Metaphorical Bridges to Ethiopia

I was reading through some of my journal from my time in Ethiopia and stopped to resonate on an entry that I have been living out in a new context.

On June 17th I wrote:

I felt as though the God in me was truly needed in that time and place.  Though tension rang through my mind and heart, there was a peace in my soul.

I sigh because often I make things so complicated.  We make things more difficult than they need to be.  People need to be loved, to be truly seen.  People are dying to be heard and they don't need answers, but a God that is big enough to be Comfort and Grace and Mercy right in the middle of their chaos. 

People need to be reminded that they can.  They want to taste and see living hope.  In response, I want to live magnetically.  I want to live radically different but not out of guilt or in shame.  I want my life to look different because of love, because of selflessness.  I always want to life in awareness of my purpose and worth so that others, too, might see and know theirs.

If you want to see change, expect to be changed.

Previously, I couldn't name or pinpoint the reason I felt prepared for this season.  It's been a beautiful thing to be in another position that invites me, daily, to fight for (and with) people.  Here's to continually learning to love well...

at the top again

The chaos of a new season of life has a way of sweeping me off my feet.  It's not necessarily a frenzy of commotion, but sometimes the rhythmic waves of responsibility (the things I have to do) and sanity (the things I want to do) -- or where the two overlap... an unusually common occurrence in this season of my life.

*time to pause* *time to reflect*

I'm found at the beginning of an end, and believe me when I say that the sentimental moments of reflection have already begun.  Moody has been, and is, such a good chapter for me.  I wasn't expecting the wealth of emotion that this year has spurred, but I've been welcoming it. 

I feel weirdly alive and in a state of anticipation.  I want to "leave it all on the floor" this year.  I'm putting on my metaphorical waders, because reality is already knee-deep but I just need more.

As RAs we get to set a floor theme for the year.  I chose Psalm 142:7...

“Bring my soul out of prison,

So that I may give thanks to Your name;

The righteous will surround me,

For You will deal bountifully with me.”

It has become my anthem in all this, chaos and otherwise.

small changes from a Big God

So it's been a while...




*Insert happily-overwhelmed sigh here*

I've found myself in a bit of a whirlwind. I have arrived at the beginning of my senior year at Moody, just plain ready. I'm very much left in transition from a summer that included almost seven weeks in Ethiopia, and a plethora of other scattered events. (The Ethiopia stories will leak out on here sporadically, so be patient :), and stay tuned.) I've been in Chicago for a little over a week now, preparing to be an RA for the year. The new students are arriving today and I couldn't be more thrilled. The learning and growing has already begun for the semester and I'm eager for even the chaos ahead.



Pausing for coffee has become one of my more guarded practices over the past few months. This stems partially from my own selfishness and love of coffee, but is also perhaps a rubbing-off of Ethiopian culture. None-the-less it's a beautiful reality that I look forward to and enjoy regularly.

Along with that this semester, I've decided to include reading a chunk of the gospel(s) to my daily routine... a result of a summer that stretched me on all levels. Honestly, I just felt like I was gently being taught that God is Bigger, in all areas of life.

My last week in Ethiopia I was reading in the book of Mark. In chapter 6, Jesus feeds 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. Then, in chapter 8, the disciples ask: "...How are we supposed to find enough food...?" (Mark 8:4). I literally laughed out loud in reading this. Jesus must have been thinking: 'Seriously, that whole miraculous-feeding-5,000-people-with-one-meal thing I did didn't convince you I'm bigger than the food thing? Faith, people, have faith.'

Once I was finished laughing and judging the disciples, I felt a little twinge in my conscious. I do this all the time. Now I'm blessed enough that it's never been about food, but I sometimes have irrational fear about things that God has already proved himself bigger than. I'm prone to quickly forgetting or unintentionally over-looking the truths and promises I've found.

Because I know this about myself, it's time to weed out excuses. I'm going to soak in who Christ is everyday... even if it's just a small piece. I'm going to remind myself of what He did and does, reconciling my worldview accordingly. It's my hope to become more like Him: more like the Ashley God created me to be. Therefore, you can expect to hear more about coffee and Christ.

