suggesting that we continue to be friends; granted it will most likely be long-distance after the Spring of 2012. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that you've been good and unlike anything I've met before. I consider myself blessed to have had this past year. I think we've got a good thing going! I hope you feel the same.

Sincerely,
Ash

Leaves are Falling, Seasons are Flying

This past weekend we played in the Regional volleyball tournament in Michigan. We took third place, which means I won't be soaking sun in Florida for Nationals...lol. But it was a great wrap up to a particularly great season.

We finished with a record of something like 22-6, and claimed a number of those W's from talented teams that deemed us underdogs. We were a team of eleven girls whose tallest player was characteristic of the shortest on some teams. We started the year with a new coach and team, curiously filled with expectations. As a family we were pushed physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Never have I experienced such a rapid, but genuine, knitting together of lives.

These people quickly became so valuable to me. As cliche as it sounds, we shared blood, sweat, and tears. We moaned together while stretching after lunges, rubbed our eyes as we loaded the bus for tournaments, and shared everything from shampoo to clothes to deodorant. We pushed and challenged each other. We compared bruises and blisters, and bottles of pain killer.

We learned how to juggle sports, school, work, and life; and perhaps more importantly how to admit that sometimes we just can't do it all. This season, volleyball was more than a sport for me. I've never experienced such community with athletics. We shared life not because we had to, but because we wanted to. I was free to encourage and be encouraged. It became a season of refining strengths instead of learning weaknesses. Beyond developing physical skill, it included character development. We failed, fought, and succeeded together. We laughed, cried, prayed, sang, and danced as a team.

I'll most remember eating at Red Robin; playing a game where we all hold hands under the table and flip a coin to see who can grab a ketchup bottle the quickest. I won't forget eating at Culver's discussing whether you "chuck" or "chunk" a ball. I hope I always remember the Grace Bible Tournament where a coach scouted our team, taking vigorous notes for two whole games on me, and other non-starters; only to find out he'd wasted an hour (and a lot of ink) because the girls his team would face were on our bench that day, hahaha! I'll remember when Rachel lost her toenail, and Katie lost her 'finger-tube'. I won't forget warming up each game with Megan Curtiss. I'll most remember when Hannah came back to the bench and missed her chair completely, lol. And I can't forget movie night when coach came flying on his stomach, on a rolling desk chair, and kicked a cup of apple cider out of my hand! Honestly, I could go on and on because this has really been a scrapbook worthy season, and I'm sure it will build it's own camp on my memory lane.

As it's all said and done, I'm so thankful to have been a part of it. Through nearly sleepless nights and road trips marked by carsickness, I take away from the experience much more than I could count as lost. I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded with people to love and be loved by. Here's to a season marked by surprises galore!


Moody Volleyball 2010: "We provide the effort, God provides the results".

Algunas Fotos

You must be sick of reading so much, and I don't have much time, so here's a scrapbook entry of some fun things I've been up to!



Volleyball is still such a treat. We sing as a team for the National Anthem at home games, (pretty awesome, I know).


Visiting "the (notorious) Bean" with some new Bro/Sis: Nate, Me, Sarah, Rachel & Ben :).


We accidentally stumbled upon one of the city's hidden treasures; a beautiful park outside the Art Institute.


Add this^ to the list of reasons I love going to school in Chicago: Museum FREE Days!


Inside the Chicago Field Museum, the dinosaur is named "Sue". My initial thought: really? haha!


Currently, the museum has an entire exhibit on Africa :), and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


...after some ice cream and an adventurous day with friends, I hate to admit that the darn city is growing on me.

That's all folks!

culture, culture, culture

I love to eat with my hands. I'm not going to lie. Even when I use a utensil, I sometimes find myself pushing the food onto it using my hands. I'm going to go ahead and assume a handful of you are trying to hold in a "gross!". I know, I know... I'll try to act "civil" if you eat a meal with me. However, add this to the list of reasons I so appreciate other cultures - most are unashamed to eat with their hands.

