abstract ramblings

I find myself juxtaposed.

With a pomegranate-green tea on my right and a stack of un-graded papers strewn about the floor-space around my feet, I can't help but smile. Beautiful chaos. This week has been absolutely crazy. I've slept a little and laughed a lot.

"You're a whirlwind of unapolagetic stubborn confidence and unmistakable joy".
I am? I laugh, (again, I'm telling you I've laughed a lot).

I didn't see this coming; I didn't expect this from myself. Then, a still small voice reminds me that it's not from myself. *Insert sigh of agreement here*.

Each morning this week I slowly opened my eyes with the sound of my alarm, expecting to feel the weight of the invisible 2ton truck that used to hit me right about now. No, Nope, No, No, No... It never comes. It's been rerouted, unloaded or all together replaced. Hallelujah!

I can't begin to type the things I've completed this week because you'd all be intimidated and think I was boasting. Haha, subtly I think that sentance did the boasting for me anyway. And I'm not about to type a list of the things I've left to do this weekend & week, because I don't even want to go there right now.

Catching my breath and clearing my mind I'm found content. Somewhere between then and now, I've found peace, hope and joy beyond reason. With no good or rational answer, I look up to the sky and say "You're beautiful".

So much behind me, so much around me, so much in front of me and all in Love. Fear in one thing and one thing alone: the One who holds the stars and my heart, the same.

He created and creates; I too am creating



Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

reNEWal

YOU make me new


YOU are making me new


YOU make me new


YOU are making me new





You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


all around / life is springing up from this old ground


out of chaos life is being found in YOU

HelloGoodbye, and I don't mean the band

This season of life is controlled chaos. In a matter of twelve months I will have spent time in Illinois, Wisconsin, Texas, Minnesota and Ethiopia. I have taken the liberty of titling this chapter: life from a suitcase.

If it has taught me anything about myself, it’s that:
I love arriving, but I hate leaving.

I find joy in looking forward. I like for things to change and shift; I thrive in the new and different. This has worked to my benefit as I've kept pace with a number of opportunities.

I can become almost obsessive with what's next, however. I was recently telling a friend that being an RA means I am obligated to return in the fall. And then I laughed. I love it here, I seriously do. For the first time in a while I feel as though I really belong. But I wouldn't put it past my adventure-craving self to want something new: which I do realize would be incredibly irresponsible and irrational. I share this just to admit how deeply unsettled I tend to be.

This itch to continually start new seasons in my life, however, doesn't exist without irony. I have a really hard time leaving. Once I'm "there", I'm off and running. The transition period itself, on the other hand, is my weak point. I'm not so good at 'goodbye'. Honestly, it's not such a big deal or problem in and of itself. But this semester, I've realized it's deeper than my circumstances. It's a condition of my heart.

There are circumstances, dreams, thoughts, attitudes and relationships of my life that are changing and being made new. This is what I want[ed], hope[d] and pray[ed] for. Yet here I am, throwing a fit in the transition; because leaving the old is hard, uncomfortable and scary.

I am learning what it looks like to live out Philippians 2:13, "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure".
Another translation reads: "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him".

Take heart, take hope.

editing.

I love to edit.

Earlier in the semester I had written about the fact that one of my favorite classes was likely to be Research Writing; I was correct. I have loved learning to write and re-write.

Editing has also been a big part of my internship this semester. I get to edit scholarship and application essays for city students. Friends have also taken me up on the offer as I refine, learn and love to be creative with words.

This week, however, I have been reminded of my undeniable humanity.

You see, the more experience I have in editing the more able I feel. Unintentionally I have taken it to parts of my life for which it wasn't intended. More than words on a page, I try to edit my story. The Author writes a perfect and complete sentence; but I'm just sure that I could do better, and out comes the red pen.

Darn you, red pen.

I was not created to be the editor or perfecter of my life. When I try to, a lot of red ink just gets everywhere and things look a little ridiculous... there's not enough white-out in the Midwest to cover my good intentions.

I edit out a circumstance here and insert a relationship there. I cross out an event or conversation here and insert something selfish there.

No wonder I just want to turn the page.

Instead, I'll put down the pen and hold my crayons again. My attention is re-captured. In stillness I'll seek in joy and humility. Already there's freedom in unforced and uncontrolled rhythm. Just one taste has unconvered my apparent hunger.




