okay to not be okay

Pain. I keep coming back to this idea.  It's not an idea really, it's an emotion; well, not even an emotion -- a reality.  It's a state of being.  Though usually temporary, it is nearly always personified.  It is typically not sought out; rather, it happens to us, in us, around us.  I used to avoid it at all cost.  If it presented itself predictably, I ran, hid or flat-out denied its existence or affects.  Now?  I've grown quite fond of pain.

Even to my ears that sounds purely twisted.  Fond of pain?  Maybe it would be better stated that: I have grown to appreciate what it is and does in my life (and our world).  Pain keeps us aware of our humanity, morality and vitality.  It challenges us, usually pointedly acknowledging that somewhere within us we have an understanding that we lack a 'shalom' we were created for.  There is an uncomfortable sting that something is not what it is supposed to be -- that tension hurts.  It awakens us to our senses.  It changes us.

Today I heard the story of a 14yr old boy in a detention center in Chicago.  He's there for selling drugs.  His mom got laid off last fall and he has never known a dad.  He's got a baby sister and the three of them lived in an apartment on the west side.  His mom couldn't find work.  His sister cried herself to sleep hungry, and eviction was only a matter of weeks away.  He understood the need for money.  He held his crying sister, terrified of what life would look like on the cold streets, and did the only thing he thought he could: sell to survive.

Pain.  It settled in on me.  That this-isn't-how-it's-supposed-to-be feeling created an unmistakable twinge in my heart and mind.  With wet eyes, I began to smile; acknowledging the collision of Kingdom-ache and supernatural-joy.  Pain was changing me in that moment.  I am not the same because of one story, one circumstance that brought about the weight of a reality I can't ignore.  Pain alerts us to the fact that something isn't right; something is worth giving attention to.

Pain: I still may not seek it, but I welcome it.

I Never Want to Grow Up

Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm reading a book, Elliot.

I want to read a book too, can I read with you?
Elliot climbs into his lap as he nods.

The plane is about to take off and Elliot takes his own seat.
What are you doing Daddy?

I'm looking out the window ...keep watching Bud, because we are going up into the sky!

Daddy, this window isn't glass. What is this window?

I think it's plexi-glass.

Confused he wonders whether this is cause for panic.
Why is the window "pexi"-glass and not just regular?

I actually have no clue, but I know it's supposed to be that way and it's going to be okay.

Elliot relaxes and squeaks in amazement as the plane ascends into the clouds. Once he is satisfied by the window situation, he interrupts the silence again with:
Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm fixing my watch, because the time is different where we are going.

Me too please? I help, you show me!
The father gives step by step instructions, even carefully guiding his son's fingers so that the job is done carefully and successfully; both Elliot and Daddy clap upon completing the task.

For the duration of the plane ride the two share laughs, trials, questions, hugs, rest, and everything in between. Elliot turns to everyone around him in confidence (including me), greeting them with:
Hi! I'm Elliot, this is my Daddy, and what is your name?



Meanwhile, I can't help but be completely blown away. This kid has got it, seriously got it. A four-year-old green-eyed stranger, with a thousand dollar smile, lives a rhythm that I desperately hope to learn.

Father God,
What are you doing?
I want to do it too!
What do you see?
Let me see too.
What is this you've put before me?
I know I'm secure with you.
I want to be more like you,
but I need your help;
Show me.
And when I still don't succeed,
Grab my every finger;
Lead and guide me.
Keep showing me who I am,
So that I am eager and confident to greet your children with:
Hi, I'm Ashley, THIS is my Father - He wants you to know your name too.


And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
Mark 10:13-15

In Snow, Sand, and Sunshine

Aprendiendo a rezar...

Since I've come to Moody, the biggest thematic lesson God is giving me is on prayer. I am learning to pray, it's as simple as that. It's not that I didn't pray before arriving here, my idea of prayer is just being radically refined. We're to pray relentlessly, unceasingly, diligently, confidently, genuinely, and kingdom-mindedly; and though undeserved, He hears, answers, moves, speaks, keeps His every promise, and is ever-patient with us. Also, seemingly most importantly we're to remember that we were created with two ears and one mouth, and we should use them accordingly. God's heart is to tell us, show us, and teach us His will in His timing; the Word tells us His sheep know his voice .* God speaks to us through His word, through another person or a song, and sometimes directly (and specifically) to our hearts. He never contradicts Himself, never lies**, and never fails***. (Phew! I'm also learning that it never gets old to talk/type about how amazingly good God is).

Then yesterday happened.

This the start of our spring break, so people have been stirring, packing, leaving, hugging, etc. I was feeling a little broken, honestly. I was recently hired at a Cafe (more to come about that), which is a huge blessing... but the timing just isn't what I would've chosen. I was so ready to go home, not to do training for a new job. I'm only staying in Chicago for a week of the 18-day break, but yesterday there would've been no convincing me that that was fair in the least. As Graci Mitchell (a 3-year-old I love) sang to me over the phone, my eyes welled with tears. I just want to hold her. Feeling mildly ridiculous, I thought to myself I just need to do something... I packed a small bag with my bible, my camera, my journal, and some cash and decided I was just going to go for a walk. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I knew I needed to pray; my new default instinct to all things! So I left... which turned out to be an excellent decision.

I was pleasantly greeted by sunshine.

The weather was picturesque. I thought to myself, if only I could remove all these buildings to feel the full effect of the sun. I then decided the closest I was going to get to that was being on the "beach" by lake Michigan. I walked there, found a dry spot of sand, and rolled myself onto my back. It was so bright I could barely keep my eyes open. My only prayer was God, be my comfort. Just as I prayed three white birds flew through the blue sky above me. I giggled in the irony of the trinity idea. I closed my eyes for a moment, but opened them again as they began to leak. This time two white birds flew over me and my heart was reminded of John 14: "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (Comforter, Encourager, Counselor), who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn't looking for him and doesn't recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you." (vs 16-17). One of the birds has made a home in my heart. When I'm feeling discouraged, alone, frustrated, confused, (or any emotion across the spectrum); I need not to look anywhere but to the One who lives in me, (and with, around, and above me). What joy I'm finding in the fact that the One who sastisfies my every need, is the same One who relentlessly pursues me, and intimately knows the innermost workings of my heart, soul, body, and mind.

"...remove all these buildings..."

As I said earlier, the first thought I had as I stepped into the sunshine was that I wished I could remove all the buildings. Ironically, I'm continually discovering that is exactly what God desires to do in my heart; to burn away everything that is not of Him so that I might simply lay in the presence of the sun (Son). I ache for the walls to fall, longing to feel the heat of His fire. It's about time for a renovation. It's about time for the Kingdom# to come and replace the distractions, temptations, and idols in my life.

* John 10:11-13

** Hebrews 6:18

*** Daniel 9:4

# a link to Bethany Dillon's song: Kingdom