there is no "me" in control

It was recently proposed to me that the idea of sleep, and it's necessity, should remind us that we're not God.  I need a near daily shut-down time; a physical break from reality.  God doesn't.

One of my professors pointed out that "people have a need to be in control of their own lives...and they have a need to know that God approves of that idea".

What a sticky thing to admit to.  Yet, guilty is my plea.

I like to think that I am in control, or have control, or at least have access to control.  This is detrimental from the ground, up.  I suddenly take on responsibility where I wasn't intended to.  I sacrifice self-control as a discipline and replace it with feigned control of my, and others', circumstances.

But God (one of my favorite biblically-used transitions) knows me.

It took but one sunrise (which is what these photos are from: one of the glorious fall Lake Michigan Sunrises I've experienced) to get my attention and challenge my perspective again.

You feel pretty small standing on the edge of the water, watching the sun climb up the sky and burst from the clouds.  I begin to take myself a little less seriously as I realize how deeply I have fooled myself into thinking I wanted control.

In spontaneous freedom I am reminded that I am not responsible for any one's happiness; my job is to glorify God (period).  I am not in control of his/her well-being.

Where that once made me feel uncomfortable, I now find curiosity in learning passive obedience.  I have begun to recognize my insecurities and reassess the places to which I have attached my worth.

I am back on my 'toes', eager to learn to live in hope instead of dreaming of control. 

I spin a lot of plates, and sometimes it seems that I am able to do it quite well.  But it's time for some better life-managing.

There is an innocent freedom found in simply waking up and realizing, once again, that I was sleeping (because I am not God).  I was never intended or wired to be in ultimate control.

As I move beyond recognition and into implication(s), I know there will be opposition.  So I place one foot in front of the other with sword in hand: "As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Because of that cross, because of Him, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died" (Galatians 6:14).

And I promise to keep rambling on here as I go.

An Ashley Update

Fall is officially into motion, with or without my permission! I've been at Moody for 8 days or so now and will admit that the semester has already greeted me like a roller coaster ride. I guess it's time I buckle up, helmet up, and scream "look mom, no hands!" haha. Enjoy some photos before I spill my heart:




Those Chicago city lights are definitely growing on me


My Photo-Buddy, Katie, & I at the beach


Burying Rachel in the sand... epic.


A traditional game of Buck-Buck at Moody :P


My Roommate Jenn & I... LOVE her!!


Just for my mom; the first day of school 0:)


In other news; here's the current condition of my heart:

This morning I read Psalm 23. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need" (vs1). He knew I'd need that. My life was interrupted today by some financial surprises. My dreamy, sparkling eyes suddenly zoomed and locked on the pending reality of weighted decisions. I was forced to continually remind myself that the Creator of the universe is not shocked by my current circumstance and seeming predicament. As I sat through meetings with advisers, I literally whispered the words of Jeremiah 29 so as to hold off the stream of anxiety trying to reach my fragile heart.

Being the plan-machine that I am, I am always caught off guard when I realize how out of control I am. You'd think after learning time and time again that my life is a stewardship and not an ownership, I'd have moved beyond pretending to be in control... yet I'm found humbled once again. I don't like being vulnerable and my worst fear is to be a burden; however I'm left accepting that the uncomfortable moments serve to drive us deeper in relationship. Plain and simple, I'm needy in so many ways. I need a Savior just as bad as the next person. I run around like I have it all together, but honestly this season of my life is so teaching me of my brokenness. I dig myself into holes and sometimes have trouble keeping my head above the water. Day in and day out I'm dependant for my every breath.

In the only class I had today, my professor brought up Timothy. The only verse I know in Timothy well is "If we are UNfaithful, He REMAINS faithful, for He cannot deny who He is", 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen. I don't have answers but I cast my burdens on the One who cares (1 Peter 5:7). I stay grounded and seek discernment- responsibly and rationally. I'm not alone. "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me", Psalm 23:4 (Like I said, He knew I needed that Psalm!).

Still a favorite song: Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon

In Snow, Sand, and Sunshine

Aprendiendo a rezar...

Since I've come to Moody, the biggest thematic lesson God is giving me is on prayer. I am learning to pray, it's as simple as that. It's not that I didn't pray before arriving here, my idea of prayer is just being radically refined. We're to pray relentlessly, unceasingly, diligently, confidently, genuinely, and kingdom-mindedly; and though undeserved, He hears, answers, moves, speaks, keeps His every promise, and is ever-patient with us. Also, seemingly most importantly we're to remember that we were created with two ears and one mouth, and we should use them accordingly. God's heart is to tell us, show us, and teach us His will in His timing; the Word tells us His sheep know his voice .* God speaks to us through His word, through another person or a song, and sometimes directly (and specifically) to our hearts. He never contradicts Himself, never lies**, and never fails***. (Phew! I'm also learning that it never gets old to talk/type about how amazingly good God is).

Then yesterday happened.

This the start of our spring break, so people have been stirring, packing, leaving, hugging, etc. I was feeling a little broken, honestly. I was recently hired at a Cafe (more to come about that), which is a huge blessing... but the timing just isn't what I would've chosen. I was so ready to go home, not to do training for a new job. I'm only staying in Chicago for a week of the 18-day break, but yesterday there would've been no convincing me that that was fair in the least. As Graci Mitchell (a 3-year-old I love) sang to me over the phone, my eyes welled with tears. I just want to hold her. Feeling mildly ridiculous, I thought to myself I just need to do something... I packed a small bag with my bible, my camera, my journal, and some cash and decided I was just going to go for a walk. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I knew I needed to pray; my new default instinct to all things! So I left... which turned out to be an excellent decision.

I was pleasantly greeted by sunshine.

The weather was picturesque. I thought to myself, if only I could remove all these buildings to feel the full effect of the sun. I then decided the closest I was going to get to that was being on the "beach" by lake Michigan. I walked there, found a dry spot of sand, and rolled myself onto my back. It was so bright I could barely keep my eyes open. My only prayer was God, be my comfort. Just as I prayed three white birds flew through the blue sky above me. I giggled in the irony of the trinity idea. I closed my eyes for a moment, but opened them again as they began to leak. This time two white birds flew over me and my heart was reminded of John 14: "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (Comforter, Encourager, Counselor), who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn't looking for him and doesn't recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you." (vs 16-17). One of the birds has made a home in my heart. When I'm feeling discouraged, alone, frustrated, confused, (or any emotion across the spectrum); I need not to look anywhere but to the One who lives in me, (and with, around, and above me). What joy I'm finding in the fact that the One who sastisfies my every need, is the same One who relentlessly pursues me, and intimately knows the innermost workings of my heart, soul, body, and mind.

"...remove all these buildings..."

As I said earlier, the first thought I had as I stepped into the sunshine was that I wished I could remove all the buildings. Ironically, I'm continually discovering that is exactly what God desires to do in my heart; to burn away everything that is not of Him so that I might simply lay in the presence of the sun (Son). I ache for the walls to fall, longing to feel the heat of His fire. It's about time for a renovation. It's about time for the Kingdom# to come and replace the distractions, temptations, and idols in my life.

* John 10:11-13

** Hebrews 6:18

*** Daniel 9:4

# a link to Bethany Dillon's song: Kingdom