"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

RA, RA! SIS-BOOM-BAH!

I'm going to be the RA of 10W next year :).
Early Thursday morning I was startled out of my sleeping by a plethora of screaming and giggling girls with a flashlight. I made my way up to the tenth floor where I was dressed like a tea-bag and taught the "horah", a Jewish dance. I was initiated even in so far that I rapped a song they had written for me.

They were (and are) wonderful.
The girls, most of which have never met me, had coffee and pancakes ready upon my arrival. Nearly the entire floor was congregated in the lounge with smiling faces at 5 in the morning. They gave me a really sweet mug from Anthropologie! Bottom line: they're sweet and I'm very excited.



I'm very excited in general, actually.
I've been given so many opportunities this semester and crazy changes are happening in my heart, mind, and circumstances. I am very much learning what it's like to live in the truths of: "the brother of humble circumstances is to glory in his high position; and the rich man is to glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away" (James 1:9-10). I've lived uncomfortably on both sides of many conditions and I treasure the challenges that have grown and stretched me.

And, I'm painting bigger strokes than ever before...
The undeniable joys hidden in my heart are finding their way out as I take bigger leaps of obedience and make bigger messes as well. I've fallen hard, but learned to fly high too. Each day I do my best to live in the place where trust and graditude collide; and I'm finding that to be rather beautiful.

I Never Want to Grow Up

Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm reading a book, Elliot.

I want to read a book too, can I read with you?
Elliot climbs into his lap as he nods.

The plane is about to take off and Elliot takes his own seat.
What are you doing Daddy?

I'm looking out the window ...keep watching Bud, because we are going up into the sky!

Daddy, this window isn't glass. What is this window?

I think it's plexi-glass.

Confused he wonders whether this is cause for panic.
Why is the window "pexi"-glass and not just regular?

I actually have no clue, but I know it's supposed to be that way and it's going to be okay.

Elliot relaxes and squeaks in amazement as the plane ascends into the clouds. Once he is satisfied by the window situation, he interrupts the silence again with:
Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm fixing my watch, because the time is different where we are going.

Me too please? I help, you show me!
The father gives step by step instructions, even carefully guiding his son's fingers so that the job is done carefully and successfully; both Elliot and Daddy clap upon completing the task.

For the duration of the plane ride the two share laughs, trials, questions, hugs, rest, and everything in between. Elliot turns to everyone around him in confidence (including me), greeting them with:
Hi! I'm Elliot, this is my Daddy, and what is your name?



Meanwhile, I can't help but be completely blown away. This kid has got it, seriously got it. A four-year-old green-eyed stranger, with a thousand dollar smile, lives a rhythm that I desperately hope to learn.

Father God,
What are you doing?
I want to do it too!
What do you see?
Let me see too.
What is this you've put before me?
I know I'm secure with you.
I want to be more like you,
but I need your help;
Show me.
And when I still don't succeed,
Grab my every finger;
Lead and guide me.
Keep showing me who I am,
So that I am eager and confident to greet your children with:
Hi, I'm Ashley, THIS is my Father - He wants you to know your name too.


And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
Mark 10:13-15

she's seventeen.

She sits down, pretending to be apathetic - or at least that's what I have to believe. I'm viewed as an upper-class 'adult' figure; she's seventeen and with her peers, so I'm not offended in the least. There's an ACT-prep packet in front of her which serves mostly as a bed for her cellphone, because "it don't make sense anyway".

She pulls open her borrowed laptop and sighs. I hand her the slip with the college website on it. I'm asked to help her apply online. She types in "youtube" instead and begins to search her favorite music artists. I laugh it off and tell her she must've mis-typed something. Then she types in "facebook". I begin to feel frustrated, she knows what she's supposed to do... she's seventeen.

The application page is full of blanks which we can't fill neatly. Parent/Guardian: _____________, Miss Chante*?, A Step-Mom?, An Uncle?. Parent E-mail:______________, "ain't got one". Address: ____________, "we movin'".

Harder still. Volunteer involvement in the past four years: _______________, does taking care of your child count?, how about siblings?. She has a child; she's seventeen. My heart begins to break. "Let's skip this section for now", I say.

Essay. "aw, hell no", she laughs. "Oh c'mon, this is my favorite part" I say, eager to help her embellish her strengths on paper. I offer to leave her alone and come back and help her edit.



I take a breath and begin praying that I don't say anything stupid or naive. I find her staring at the screen minutes later.

Almost ashamedly, she pushes the screen to angle my way. My breaking heart sinks to my stomach. It's all starting to make sense. Her first sentences read something like: "Some people say you got to follow your dream. And I agree with them. You got to keep tryin. I want to follow my dreams to be a nurse and help people deliver babys. I have the career goals and leading..." She's seventeen. No one has cared enough to teach her how to structure a sentence. She's been passed from grade to grade with just enough to graduate. She doesn't understand a lot of words and reading is very difficult.

Filling my lungs I lean away, honestly just wanting to apologize. I can't help but continuously think, 'she's seventeen'.

Instead I realize how beautiful this moment is; for no reason it seems... well, or every reason. She wants what I want. She deserves it just as much as I do. I thought we were so different. No. We're so the same.

For once I don't have answers or an apology. I find myself smiling, nodding, and saying "good, keep going" before I walk away to pull myself together.

change of pace

Yesterday my friend Rachel said, "You know Ashley, I was thinking, and you're a lot like Flash".

I laughed and entertained the thought of radiating lightning and wearing yellow gloves and boots for a moment. I couldn't deny the parallel; I am often there one minute and somewhere else the next. It takes a special kind of person to keep up and a special kind of circumstance to slow me down. I think fast, talk fast, and walk fast. Most of the time my mind, body, and heart are engaged and even multitasking.

Except on Sundays.

*sigh*. You feel that relief? I'm living it.

My favorite Sunday things the past few weeks:

reCREATING.

from book to journal:


from scrap-paper to a valentine:


from ingredients to breakfast:


LEARNING.

The art of baking:




LAUGHING

because as much as I try to hone my home-making skills, I can't say that Martha Stewart ain't got nothing on me. You see, this morning I broke TWO needles...


I think I require some sturdier equipment? :)

and LISTENING.

to the words of narratives by Flannery O'Connor, Alice Munro, and C.S. Lewis.
to the banter of Loralei and Rory Gilmore.
to music. (most recently that of Mat Kearney, Joshua Radin, Parachute, Ben Harper, Tyrone Wells, Matt Nathanson, and Jason Myles Goss- who you just might want to listen to below...)


A practice I thought could be irresponsible, has been restoring. More and more I am convinced that we were created for a six-and-one cycle. At least for this season in my life I will live in that freedom.

Spring Semester Surprises

Professor McDuffee is, and I quote, "the proprietor of a t-shirt shop in Katmandu" in his mind. He went on to explain that he takes his controversial opinions and loaded thoughts and puts them on a t-shirt inside his head - sometimes "selling" them, (again this is all within the boundary of his brain), to those who could benefit from their advertised truths. "They're not hurting any one's feelings" he shrugged. HAHA! I'm reminded, at least three times a week, how uniquely brilliant the people I get to learn from really are. If we're all a little crazy, this man is my kind of crazy.

My former professor, current employer, and dear respected mentor, Dr. Sauer, has cancer. This might seem like a stark transition from the previous light-hearted surprise; however he is anything but heavy in spirit. This may not have been this 64year-old man's prediction or wish, but he is unshaken and challengingly hopeful. As someone who has taken to calling me "Ann" and greeting me with: "Are you persevering, my child?", I am encouraged even in one of his weakest hours. I prayerfully look forward to the ways this will deepen his dependence and grow our relationship.

I get the opportunity to have a second interview for a 2011-2012 RA position. This has been an unexpectedly exciting process. The application and first interview have already challenged me to look into a metaphorical mirror. Who do people see me as vs who do I want to be? Who am I presently vs. who am I created to be? How do I react to circumstances X, Y, and Z vs. how should I react? What do I like? What makes me angry? Why do I bother? It has provoked some discovery and I'm hopeful of what's to come.

Twenty One

I recently celebrated my 21st birthday :)! Enjoy a photo-roll from January 17th; visually accompanied with lyrics from Jonny Diaz's song More Beautiful You.



So turn around, you're not too far
To back away, be who you are


To change your path, go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved


If you feel depressed, with past regrets,
the shameful nights, hope to forget;
Can disappear, they can all be washed away


By the ONE who's strong, can right your wrongs;
Can rid your fears, dry all your tears


And change the way you look at this big world


HE will take your dark, distorted view,
and with HIS light HE will show you truth


And again you'll see, through the eyes of a little girl


There could never be a more beautiful you.
Don't buy the lies, disguises, hoops they make you jump through.

You were made to fill a purpose, that only you could do;
There could never be, a more beautiful you.

My Ache-y Break-y Heart

I like the Ravens, a lot. Now you may be found shaking your head or smirking. For which I'll cut you some slack seeing as this fetish did start semi-recently. But it proved it's genuineness as I watched the game on Saturday and found myself emotionally tied to the players and coaches. And they lost. I don't want to talk about that anymore.



Seriously though, my heart is ache-y brake-y lately and I come not to vent or complain, but to share.

I returned to Moody this semester, ready for the next thing(s). Having been filled with time at home among family and friends. Yet I have felt more separation this semester than ever before. I miss people like I never have before. Leaving has never really been difficult for me. But now that I'm a second semester junior in college it's harder than ever... haha, what!? I have a theory that it's simply because this is the first time I've spent three consecutive semesters in one place away from home. I returned this semester knowing full-well what to expect. Well, except for the ripping at my heart in the separation from people I love. No matter the root reason, I know the answer is to seek the comfort of my Father. I won't believe that I'm alone, and I'm learning to stand in who I am regardless of my emotions.

I also stepped back into my internship with By The Hand this week. It's an inner-city after-school program for kids in an area notoriously known as some of Chicago's 'Projects'. This semester however, will look a little different. I'll be working one-on-one with a few of the older girls there. I have the opportunity to do some pre-college counseling, scholarship searching, touring, and applying with them. Beyond walking them through and encouraging them in the "what comes after high school" experience, I just feel blessed to do life with them. Today I was shook up as I got a verbal picture painted for me by one of my supervisors of one of the girls. The experiences these kids bring to the table are unbelievable. What they know as "normal", leaves my mouth gawking. Their backgrounds and their present is scattered with things I may never see, hear, or know in my lifetime. It breaks my heart. I have to be with them. I know this semester will hold a battlefield of emotions for me as I wrestle through the mental, spiritual, and relational things to come, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

These are just a couple of things that have already marked this season of my life as one of testing and refinement. I could ramble through other current experiences or add depth to what I've shared, but the bottom line is that I'm learning to live in the fire. I'm pretty raw and my reactions are mostly unpredictable, but I have agreed to be emotion-full before my Father. Here's to letting the Potter make my heart a little more like His.

one more year until the end of the world?

Hello blogging world! Long time, no see.

So many new things going on that I seem to be at a loss of where to start and what to share! It's 2011 & I find the word "resolutions" repulsive; but I've got some...

1. Keep a "Sabbath".
Those of you that know me are thinking "yeah right". But I'm serious. Come Sunday(s), you won't see me doing homework, working, or writing papers. I am going to spend time with my Creator and only engage in things that bring me joy and feed my soul. I love to paint. I bet you didn't know that. That's because I never have/make time to do it! I love watching the news and reading the newspaper, but I couldn't quote a headline from the past three months. I haven't touched Black Barbara (yes I named my guitar) in months. And I just may end up a little more sane if I take the time to read for pleasure (even during the semester)... whoa! I know, right? Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the adventures I have because of it. It'll be challenging, without a doubt, too. God has a sense of humor - or perhaps I have taken poor planning to the extreme; because I have 5 classes each Monday that will ask for assignments, test my knowledge, and require my preparedness. I'll have to be more disciplined that ever BUT it's worth it, to me. This is something God has been beckoning me into and it's time I take the invitation. He created us with a 6 and 1 rhythm in mind, and just maybe I'll come out looking a little more like Christ if I live like it?

2. I want to be able to run at least 8 miles without stopping.
I'm the most inconsistent exerciser ever. And publicly claiming this as a goal may require me to simply push my body to the death-point in December by unpreparedly running much further than physically capable. But maybe, hopefully, that won't be the case. Just maybe, hopefully, I'll prove myself wrong and be one step closer to fulfilling my 1/2 marathon life-goal!

3. I really want to lose 3 pounds.
Mean Girls, anyone?

4. I want to go to Africa.
Oh wait... I WILL BE!!

I've got a few more that I might reveal later, but this seems to be a good and hefty start =). For now, I'm off in a new semester at Moody and it's already a crazy ride but I have big and good expectations.