FFFFFF

FOOD
I've always enjoyed food; especially with good company. But this semester I've developed a particular interest in actually gaining an awareness of WHAT is in the food I'm eating. (Though, I've quickly learned that sometimes it's just best not to think about it). Anyway, this has led me - in a round about way - to want to learn to cook and bake more and better. (That was a ridiculous sentence grammatically, but I hope you can get past it and stay with me).

FRIEND
I'd like to introduce you to my friend Katie... she too wishes she had a million dollar gift card to Whole Foods; and she is just an all-around fantastic woman.

FUN
We decided that it would be fun to learn about food together and share some cooking/baking experiences. Being the creative women that we are, we of course opted to start our own "cooking show". Now I'm not sure you can call it a show because it hasn't yet been filmed and it's timing of events is very sporadic; BUT our dream is to eventually pay for our future children's college tuition(s) with it's profit ;)!

FLAMMABLE
We have named our show Flammable (for which you will see why shortly) and given it the tag-line of "No Recipes Allowed!" (because we've agreed to never use a recipe, besides those stored within our mind). (I really need to stop using parentheses). You don't need to know all of the rules to appreciate the concept.

FAIL
Our first attempt was home/dorm-made granola. It was developing just fine until we doused it in honey, turned the oven to 385 degrees, and then went to our room to talk about boys... I mean work on homework ... - forgetting to set a timer. Needless to say, those are not chocolate chips or chocolate residue on the pan. That's charcoaled, torched, carcinogen-flavored granola. Hahahahah!


FINALLY
We just couldn't settle for failure, so we adjusted some of our ingredients and tried a second time. After air-ing out the kitchen and cleaning the pan, of course, we claimed success; having made a delicious midnight snack, sharing a stomach-wrenching laugh, and agreeing to double the recipe next time.



...more adventures to come

Leaves are Falling, Seasons are Flying

This past weekend we played in the Regional volleyball tournament in Michigan. We took third place, which means I won't be soaking sun in Florida for Nationals...lol. But it was a great wrap up to a particularly great season.

We finished with a record of something like 22-6, and claimed a number of those W's from talented teams that deemed us underdogs. We were a team of eleven girls whose tallest player was characteristic of the shortest on some teams. We started the year with a new coach and team, curiously filled with expectations. As a family we were pushed physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Never have I experienced such a rapid, but genuine, knitting together of lives.

These people quickly became so valuable to me. As cliche as it sounds, we shared blood, sweat, and tears. We moaned together while stretching after lunges, rubbed our eyes as we loaded the bus for tournaments, and shared everything from shampoo to clothes to deodorant. We pushed and challenged each other. We compared bruises and blisters, and bottles of pain killer.

We learned how to juggle sports, school, work, and life; and perhaps more importantly how to admit that sometimes we just can't do it all. This season, volleyball was more than a sport for me. I've never experienced such community with athletics. We shared life not because we had to, but because we wanted to. I was free to encourage and be encouraged. It became a season of refining strengths instead of learning weaknesses. Beyond developing physical skill, it included character development. We failed, fought, and succeeded together. We laughed, cried, prayed, sang, and danced as a team.

I'll most remember eating at Red Robin; playing a game where we all hold hands under the table and flip a coin to see who can grab a ketchup bottle the quickest. I won't forget eating at Culver's discussing whether you "chuck" or "chunk" a ball. I hope I always remember the Grace Bible Tournament where a coach scouted our team, taking vigorous notes for two whole games on me, and other non-starters; only to find out he'd wasted an hour (and a lot of ink) because the girls his team would face were on our bench that day, hahaha! I'll remember when Rachel lost her toenail, and Katie lost her 'finger-tube'. I won't forget warming up each game with Megan Curtiss. I'll most remember when Hannah came back to the bench and missed her chair completely, lol. And I can't forget movie night when coach came flying on his stomach, on a rolling desk chair, and kicked a cup of apple cider out of my hand! Honestly, I could go on and on because this has really been a scrapbook worthy season, and I'm sure it will build it's own camp on my memory lane.

As it's all said and done, I'm so thankful to have been a part of it. Through nearly sleepless nights and road trips marked by carsickness, I take away from the experience much more than I could count as lost. I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded with people to love and be loved by. Here's to a season marked by surprises galore!


Moody Volleyball 2010: "We provide the effort, God provides the results".

Algunas Fotos

You must be sick of reading so much, and I don't have much time, so here's a scrapbook entry of some fun things I've been up to!



Volleyball is still such a treat. We sing as a team for the National Anthem at home games, (pretty awesome, I know).


Visiting "the (notorious) Bean" with some new Bro/Sis: Nate, Me, Sarah, Rachel & Ben :).


We accidentally stumbled upon one of the city's hidden treasures; a beautiful park outside the Art Institute.


Add this^ to the list of reasons I love going to school in Chicago: Museum FREE Days!


Inside the Chicago Field Museum, the dinosaur is named "Sue". My initial thought: really? haha!


Currently, the museum has an entire exhibit on Africa :), and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


...after some ice cream and an adventurous day with friends, I hate to admit that the darn city is growing on me.

That's all folks!

Pounding the Pavement

I've been "running" pretty regularly now since June. I started out as downright horrible, and now I'd like to argue that I'm only fairly terrible! Honestly, I am not great at pushing myself physically. I have to play mental games with myself continuously. Now beyond my personal pride issues, there will likely never be a pressing reason that I'll need to be able to run 14 miles... but it's a life goal of mine none the less.

The city poses as quite the obstacle when it comes to distance running. The busy sidewalks, the noise that competes with my motivational music, and the potential stop-light every block or so really creates for an interesting atmosphere. Therefore, I've made it a habit to run to, and then along, Lake Michigan. Lately it's been a place of extremely high traffic as many (much more conditioned) runners are training for the Chicago Marathon on 10/10/10. I recently found myself in the middle of a group of runners with numbered tags, huffing along with them until there was a grassy clearing in which a woman was collecting cups that runners had tossed aside. I took this as my out, and began to help her throw the cups away. She kindly informed me that this was the "20 Miler", a marathon preparation run. Holy cow! Maybe someday I'll be that legit? Okay, probably not... hahaha!

On a different occasion I was running through an intersection and stopped stunned in my tracks as I saw Vince Vaughn approaching. I kid you not. Now as I said, I was running; so I didn't have a camera, my phone, or even a pen and so you'll just have to take my word. It wasn't until about ten paces after he'd passed that I found myself wishing I would've at least said good morning. Hopefully I'll get another chance to interact with someone of that status. After all, I live in Chicago (which is pretty stinkin' cool).

I had a another crazy running experience this past Sunday. I ran into, (don't worry , not literally), a man from the new church I've been attending/helping-to-plant (details on this to come soon, I promise). His name is "JeDay", and he's from Niger. It was a special treat to meet him that morning as he was 6 miles from his home and I was 3 from mine. The city can seem overwhelmingly big sometimes, but moments like this balance my perspective. All this to say that running has been such an awesome way to interact with the place I live; I may need to periodically consult my legs on this one, but I think I'll press on :)

One Month Gone, Many Lessons Gained

Lesson #1: How People React To You Is All About Context.
My PCM (weekly service act) this semester rocks. I'm serving with an organization called "By The Hand" (comparable to Boys&Girls Club) in an area of Chicago known as Cabrini-Green, which is notoriously a 'recovering-projects' type neighborhood. (Well actually the city is perhaps wiping it out entirely, but that's another story). So, I was walking there (with my backpack on, eating a tuna sandwich, and drinking from a milk carton); when an officer stopped me. He gave me a sort of 'Good Afternoon Miss, are you lost?'. I responded with "anything but" and a smile. Upon walking through the door of the organization, a familiar face introduced me to her manager. He responded with some clapping, jumping, and a gleeful “You’re a God-Send!” (Lol), and then he went on to make note of my favorite cookie and tease me about how white my name is.

Lesson #2: Fresh Perspective Can Do A Soul Some Good.
I can be rather selfish when I have a lot to do. It's as if I switch into some sort of auto-pilot mode, mindlessly juggling responsibilities. Under these circumstances, any unplanned interruptions usually get disregarded, ignored, or yelled at. But this past Wednesday my dear friend was taken by ambulance to a local Emergency Department. Needless to say, I spent the day there with her, erasing eight hours of agenda in a moment's notice (willingly). My window of perspective was literally shaken and shattered as I was forced to seriously take heart as to what matters. Does it really matter if I don't finish this reading, go to this class, attend this event, be at this practice, etc, etc? I was caught in the tragedy of realizing that I had made things about obligations, lists, and responsibilities. How ridiculously unfulfilling it is to live for and focus on such temporary items. If I want to live free of hypocrisy, it has to be about relationships; obedience, love, and selflessness.

Lesson #3: People have hidden talents :).

A friend of mine (Sarah) from the Vball team can paint toenails awesomely! I just couldn't resist sharing...

Lesson #4: Never say never!

So my immensely tight schedule really limited my class options for the semester. But I wasn't ready to settle for a light load as I'm still playing a little game of catch-up credit-wise. So after a couple conversations with professors and department chairs, I get to participate in a "directed study" this semester :D. Basically, I'll receive three credits to fulfill my "Ministry Skills Elective" requirement by reading/researching and writing about stuff my heart totally beats for. I'll be reading two Catherine Hamlin books, along with a book called "Half the Sky" and one titled "Shepherding Women in Pain". WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! I more or less get to design the class under supervision of a professor. AND I recently found a ministry that serves fistula women in the Congo whose base is in Chicago! (You can bet I'm going to interview them as my class project!) I'm also taking a class this semester called 'Race, Poverty, & Social Justice' which I can already tell I'm going to LOVE (and hate). And I'm taking Philosophy as well, which just makes me sweat :P. Really each of my classes this semester should be bomb.

Lesson #5: Today's joys may be tomorrow's therapy.
As the semester drops gears to "FULL FORCE" I am ever aware of the discipline that will be asked of me. I've got a lot on my plate... much by choice, some by obligation, and a bit out of requirement. Nonetheless, I'm thrilled & filled with anticipation. There will come a time in the semester when the overwhelmed-ness that is tying knots in my stomach will question ‘what have you gotten yourself into’, and threaten ‘you can’t do this’. But as for now, I’m expectant of the opportunities and experiences to come. So I take the initiative to type it out, in case I need to come back and remind myself just what privileges and joys are tucked into each corner of my life this fall.

A Total UN-Eclipse of the Heart

Phew! So honestly, these past couple nights are really the first time I've had time & space to process the past few weeks. And quite frankly, they haven't been super easy. In fact, many aspects of "my world" have experienced a sort of paradigm shift, if they've not been flipped completely upside down.

Back in May, I began to allow myself into the darker parts of my heart as a renovation began to take place. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I have cultivated wickedness and harvested a thriving crop of sins. I have eaten the fruit of lies. (Hosea 10:12-13). Yet as that journey began, I was also assured that I was safe. "I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me.” - Hosea 14:8

Admittedly however, I've felt anything but safe starting out the semester this fall. I've been challenged and surprised; relationally, vocationally, financially, academically, physically, spiritually, etc.

When I'm honest, I can confess that my biggest human character flaw is inconsistency. Too often I've suffered from a mind of fear, or been seemingly paralyzed by a hesitant heart. It's the difference between able and willing. This past summer was one during which I learned how very capable I am. In the midst of some colorful trials of mind, body, and spirit; I was shown more and more of who God says I am - who He created me to be. And now that I've walked through that, it's a new chapter of answering will I?s instead of can I?s.

