Good Morning Vietnam?

The past couple of weeks, as I saw summer's end crawling towards me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous. My stomach churned as I thought of packing my things once again, and uprooting what feels like the veins to my heart. As background, I was blessed to participate in a Beth Moore study ("Believing God") this summer with women at Valleybrook church. The one night that particularly grabbed me was one in which Beth spoke about Joshua chapter 4; an account of when the Israelites walked through the Jordan River on dry ground, and set up twelve stones of remembrance. She was describing the fact that it's "in the middle of the river" that doubt and anxiety swell inside of us.

Honestly I was a little ashamed to admit that I've given Captain Doubt and Queen Anxiety giant foot-holds in my mind and heart. I was and am in the middle of a river. The side I came from is familiar, "safe", and fairly predictable. I know the escape routes, the back-up plans, and the extent of my support. I'm able to wrap my mind around it, and my friends and family readily approve. The side ahead of me is uncharted territory. It's risky and requires walking by faith. I don't have answers for the people I love, and I know it will cost me.

So I started going through some of my past journals, begging God to personally remind me of His faithfulness. (2 Timothy 2:13 assures me He is ever-faithful so I knew this wasn't an irrational request). I re-walked through a lot of minor miracles, and then stumbled upon something that shook me by the shoulders. In May, I had really felt as though the words of Isaiah 45:5 were meaningful for the coming summer (the one that's now behind me). I had no idea just how much I was saying when I wrote those words...
The verse reads: "I am the Lord; There is no other God. I have equipped you for battle..." and initially these words were intended for Cyrus in the Old Testament - but my eyes absorbed them freshly.

I couldn't help but literally shout thanks to my Father for the way He has completely gone before me in every circumstance of my life. Not only that; but I was humbly reminded of the fact that the only reason I made it through each "battle" was because He'd intentionally and specifically equipped me.

My current 'fight' is no different. I sighed and smiled today as I shared, with a best friend of mine, the battleground of my soul; (an intense metaphorical picture I do realize, but stay with me). During a chapter when I should be grabbing for control, frazzling my hair in confusion, tossing my face into my hands in defeat, or pounding the pavement in fear - I am still. And Proverbs 27:17 was so confirmed for me today when my friend looked at me and reminded me that the Word says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34. My current state is no surprise to the Creator of the cosmos.

I continued to read in my journal through the months leading from May until now; taking special notice to passages of scripture that I had recurrently written this summer: "...He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:28, "Patient endurance is what you need now..." Hebrews 10:36,1 Peter 5:7, "Don't worry about anything..." Philippians 4:6-7...

Talk about ammo for battle! It's as if God handed me a bazooka to blow fear in the face, and each verse made up another bullet. No doubt that God's weapon of choice is His Word, confirmed in Ephesians 6. I felt the theme establishing recently but couldn't have communicated the source of my confidence until I felt things beginning to stir into motion. Recurrently this summer I best described my state of being as 'I feel like life is happening to me instead of because of me'. < Hello preparation.

So the least I can do in return is stand. I stand in truth against fear, lies, and all evil as best as I know how. I feel more emotions than joy, but I'm equipped. I have yet to see but a portion of what I'm up against, but I know my God is bigger. My current life-theme-song (go ahead and laugh) makes for a nice conclusion actually: I'm Not Going Down, Jason Gray (This link brings you to a pretty poorly recorded version).

"He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord's hand is powerful, and so that you might fear the Lord your God forever" Joshua 4:24

Windows, Waiting, and Worship

I shouldn't do homework near windows.
So I was reading by a window overlooking a corner in Chicago, (well kind of I was reading - but mostly I was staring out the window). I was most captivated by the pedestrian cross lights. At first it was simply entertaining to count the number of times the orange hand flashed before it held solid; and it became a game for me to count-down in my mind when it would turn to a walk sign again. Then I couldn't help but be a sort of mesmerized watching the pedestrians themselves; all of them with a place to go, seemingly something to do. What was most interesting is that regardless of age, race, assumed occupation, etc, nobody was interested in waiting. If the friendly walk light changed to a flashing hand, an urgency seemed to sweep over the intersection as people went from walking to jogging to make it across the crosswalk avoiding a wait. It was a rather humorous scene to watch from a window, but I couldn't laugh in a mocking manner because I so readily identified with that behavior.