Language is also fascinating to me, (of which I'll include accents as well). I've studied a limited amount of Spanish, but I hope to someday have the time and resources to really explore some languages. The variety and creativity is as beautiful as music; playfully incorporating tones, rhythms, and all things linguistical. In fact, I wouldn't mind listening to an Australian read my class syllabi or a Nigerian reading the nutritional labels on cereal boxes - I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm not hard to please, haha.

Not only am I interested in learning what it means to talk the talk cross-culturally, but also how people walk the walk - as defined internationally. Social interactions is something I have little knowledge about in cultures other than my own. This morning I had breakfast with a friend from Southeast England. I asked him what he missed most about home. He explained that here he usually feels as though he's fighting being perceived as rude. Though we, as Americans, may be welcoming; we also hold to a certain social status in which everyone actively participates in conversation and events. It's an enjoyable emphasis, but undoubtedly overwhelming (even for me, a born-and-raised, occasionally).

I also learned of how uniquely competitive America is. Admittedly I've wrestled with this at times. I'm all about having a good time. I enjoy pushing myself and competing, but usually if what I'm participating in has lost the primarily goal of enjoyment - I'm out. My England friend was reminiscing about playing soccer back home after asking me about volleyball. He was saying they would practice one day a week for a little over and hour, and then play a game each week as well. He couldn't believe that it was status-quo for athletes here to practice multiple hours each day, year round; and train outside of their scheduled times as well. In this he shared that the game of soccer, overseas, has a sort of creativity woven into it. Players explore new things and the game stays fresh and interesting to viewers. America so emphasizes the training/conditioning/fundamental aspect of it that it seems creativity is limited by the player's fear of making a mistake.

What's better or worse? It's all debatable. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know and haven't experienced. Is my love for studying international relations increasing? Absolutely! Am I humbled as my school and city challenge my world view to grow? Continually. What do I do with these passions and interests? I haven't a clue :). So I'll be satisfied in living as a learner; content in enjoying the complexity of human nature.

What's The "Skinny"?

This past weekend we had our first VOLLEYBALL tournamnet! This whole adventure has definitely challenged me both physically and mentally, but God knew I needed these girls. After our first tournament (and taking first place!), I just can't wait for more to come!












My New Room!











^^Two sweet things: My Wall Map & The View From My Window!! The map's a good, constant, reminder that I'm not the center of the universe. The view... it rocks just as much (maybe more) at night.


Finally, Here's to a semseter of being BOLD.



So, I wrote a letter to a state rep, pretty much pleading for him to cosponsor a newly proposed bill that concerns international aid to Fistula prevention and relief, (ahh- crazy cool opportunity)! Join me by getting your Pray on ;).


More to come, stay tuned.

An Ashley Update

Fall is officially into motion, with or without my permission! I've been at Moody for 8 days or so now and will admit that the semester has already greeted me like a roller coaster ride. I guess it's time I buckle up, helmet up, and scream "look mom, no hands!" haha. Enjoy some photos before I spill my heart:




Those Chicago city lights are definitely growing on me


My Photo-Buddy, Katie, & I at the beach


Burying Rachel in the sand... epic.


A traditional game of Buck-Buck at Moody :P


My Roommate Jenn & I... LOVE her!!


Just for my mom; the first day of school 0:)


In other news; here's the current condition of my heart:

This morning I read Psalm 23. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need" (vs1). He knew I'd need that. My life was interrupted today by some financial surprises. My dreamy, sparkling eyes suddenly zoomed and locked on the pending reality of weighted decisions. I was forced to continually remind myself that the Creator of the universe is not shocked by my current circumstance and seeming predicament. As I sat through meetings with advisers, I literally whispered the words of Jeremiah 29 so as to hold off the stream of anxiety trying to reach my fragile heart.

Being the plan-machine that I am, I am always caught off guard when I realize how out of control I am. You'd think after learning time and time again that my life is a stewardship and not an ownership, I'd have moved beyond pretending to be in control... yet I'm found humbled once again. I don't like being vulnerable and my worst fear is to be a burden; however I'm left accepting that the uncomfortable moments serve to drive us deeper in relationship. Plain and simple, I'm needy in so many ways. I need a Savior just as bad as the next person. I run around like I have it all together, but honestly this season of my life is so teaching me of my brokenness. I dig myself into holes and sometimes have trouble keeping my head above the water. Day in and day out I'm dependant for my every breath.

In the only class I had today, my professor brought up Timothy. The only verse I know in Timothy well is "If we are UNfaithful, He REMAINS faithful, for He cannot deny who He is", 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen. I don't have answers but I cast my burdens on the One who cares (1 Peter 5:7). I stay grounded and seek discernment- responsibly and rationally. I'm not alone. "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me", Psalm 23:4 (Like I said, He knew I needed that Psalm!).

Still a favorite song: Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon

Dear May... Where Did You Even Come From!?

Between 'Summer' and Ashley: 13 days, 4 shifts at Barnes & Noble Cafe, 5 days of classes, 5 final papers ranging 3-15 pages each, 1 presentation, 3 finals, 1 volleyball meeting, 1 PCM night, some serious packing, and a whole lot of enjoying the relationships started here :). PHEW!

There's nothing like an 11pm ice cream run to keep motivations and homework-doing-spirits high...








Somehow I'm found at the end of the semester; always taken by how quickly time passes. It's been a semester of growth beyond measure. I didn't necessarily plan to come here. (Well for a month I did - but that's not the way I usually do things). Which started the semester off with a new, unique tone.

I came in wide-eyed and eager; and those qualities are only being refined in me. I found myself so quickly welcomed to dream, ask, fight, learn, explore, and share life. For some of the first times, I could voice the dreams God's laying on my heart and be encouraged. The professors here don't melt down when I give them my financial plans. No more "Oh Sweetheart, that sounds nice... now let me help you conform your passions to an occupation where you can make a lot of money". Never once have I heard "...but you're so smart, you could go so far". Instead I get to be spoiled in an environment in which "how can I help you get there, or do that?" frequents conversation. Beyond the community that has poured into me, I'm learning to draw.

God is the author of my life, but I don't think he minds me supplementing His story with my pictures as He gives me crayons <(click that link to read an awesome blog entry from one of my favorite authors: Donald Miller). I've said "yes" to so many opportunities He's given me. Sometimes I felt as though I were being dragged along, and sometimes I was intentionally running - but regardless of the season He continued to open doors. I joined the volleyball team, and participated in their Spring training. I joined a student group called Acting On Aids (through which I got to meet Kay Warren!!!), and next fall I may be an executive member. I worked at a cafe in the city, which has left me with a couple new pen-pals and irreplaceable relationships. I began attending a Hispanic church, which I'll get to serve in next semester. I learned to love prayer; I've seen glimpses of it's power. I took on a project on Addis Ababa which fueled a new-found passion for Ethiopia as a whole. I've discovered the joy of encouraging my peers through words (written & spoken) and gifts. And I've shared music with a freedom beyond my silly nerves.

(I do realize my Bethany Dillon fettish may be on the verge of unhealthy, but seriously - it's a good song... click the link >) I don't know what's in store for this summer; I just trust it will be good. I don't even know where I'll be working for sure yet - but I know who provides. Though I've put up a fight; though I've kicked, screamed, and cried... Philippians 4:6 has finally been sown into my heart and woven throughout the pieces of life God has taught me to trust him with (aka everything).
"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."
If only I could've learned and lived this 20 years ago.

It might be the end of a semester, but it's only the beginning of an adventure. One of: following God, maturing in faith, stretching in ways I couldn't have imagined or planned, seeking the Kingdom, loving my neighbor, praying unceasingly, living in integrity, deepening humility, learning obedience, growing in joy, sacrificing my sins, saying "YES!" to opportunities from my Creator, and soooo much more. I'm a walking mess; but I'm being taken from one degree of glory to another. And I'm stinkin' excited about that.