As if to obliterate any potential misunderstanding, ideas like these have recurrently appeared in my life recently.
A professor of mine, Professor Craigen, was speaking in class this past week and it gave me chills. He was raising the idea that so often we sit and debate what kind of light we are, instead of just going to be one. We ask 'am I evangelical, protestant, baptist, pentacostal, etc, etc'. Are we missing the point? We want to know more and more; hear more sermons and read more books. We subscribe to podcasts and keep up on blogs. Isn't it more important that we put what we're learning into practice. He challenged us to take one idea, one thing, from each Sunday we attend church and live it, expecting nothing less than for our life and those around us to radically change.
During chapel in the first week of school, one of the speakers quoted a chinese proverb that reads something like "we spend so much time cursing the darkness instead of lighting a candle". I sit and study theology instead of going out and getting uncomfortable. I make excuses because displacing myself is messy. When the reality is we weren't meant to merely survive the world, we were meant to change it. However, that requires an uncircumstancial willingness and selflessness. I hope and pray that those qualities grow in me. I don’t want to just go through the motions of life. I know I won’t be satisfied looking back if I haven’t written a story worth reading.

So I raise my metaphorical glass to stretching myself. I've seen but a glimpse of the challenges to come, but I've also only had a mere peek at the joy to come. My own heart is becoming more and more visible to me. As my faith and trust is tested, my expectancy grows. This semester already has been, and will most likely continue to be, one that pushes me to the very edge of everything I believe, think, or know. Hello to a new chapter of learning, refining my faith, renovating my heart, deepening relationships, standing in the rain, challenging my everything, and praying unceasingly through it all.

Thanks for journeying with me.

What's The "Skinny"?

This past weekend we had our first VOLLEYBALL tournamnet! This whole adventure has definitely challenged me both physically and mentally, but God knew I needed these girls. After our first tournament (and taking first place!), I just can't wait for more to come!












My New Room!











^^Two sweet things: My Wall Map & The View From My Window!! The map's a good, constant, reminder that I'm not the center of the universe. The view... it rocks just as much (maybe more) at night.


Finally, Here's to a semseter of being BOLD.



So, I wrote a letter to a state rep, pretty much pleading for him to cosponsor a newly proposed bill that concerns international aid to Fistula prevention and relief, (ahh- crazy cool opportunity)! Join me by getting your Pray on ;).


More to come, stay tuned.

An Ashley Update

Fall is officially into motion, with or without my permission! I've been at Moody for 8 days or so now and will admit that the semester has already greeted me like a roller coaster ride. I guess it's time I buckle up, helmet up, and scream "look mom, no hands!" haha. Enjoy some photos before I spill my heart:




Those Chicago city lights are definitely growing on me


My Photo-Buddy, Katie, & I at the beach


Burying Rachel in the sand... epic.


A traditional game of Buck-Buck at Moody :P


My Roommate Jenn & I... LOVE her!!


Just for my mom; the first day of school 0:)


In other news; here's the current condition of my heart:

This morning I read Psalm 23. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need" (vs1). He knew I'd need that. My life was interrupted today by some financial surprises. My dreamy, sparkling eyes suddenly zoomed and locked on the pending reality of weighted decisions. I was forced to continually remind myself that the Creator of the universe is not shocked by my current circumstance and seeming predicament. As I sat through meetings with advisers, I literally whispered the words of Jeremiah 29 so as to hold off the stream of anxiety trying to reach my fragile heart.

Being the plan-machine that I am, I am always caught off guard when I realize how out of control I am. You'd think after learning time and time again that my life is a stewardship and not an ownership, I'd have moved beyond pretending to be in control... yet I'm found humbled once again. I don't like being vulnerable and my worst fear is to be a burden; however I'm left accepting that the uncomfortable moments serve to drive us deeper in relationship. Plain and simple, I'm needy in so many ways. I need a Savior just as bad as the next person. I run around like I have it all together, but honestly this season of my life is so teaching me of my brokenness. I dig myself into holes and sometimes have trouble keeping my head above the water. Day in and day out I'm dependant for my every breath.

In the only class I had today, my professor brought up Timothy. The only verse I know in Timothy well is "If we are UNfaithful, He REMAINS faithful, for He cannot deny who He is", 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen. I don't have answers but I cast my burdens on the One who cares (1 Peter 5:7). I stay grounded and seek discernment- responsibly and rationally. I'm not alone. "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me", Psalm 23:4 (Like I said, He knew I needed that Psalm!).

Still a favorite song: Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon