there is no "me" in control

It was recently proposed to me that the idea of sleep, and it's necessity, should remind us that we're not God.  I need a near daily shut-down time; a physical break from reality.  God doesn't.

One of my professors pointed out that "people have a need to be in control of their own lives...and they have a need to know that God approves of that idea".

What a sticky thing to admit to.  Yet, guilty is my plea.

I like to think that I am in control, or have control, or at least have access to control.  This is detrimental from the ground, up.  I suddenly take on responsibility where I wasn't intended to.  I sacrifice self-control as a discipline and replace it with feigned control of my, and others', circumstances.

But God (one of my favorite biblically-used transitions) knows me.

It took but one sunrise (which is what these photos are from: one of the glorious fall Lake Michigan Sunrises I've experienced) to get my attention and challenge my perspective again.

You feel pretty small standing on the edge of the water, watching the sun climb up the sky and burst from the clouds.  I begin to take myself a little less seriously as I realize how deeply I have fooled myself into thinking I wanted control.

In spontaneous freedom I am reminded that I am not responsible for any one's happiness; my job is to glorify God (period).  I am not in control of his/her well-being.

Where that once made me feel uncomfortable, I now find curiosity in learning passive obedience.  I have begun to recognize my insecurities and reassess the places to which I have attached my worth.

I am back on my 'toes', eager to learn to live in hope instead of dreaming of control. 

I spin a lot of plates, and sometimes it seems that I am able to do it quite well.  But it's time for some better life-managing.

There is an innocent freedom found in simply waking up and realizing, once again, that I was sleeping (because I am not God).  I was never intended or wired to be in ultimate control.

As I move beyond recognition and into implication(s), I know there will be opposition.  So I place one foot in front of the other with sword in hand: "As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Because of that cross, because of Him, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died" (Galatians 6:14).

And I promise to keep rambling on here as I go.

another chapter

I'm teaching two Pre-K classes this semester at a Chinese Christian school. I'm learning more than I could've ever imagined.

Enter Friday's Super Scientists Class.

Bruce is four; he has the curiosity and energy to prove it.

He likes to know what everyone is doing, all of the time. Instead of sitting with his own project or experiment, he's typically found wandering from one peer to another until he's accounted for the where-abouts and what-abouts of the 11 other students. He likes to help, so it's not all bad.

Today there were three rotating stations. Bruce was very engaged in the first, but insisted on skipping the second - because the third looked more exciting. He didn't understand that the sequence was necessary to the learning process. He wouldn't be convinced that the rules were set up for his good. If only he would trust me and wait, something more and better than he was even imagining would come.

Kicking, flailing, and grunting I carried him to his seat. I tried to softly convince him of my reasoning. When that didn't work, I bribed him a little. And when that didn't phase him, I resorted to all out begging! It was as if he didn't hear me. Or perhaps it was that he was sure his way was best, and therefore deemed my input as untrustworthy and unnecessary.

The only time he would stay in his seat was if I were holding his hand, literally. He wasn't calm by any means, but he remained on the chair if he felt my hand and heard my voice. But having eleven other 'eager beavers' just doesn't allow for this sort of one-on-one attention consistently.

It was quite the scene. It resulted in spilt water and a mess of pepper. His experiment didn't work properly because his persistence to 'do it his way' proportioned the materials incorrectly. The sequence of unfortunate events continued as his clear disappointment turned into jealousy and frustration. Why didn't his experiment work? Did I (the teacher) mess his up on purpose!? And how did his shirt get wet and his table space full of black specs? At the end of the day all of the other kids had something to take home from the second station, but not Bruce.

Even in my frustration I empathized with my four year old friend.

I had to come to accept the fact that I have been in a similar mind-set, it just isn't as cute or excusable on me.

I'm found looking around and ahead as if I could wish my way into something else. I haven't lost joy or excitement in watching others be blessed, but I have been prone to jealousy - more than usual.

It's not that this "station" is bad or unpleasant; I just felt much more engaged in the last, and the next one looks a little more appealing from where I sit. I understand the concept of the 'big picture' and that this season of preparation is absolutely necessary; yet I'm found anxious in heart, mind, and body.

My selfishness wants to reach for control, wants to make a change just for the sake of change. Instead of listening, I'm frequently found trying to convince or bargain my way out of present circumstances.

Not-so-ironically, like Bruce, there are times I sit stupidly still as I feel the hand of the Teacher. I have moments where I am silently taken back by His attention, yet I am then quick to get distracted or squirm again.

Also like this four year old, I make a mess of things. I'm left frustrated and hurt by my own choosing; yet wanting to blame anything and anyone else.

It took me some time to see, and even more to admit. Now it's time for change. It's time I reconcile my attitude with the will of my Father. My heart is being refined, and I don't want to miss one beat. Again Philippians 2:13 is personified to and in me. It's time I look up instead of all around me, and time I kneel instead of run. I trust because my every need is met. I'm thirsty for wisdom and understanding. I feel the weight of the truths in Ecclesiastes;, learning to enjoy what I have and removing grief & anger from my heart, and pain from my body. I'm beginning to ache to live in light of Ephesians 5; imitating the Creator unconditionally and walking in His will.

I write today because my heart and mind are full. I write because I know my inconsistency needs an accountability restraint. and I write today in case you need to borrow my experience to let God speak to your heart.

Untitled

There is a man who frequents the coffee shop I worked at in Eau Claire. For the sake of privacy, I'll refer to him as Pete.

One Saturday this past summer Pete came in and I didn't have to ask if his heart was heavy, because his eyes said it all. As an attempt to distract, I offered his usual. While he solemnly nodded his head - biting his lip as he forced a smile - I whispered asking God for the strength to meet him in the middle of his pain. As I made his sandwich he reminded me of the fact that he stops by to get a bite to eat on his way to the cemetery, to see his wife's grave, (who passed three years ago). Acknowledging that I heard him, I thanked him for choosing to come; chuckling in agreement that he wasn't going to find a better lunch in town. While his sandwich cooked, I came back around the counter to hand him a drink when he asked if I'd like to see a picture of his wife... I readily agreed.

Pete came back from his car, slowly - (he's almost 90 after all); and as he set her picture on the counter, the wrinkles on his face became a sort of pinball course for the tears wetting the collar of his shirt. Attempting to offer comfort, I asked where he met such a beautiful gal. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to enter a past realm as he vividly described the way he had come back from war and saw her dancing at a school dance. He reminisced about the way he confidently looked her in the eye and said "you know, I'm guna' marry you"... going on to say "and two years later, she said yes"! He laughed, sighed, and cried as he reminisced some of the moments they'd shared.

I share this story today because I didn't realize then what I was learning. I was merely a listener; yet my ears offered consoling that I can't explain. This semester has been one in which so many of the relationships in my life have been marked by trying situations; people I walk with daily are seemingly battling the weight of life. In the midst of this, I'm learning the value of meeting them in their muck. I'm realizing the importance of simply sharing life as Romans 12* paints it. I have less answers to offer, but a softened heart. I can't promise to take away all their hurt, fear, or trials - but I can share with them the love of my Jesus. As I rediscover the power of a person's story, I'm embracing the intimacy that comes with transparency and displacement. I'm reminded this season that I have but scratched the surface in living the truth that it's simply not about me.




*Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!" -Romans 12:15-16 (NLT)

An Ashley Update

Fall is officially into motion, with or without my permission! I've been at Moody for 8 days or so now and will admit that the semester has already greeted me like a roller coaster ride. I guess it's time I buckle up, helmet up, and scream "look mom, no hands!" haha. Enjoy some photos before I spill my heart:




Those Chicago city lights are definitely growing on me


My Photo-Buddy, Katie, & I at the beach


Burying Rachel in the sand... epic.


A traditional game of Buck-Buck at Moody :P


My Roommate Jenn & I... LOVE her!!


Just for my mom; the first day of school 0:)


In other news; here's the current condition of my heart:

This morning I read Psalm 23. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need" (vs1). He knew I'd need that. My life was interrupted today by some financial surprises. My dreamy, sparkling eyes suddenly zoomed and locked on the pending reality of weighted decisions. I was forced to continually remind myself that the Creator of the universe is not shocked by my current circumstance and seeming predicament. As I sat through meetings with advisers, I literally whispered the words of Jeremiah 29 so as to hold off the stream of anxiety trying to reach my fragile heart.

Being the plan-machine that I am, I am always caught off guard when I realize how out of control I am. You'd think after learning time and time again that my life is a stewardship and not an ownership, I'd have moved beyond pretending to be in control... yet I'm found humbled once again. I don't like being vulnerable and my worst fear is to be a burden; however I'm left accepting that the uncomfortable moments serve to drive us deeper in relationship. Plain and simple, I'm needy in so many ways. I need a Savior just as bad as the next person. I run around like I have it all together, but honestly this season of my life is so teaching me of my brokenness. I dig myself into holes and sometimes have trouble keeping my head above the water. Day in and day out I'm dependant for my every breath.

In the only class I had today, my professor brought up Timothy. The only verse I know in Timothy well is "If we are UNfaithful, He REMAINS faithful, for He cannot deny who He is", 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen. I don't have answers but I cast my burdens on the One who cares (1 Peter 5:7). I stay grounded and seek discernment- responsibly and rationally. I'm not alone. "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me", Psalm 23:4 (Like I said, He knew I needed that Psalm!).

Still a favorite song: Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon

Good Morning Vietnam?

The past couple of weeks, as I saw summer's end crawling towards me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous. My stomach churned as I thought of packing my things once again, and uprooting what feels like the veins to my heart. As background, I was blessed to participate in a Beth Moore study ("Believing God") this summer with women at Valleybrook church. The one night that particularly grabbed me was one in which Beth spoke about Joshua chapter 4; an account of when the Israelites walked through the Jordan River on dry ground, and set up twelve stones of remembrance. She was describing the fact that it's "in the middle of the river" that doubt and anxiety swell inside of us.

Honestly I was a little ashamed to admit that I've given Captain Doubt and Queen Anxiety giant foot-holds in my mind and heart. I was and am in the middle of a river. The side I came from is familiar, "safe", and fairly predictable. I know the escape routes, the back-up plans, and the extent of my support. I'm able to wrap my mind around it, and my friends and family readily approve. The side ahead of me is uncharted territory. It's risky and requires walking by faith. I don't have answers for the people I love, and I know it will cost me.

So I started going through some of my past journals, begging God to personally remind me of His faithfulness. (2 Timothy 2:13 assures me He is ever-faithful so I knew this wasn't an irrational request). I re-walked through a lot of minor miracles, and then stumbled upon something that shook me by the shoulders. In May, I had really felt as though the words of Isaiah 45:5 were meaningful for the coming summer (the one that's now behind me). I had no idea just how much I was saying when I wrote those words...
The verse reads: "I am the Lord; There is no other God. I have equipped you for battle..." and initially these words were intended for Cyrus in the Old Testament - but my eyes absorbed them freshly.

I couldn't help but literally shout thanks to my Father for the way He has completely gone before me in every circumstance of my life. Not only that; but I was humbly reminded of the fact that the only reason I made it through each "battle" was because He'd intentionally and specifically equipped me.

My current 'fight' is no different. I sighed and smiled today as I shared, with a best friend of mine, the battleground of my soul; (an intense metaphorical picture I do realize, but stay with me). During a chapter when I should be grabbing for control, frazzling my hair in confusion, tossing my face into my hands in defeat, or pounding the pavement in fear - I am still. And Proverbs 27:17 was so confirmed for me today when my friend looked at me and reminded me that the Word says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34. My current state is no surprise to the Creator of the cosmos.

I continued to read in my journal through the months leading from May until now; taking special notice to passages of scripture that I had recurrently written this summer: "...He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:28, "Patient endurance is what you need now..." Hebrews 10:36,1 Peter 5:7, "Don't worry about anything..." Philippians 4:6-7...

Talk about ammo for battle! It's as if God handed me a bazooka to blow fear in the face, and each verse made up another bullet. No doubt that God's weapon of choice is His Word, confirmed in Ephesians 6. I felt the theme establishing recently but couldn't have communicated the source of my confidence until I felt things beginning to stir into motion. Recurrently this summer I best described my state of being as 'I feel like life is happening to me instead of because of me'. < Hello preparation.

So the least I can do in return is stand. I stand in truth against fear, lies, and all evil as best as I know how. I feel more emotions than joy, but I'm equipped. I have yet to see but a portion of what I'm up against, but I know my God is bigger. My current life-theme-song (go ahead and laugh) makes for a nice conclusion actually: I'm Not Going Down, Jason Gray (This link brings you to a pretty poorly recorded version).

"He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord's hand is powerful, and so that you might fear the Lord your God forever" Joshua 4:24

The Diagnosis

I'm kind of a metaphor-o-holic; I just love them. I especially like using the medical model. So bear with me as I share from that sort of perspective.

I read recently of a woman who had cancer in her intestines. From the looks of things it didn't seem terminal and, (with the amazing technology we have at our disposal), removable. So a procedure was done in which four small incisions are made through which medical tools are inserted to more-or-less suck out the cancer. (It all seems like a video game of sorts to me). After the surgery, she recovered and appeared to be cancer-free. However only months later she was informed that it had "come back" more viciously than before. A second procedure was done in which surgeons pried her wide open on the operating table and hand-cut every piece of cancer, or pre-cancerous, material out. Now this is a gory picture; I know if I were in that operating room I'd be at least a little pale and nauseous (and that's if I were conscious)! I share it though because that's what the Great Physician has had to do with my heart.

I have a crippling, destructive, and aggressive disease: Fear. This is a condition whose very nature is anything but benign. It breeds lies, anger, confusion, frustration, selfishness, hurt, complacency, sadness, and even feigned apathy. Symptoms include swelling of pride, rapid heart-beat and restlessness, scattered thinking, unnecessary controlling tendencies, unusual pressure (as if carrying the world) on shoulder(s), and reoccurring thoughts of escaping, avoiding, and/or hiding, among others. It's most affected victims usually suffer from stagnancy; as it ranges from worry to panic to dread (to everything in between) to full-blown-crippling fear.

Once diagnosed, it's best to address the issue immediately. After all, the Great Physician doesn't ask us to ignore fear; instead to cast it on Him*. But, if not properly taken care of, it will return... most likely bigger and badder than ever before. You see, I'd opted with the less invasive procedure for my fear. And honestly, it worked for a time. Or perhaps I was able to ignore the initial returning symptoms. Whatever the matter, I was faced with a similar diagnosis recently but this time I knew it was time to address more than just the symptoms. Though more invasive, intrusive, and risky... my case called for all-out open heart surgery.

It's been a sort of on-going procedure this semester. Admittedly at times I get disgusted and even nauseous upon seeing some of the junk coming out of there. And truthfully, it's painful. I am continually tempted to numb myself with media, busyness, or other excuses. But I can't help but be reminded that these anesthetics are merely temporary and fleeting. Instead, in the midst of my squirming, I can't ignore the voice steadily saying "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."**

I'm vulnerable and fragile, but hopeful and confident. I relate to the Corinthians when it was written "In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." (Emphasis added)***. Like the psalmist David, I beg the Creator to "create in me a clean heart"#. I confidently walk toward the day of living in Freedom; a complete trust in, and obedience to, the Father. I've wasted so much time needing people instead of loving them and it's about time that changes. I've spent so much time planning instead of listening, and scurrying instead of seeking. Hello to the chapter of renovation, transformation and getting well, that I've been praying for. You've arrived sooner than I expected, but right on time.


*1 Peter 5:7
**Isaiah 41:10
***2 Corinthians 1:9
#Psalm 51:10