we, our, us

I have been married for ten days now. Married.

It has been the best, most beautiful, beginning of my life so far.  Most days I wake up and think, is this real life? Somewhere between drinking coffee with, and packing a lunch for, my best friend I have to pinch myself.  Forever looks bright as peace settles in.  The waves have already begun to come, but it's we who ride them now and that changes everything.

I see differently already.  I hear differently.  The past few days God has been building a message in me, for my husband -- for our lives.  It feels bigger now that someone else is involved.  Suddenly the words I'm given, the dreams I have, the things I pray, the promises I'm given and the Truth I see affect us.  As my current reality sets in I shake my head and smile; it's both the most exhilarating and the scariest adventure I've ever agreed to.  It's our trajectory that I have a picture of now.  It's our future that I plan for, dream about and discuss.

Today I'm going to start a conversation that has my stomach bursting with butterflies.  It's one I've wanted to have for days, but a gentle voice echoed "wait" in my heart.  Eager, my prayers each hour have been ones of "when? now? how?".  Assured, the steady response "you'll know" kept coming to my mind. This morning, by 6am, all the pieces fell into place before I had even opened my eyes.  Prayers have been answered in a way I couldn't have predicted or anticipated.  I'm not sure what is to come.  I can't predict how ideas will be received or where things go from here.  I just know this is obedience.  God is up to something; and His something(s) are always Good.  What a sweet, sweet journey we're on.

My husband is on his way home.  Here's to courage enough for today.

Engagement

I'm getting married.  I'm getting married.  I'm getting married.

That impending reality sinks slowly as I sigh through my smile.  I've never been the smitten-type, but my world was lifted from the ground on March 23rd and it is still descending. 

If you know my story, and our story, you might be shaking your head in slight amusement.  You might find yourself wanting to question "Didn't you see this coming?" or exclaim, with a smirk, that you "called it years ago".  But for me, the moment Jared's knee went down, the flood gates opened.

It's not that I didn't expect it to ever come and it's not that I hadn't already made up my mind that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man.  In fact if it weren't for the two hands that somehow made their way up to cover my mouth, and the fact that the only thing I seemed to be able to move were the joyful tears from my eyes, I might've shrieked "YES" before he even finished a sentence. 

I wasn't expecting the tornado of chaos and peace that began to twirl.  In a fierce attempt to guard my heart I had never long-entertained the idea that this could be my reality.  I didn't anticipate the freedom and assurance that immediately took root.  And those things arrived to stay, at least for now.

I have a friend here at Moody whose summer is filled with friends weddings and many of her friends are "brides" in her mind and world.  Recently we were chatting about what that meant for her and her response took me by surprise: "I am encouraged by you", she said, "You're such a peaceful bride".  Another friend from home suggested they hadn't ever known me to be this restful.

Quickly I am realizing this journey is more than just a climax in a fairytale with my highschool sweetheart.  I'm found in a season of endings and beginnings.  I'm in steadfast battle and in constant process with all that is building.  My world is turning, and I'm happily along for the ride.

#goodness

This week I sit purely immersed in the reality that I am - and have been - truly and deeply blessed.  Far beyond my deserving I have received good gifts, both tangible and intangible, from a Father who knows, sees and attends to my every need.

Tuesday was my 22nd birthday.  It was a day in which I took each stride with gratitude; unable to even comprehend the love and grace that I am constantly given.  I felt extremely special and intentionally loved.  I both laughed and cried with joy in the midst of precious moments with, and from, beloved people in my life.

In such celebration, I am reminded of just how intently people are watching me.  I am challenged, once again, to live above reproach and walk along paths of righteousness.  Being my own worst enemy, it is easy to dwell on the things that still need growth and change in me.  Yet the words that flooded my ears and filled the pages my eyes crossed this week were of sincere encouragement. 

The Lord seemed to pointedly use those around me to remind me of who I am becoming in Him; and that the becoming part is not only perfectly okay, but His very intention.  The truth of 2 Corinthians 3:18 came alive to me once more.  I see, more clearly, how far He has brought me and that He isn't yet finished.

I celebrate another year of life with eager anticipation of what's to come and a strong acknowledgement of where I have come from.  At a junction in which I expected to feel fear, I am embracing a Spirit of power, love and self-discipline.  I have learned the immensity to which I am dependant, and called to live in humility beyond humiliation or shame.  I confidently walk into a new season; not because of who I am, but because of who He is and what He has done.

HelloGoodbye, and I don't mean the band

This season of life is controlled chaos. In a matter of twelve months I will have spent time in Illinois, Wisconsin, Texas, Minnesota and Ethiopia. I have taken the liberty of titling this chapter: life from a suitcase.

If it has taught me anything about myself, it’s that:
I love arriving, but I hate leaving.

I find joy in looking forward. I like for things to change and shift; I thrive in the new and different. This has worked to my benefit as I've kept pace with a number of opportunities.

I can become almost obsessive with what's next, however. I was recently telling a friend that being an RA means I am obligated to return in the fall. And then I laughed. I love it here, I seriously do. For the first time in a while I feel as though I really belong. But I wouldn't put it past my adventure-craving self to want something new: which I do realize would be incredibly irresponsible and irrational. I share this just to admit how deeply unsettled I tend to be.

This itch to continually start new seasons in my life, however, doesn't exist without irony. I have a really hard time leaving. Once I'm "there", I'm off and running. The transition period itself, on the other hand, is my weak point. I'm not so good at 'goodbye'. Honestly, it's not such a big deal or problem in and of itself. But this semester, I've realized it's deeper than my circumstances. It's a condition of my heart.

There are circumstances, dreams, thoughts, attitudes and relationships of my life that are changing and being made new. This is what I want[ed], hope[d] and pray[ed] for. Yet here I am, throwing a fit in the transition; because leaving the old is hard, uncomfortable and scary.

I am learning what it looks like to live out Philippians 2:13, "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure".
Another translation reads: "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him".

Take heart, take hope.

DTR

So at Moody, we have an acronym for pretty much everything. "DTR" stands for "define-the-relationship". It can be used in various contexts to reference a number of things. For example, when a guy has taken the initiative to look up your phone number in the school directory, and texted you multiple times a day since, and you're just not that interested... you perhaps meet him for lunch in the SDR (student-dining-room) for a DTR. Or, if a girl has been subtly dropping hints that she digs you, and you'd be overjoyed to have her as your girlfriend... it might be time to take her to coffee and DTR. Now that you have a clearer understanding of my chosen title, I'll move on.

Today at our school we had what's called a "Day One", which is more or less a tour day for prospective or incoming students. What was particularly unique about this specific tour day for me was that one year ago today, I was on the opposite side of the process; a prospective taking part in a "Day One". And though it seems like it's been much longer than a year, I still remember it pretty vividly.

After a year together, it only seems appropriate that I DTR ;) - and I thought I'd invite you in on this!

Dear MBI,
I would have to say that we've shared quite the year together and things are going pretty well. I commend you on being so very gentlemenly (you should know by now that I like to make up words) in paying for the majority of our time together. I also just want to thank you for accepting me, short-comings and all! I must admit that you've played a big role in shaping me this past year. You continually challenge me to be everything that I was created to be. You have challenged, grown, and stretched me in ways I couldn't have imagined. You've introduced me to some of your amazing friends (By The Hand ministry, Soul City Church, etc) and drawn me out into crazy places throughout Chicago!
I will confess that your requiring of me to sacrifice proximity to family, Jared, and friends has inevitably stirred doubts in me - I just wasn't sure we could work out. But I must say that I've found contentment in the balance and you've been quite the pleasant surprise!
Don't get too excited here, because I am in no way contemplating an actual relationship with you. (I've got a great guy already). I'm simply suggesting that we continue to be friends; granted it will most likely be long-distance after the Spring of 2012. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that you've been good and unlike anything I've met before. I consider myself blessed to have had this past year. I think we've got a good thing going! I hope you feel the same.

Sincerely,
Ash