I'm teaching two Pre-K classes this semester at a Chinese Christian school. I'm learning more than I could've ever imagined.
Enter Friday's Super Scientists Class.
Bruce is four; he has the curiosity and energy to prove it.
He likes to know what everyone is doing, all of the time. Instead of sitting with his own project or experiment, he's typically found wandering from one peer to another until he's accounted for the where-abouts and what-abouts of the 11 other students. He likes to help, so it's not all bad.
Today there were three rotating stations. Bruce was very engaged in the first, but insisted on skipping the second - because the third looked more exciting. He didn't understand that the sequence was necessary to the learning process. He wouldn't be convinced that the rules were set up for his good. If only he would trust me and wait, something more and better than he was even imagining would come.
Kicking, flailing, and grunting I carried him to his seat. I tried to softly convince him of my reasoning. When that didn't work, I bribed him a little. And when that didn't phase him, I resorted to all out begging! It was as if he didn't hear me. Or perhaps it was that he was sure his way was best, and therefore deemed my input as untrustworthy and unnecessary.
The only time he would stay in his seat was if I were holding his hand, literally. He wasn't calm by any means, but he remained on the chair if he felt my hand and heard my voice. But having eleven other 'eager beavers' just doesn't allow for this sort of one-on-one attention consistently.
It was quite the scene. It resulted in spilt water and a mess of pepper. His experiment didn't work properly because his persistence to 'do it his way' proportioned the materials incorrectly. The sequence of unfortunate events continued as his clear disappointment turned into jealousy and frustration. Why didn't his experiment work? Did I (the teacher) mess his up on purpose!? And how did his shirt get wet and his table space full of black specs? At the end of the day all of the other kids had something to take home from the second station, but not Bruce.
Even in my frustration I empathized with my four year old friend.
I had to come to accept the fact that I have been in a similar mind-set, it just isn't as cute or excusable on me.
I'm found looking around and ahead as if I could wish my way into something else. I haven't lost joy or excitement in watching others be blessed, but I have been prone to jealousy - more than usual.
It's not that this "station" is bad or unpleasant; I just felt much more engaged in the last, and the next one looks a little more appealing from where I sit. I understand the concept of the 'big picture' and that this season of preparation is absolutely necessary; yet I'm found anxious in heart, mind, and body.
My selfishness wants to reach for control, wants to make a change just for the sake of change. Instead of listening, I'm frequently found trying to convince or bargain my way out of present circumstances.
Not-so-ironically, like Bruce, there are times I sit stupidly still as I feel the hand of the Teacher. I have moments where I am silently taken back by His attention, yet I am then quick to get distracted or squirm again.
Also like this four year old, I make a mess of things. I'm left frustrated and hurt by my own choosing; yet wanting to blame anything and anyone else.
It took me some time to see, and even more to admit. Now it's time for change. It's time I reconcile my attitude with the will of my Father. My heart is being refined, and I don't want to miss one beat. Again Philippians 2:13 is personified to and in me. It's time I look up instead of all around me, and time I kneel instead of run. I trust because my every need is met. I'm thirsty for wisdom and understanding. I feel the weight of the truths in Ecclesiastes;, learning to enjoy what I have and removing grief & anger from my heart, and pain from my body. I'm beginning to ache to live in light of Ephesians 5; imitating the Creator unconditionally and walking in His will.
I write today because my heart and mind are full. I write because I know my inconsistency needs an accountability restraint. and I write today in case you need to borrow my experience to let God speak to your heart.
Showing posts with label Patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Patience. Show all posts
February 3, 2011
February 27, 2010
Windows, Waiting, and Worship
I shouldn't do homework near windows.
So I was reading by a window overlooking a corner in Chicago, (well kind of I was reading - but mostly I was staring out the window). I was most captivated by the pedestrian cross lights. At first it was simply entertaining to count the number of times the orange hand flashed before it held solid; and it became a game for me to count-down in my mind when it would turn to a walk sign again. Then I couldn't help but be a sort of mesmerized watching the pedestrians themselves; all of them with a place to go, seemingly something to do. What was most interesting is that regardless of age, race, assumed occupation, etc, nobody was interested in waiting. If the friendly walk light changed to a flashing hand, an urgency seemed to sweep over the intersection as people went from walking to jogging to make it across the crosswalk avoiding a wait. It was a rather humorous scene to watch from a window, but I couldn't laugh in a mocking manner because I so readily identified with that behavior.
The tendency of human nature is to be impatient.
I used to pride myself in claiming I was patient. In my mind I deserved a gold star for being the last to get a plate of food without complaint, passing out presents before opening mine, standing in a long retail line with joy, or waiting for a child to cooperate. I glorified myself in successfully holding out in things that ultimately didn't matter. But watching these people scurry across the street, racing the blinking orange hand, got the wheels turning in my mind...
I don't like to wait.
The reality is, when it comes to the real stuff (i.e. God's blessing) I've been so impatient. Quite frankly, waiting is uncomfortable; it's heavy, and confusing. Especially when you feel like nobody else has to wait. Instead of waiting, we resort to reaching out and beyond God's Will... idol worship. When it feels like He's taking too long, we have the choice to reach to finish the job or find relief; OR simply sit in the weight of waiting*. Sometimes God even sends us nice orange flashing lights, that we might just wait (in the confident hope that Romans 12 talks about). Yet in our free will, we still get to choose. What we sometimes don't realize is the foolishness of it all. We'd usually rather risk getting hit by a moving vehicle than wait the extra 45 seconds to cross the street. The same is true with God's timing in my life. There are times that I can see His promise, but instead of waiting on Him, I (against all warning signs) run and reach. What I failed to realize until now is the destruciveness of it all.
It can't be idol worship...
I never used to like the idea of even talking about idol worship. I don't have any obscure statues in my closets or shrines under my bed. As far as I was concerned, I worshipped God and God alone. Ironically, (or not), what I'm learning this week is that I have some repenting to do, because I'm guilty of idol worship. I've held on to back-up plans and tried to find my security in worthless things of the world. Especially when it comes to finances, I've ran around frantically like God isn't big enough to take care of me. Instead of learning to wait on the Lord, I began to resort to worshipping "mammon", the god of money. I asked money to be more than it is, I began to give it authority over my life. When that wasn't working for me, I tried worshipping "sophia", the god of human wisdom. I thought maybe if I could just know enough things, then I'd feel better. The truth is, idols leave you feeling unsatisfied, insecure, unsure, divided, and confused. Idols don't mind sharing us with other idols as long as we're distracted from the truth. The truth is that they only produce an unhealthy fear in our hearts. Therein lies the reason that waiting is so gosh darn uncomfortable: we fear that God might be like every other idol we've worshipped. But His every word proves that He's not:
1) God will not share our hearts with the idols we worship. Exodus 34:14 says "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you" (NLT).
2) God satisfies, "You open your hand, you satisfy the desire of every living thing", Psalm 145:16 (ESV).
3) He is a God of security, "You need not to be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap", Proverbs 3:25-26 (NLT)
...I could go on and on of the truths that I've been learning this week.
You will look like the God you worship*.
(You become like the ones you spend time with). If I want to know peace, to know joy, to know love... that means I am to worship the One who created them. If I want to be refined, I have to change the way I choose to live. I have to destroy the alters, give up hiding, let go of cultural heroes, change the way I spend my free time, and feel the weight of waiting. In return I get Freedom. I am transformed to be more and more like Jesus. I am taken "from one degree of glory to another"**. I don't wake early in the morning because I don't like sleep; but rather because I have the privilege of entering into the presence of the King of Kings each and every day. I don't skip social events because I don't like people; but because I serve a jealous God that is worthy of my time, prayer, and praise. It's his transformation of my heart, his refining of my soul, that compels me to ache for the Kingdom. Just when I thought a school like this would open my eyes to see a world that needs God, my heart has actually been most softened to the fact that I need God.
*This idea is taken from Valleybrook Church's January 17th message
**2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV
So I was reading by a window overlooking a corner in Chicago, (well kind of I was reading - but mostly I was staring out the window). I was most captivated by the pedestrian cross lights. At first it was simply entertaining to count the number of times the orange hand flashed before it held solid; and it became a game for me to count-down in my mind when it would turn to a walk sign again. Then I couldn't help but be a sort of mesmerized watching the pedestrians themselves; all of them with a place to go, seemingly something to do. What was most interesting is that regardless of age, race, assumed occupation, etc, nobody was interested in waiting. If the friendly walk light changed to a flashing hand, an urgency seemed to sweep over the intersection as people went from walking to jogging to make it across the crosswalk avoiding a wait. It was a rather humorous scene to watch from a window, but I couldn't laugh in a mocking manner because I so readily identified with that behavior.
The tendency of human nature is to be impatient.
I used to pride myself in claiming I was patient. In my mind I deserved a gold star for being the last to get a plate of food without complaint, passing out presents before opening mine, standing in a long retail line with joy, or waiting for a child to cooperate. I glorified myself in successfully holding out in things that ultimately didn't matter. But watching these people scurry across the street, racing the blinking orange hand, got the wheels turning in my mind...
I don't like to wait.
The reality is, when it comes to the real stuff (i.e. God's blessing) I've been so impatient. Quite frankly, waiting is uncomfortable; it's heavy, and confusing. Especially when you feel like nobody else has to wait. Instead of waiting, we resort to reaching out and beyond God's Will... idol worship. When it feels like He's taking too long, we have the choice to reach to finish the job or find relief; OR simply sit in the weight of waiting*. Sometimes God even sends us nice orange flashing lights, that we might just wait (in the confident hope that Romans 12 talks about). Yet in our free will, we still get to choose. What we sometimes don't realize is the foolishness of it all. We'd usually rather risk getting hit by a moving vehicle than wait the extra 45 seconds to cross the street. The same is true with God's timing in my life. There are times that I can see His promise, but instead of waiting on Him, I (against all warning signs) run and reach. What I failed to realize until now is the destruciveness of it all.
It can't be idol worship...
I never used to like the idea of even talking about idol worship. I don't have any obscure statues in my closets or shrines under my bed. As far as I was concerned, I worshipped God and God alone. Ironically, (or not), what I'm learning this week is that I have some repenting to do, because I'm guilty of idol worship. I've held on to back-up plans and tried to find my security in worthless things of the world. Especially when it comes to finances, I've ran around frantically like God isn't big enough to take care of me. Instead of learning to wait on the Lord, I began to resort to worshipping "mammon", the god of money. I asked money to be more than it is, I began to give it authority over my life. When that wasn't working for me, I tried worshipping "sophia", the god of human wisdom. I thought maybe if I could just know enough things, then I'd feel better. The truth is, idols leave you feeling unsatisfied, insecure, unsure, divided, and confused. Idols don't mind sharing us with other idols as long as we're distracted from the truth. The truth is that they only produce an unhealthy fear in our hearts. Therein lies the reason that waiting is so gosh darn uncomfortable: we fear that God might be like every other idol we've worshipped. But His every word proves that He's not:
1) God will not share our hearts with the idols we worship. Exodus 34:14 says "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you" (NLT).
2) God satisfies, "You open your hand, you satisfy the desire of every living thing", Psalm 145:16 (ESV).
3) He is a God of security, "You need not to be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap", Proverbs 3:25-26 (NLT)
...I could go on and on of the truths that I've been learning this week.
You will look like the God you worship*.
(You become like the ones you spend time with). If I want to know peace, to know joy, to know love... that means I am to worship the One who created them. If I want to be refined, I have to change the way I choose to live. I have to destroy the alters, give up hiding, let go of cultural heroes, change the way I spend my free time, and feel the weight of waiting. In return I get Freedom. I am transformed to be more and more like Jesus. I am taken "from one degree of glory to another"**. I don't wake early in the morning because I don't like sleep; but rather because I have the privilege of entering into the presence of the King of Kings each and every day. I don't skip social events because I don't like people; but because I serve a jealous God that is worthy of my time, prayer, and praise. It's his transformation of my heart, his refining of my soul, that compels me to ache for the Kingdom. Just when I thought a school like this would open my eyes to see a world that needs God, my heart has actually been most softened to the fact that I need God.
*This idea is taken from Valleybrook Church's January 17th message
**2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV
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