The tendency of human nature is to be impatient.
I used to pride myself in claiming I was patient. In my mind I deserved a gold star for being the last to get a plate of food without complaint, passing out presents before opening mine, standing in a long retail line with joy, or waiting for a child to cooperate. I glorified myself in successfully holding out in things that ultimately didn't matter. But watching these people scurry across the street, racing the blinking orange hand, got the wheels turning in my mind...

I don't like to wait.
The reality is, when it comes to the real stuff (i.e. God's blessing) I've been so impatient. Quite frankly, waiting is uncomfortable; it's heavy, and confusing. Especially when you feel like nobody else has to wait. Instead of waiting, we resort to reaching out and beyond God's Will... idol worship. When it feels like He's taking too long, we have the choice to reach to finish the job or find relief; OR simply sit in the weight of waiting*. Sometimes God even sends us nice orange flashing lights, that we might just wait (in the confident hope that Romans 12 talks about). Yet in our free will, we still get to choose. What we sometimes don't realize is the foolishness of it all. We'd usually rather risk getting hit by a moving vehicle than wait the extra 45 seconds to cross the street. The same is true with God's timing in my life. There are times that I can see His promise, but instead of waiting on Him, I (against all warning signs) run and reach. What I failed to realize until now is the destruciveness of it all.

It can't be idol worship...
I never used to like the idea of even talking about idol worship. I don't have any obscure statues in my closets or shrines under my bed. As far as I was concerned, I worshipped God and God alone. Ironically, (or not), what I'm learning this week is that I have some repenting to do, because I'm guilty of idol worship. I've held on to back-up plans and tried to find my security in worthless things of the world. Especially when it comes to finances, I've ran around frantically like God isn't big enough to take care of me. Instead of learning to wait on the Lord, I began to resort to worshipping "mammon", the god of money. I asked money to be more than it is, I began to give it authority over my life. When that wasn't working for me, I tried worshipping "sophia", the god of human wisdom. I thought maybe if I could just know enough things, then I'd feel better. The truth is, idols leave you feeling unsatisfied, insecure, unsure, divided, and confused. Idols don't mind sharing us with other idols as long as we're distracted from the truth. The truth is that they only produce an unhealthy fear in our hearts. Therein lies the reason that waiting is so gosh darn uncomfortable: we fear that God might be like every other idol we've worshipped. But His every word proves that He's not:
1) God will not share our hearts with the idols we worship. Exodus 34:14 says "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you" (NLT).
2) God satisfies, "You open your hand, you satisfy the desire of every living thing", Psalm 145:16 (ESV).
3) He is a God of security, "You need not to be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap", Proverbs 3:25-26 (NLT)
...I could go on and on of the truths that I've been learning this week.

You will look like the God you worship*.
(You become like the ones you spend time with). If I want to know peace, to know joy, to know love... that means I am to worship the One who created them. If I want to be refined, I have to change the way I choose to live. I have to destroy the alters, give up hiding, let go of cultural heroes, change the way I spend my free time, and feel the weight of waiting. In return I get Freedom. I am transformed to be more and more like Jesus. I am taken "from one degree of glory to another"**. I don't wake early in the morning because I don't like sleep; but rather because I have the privilege of entering into the presence of the King of Kings each and every day. I don't skip social events because I don't like people; but because I serve a jealous God that is worthy of my time, prayer, and praise. It's his transformation of my heart, his refining of my soul, that compels me to ache for the Kingdom. Just when I thought a school like this would open my eyes to see a world that needs God, my heart has actually been most softened to the fact that I need God.


*This idea is taken from Valleybrook Church's January 17th message
**2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV