Good Morning Vietnam?

The past couple of weeks, as I saw summer's end crawling towards me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous. My stomach churned as I thought of packing my things once again, and uprooting what feels like the veins to my heart. As background, I was blessed to participate in a Beth Moore study ("Believing God") this summer with women at Valleybrook church. The one night that particularly grabbed me was one in which Beth spoke about Joshua chapter 4; an account of when the Israelites walked through the Jordan River on dry ground, and set up twelve stones of remembrance. She was describing the fact that it's "in the middle of the river" that doubt and anxiety swell inside of us.

Honestly I was a little ashamed to admit that I've given Captain Doubt and Queen Anxiety giant foot-holds in my mind and heart. I was and am in the middle of a river. The side I came from is familiar, "safe", and fairly predictable. I know the escape routes, the back-up plans, and the extent of my support. I'm able to wrap my mind around it, and my friends and family readily approve. The side ahead of me is uncharted territory. It's risky and requires walking by faith. I don't have answers for the people I love, and I know it will cost me.

So I started going through some of my past journals, begging God to personally remind me of His faithfulness. (2 Timothy 2:13 assures me He is ever-faithful so I knew this wasn't an irrational request). I re-walked through a lot of minor miracles, and then stumbled upon something that shook me by the shoulders. In May, I had really felt as though the words of Isaiah 45:5 were meaningful for the coming summer (the one that's now behind me). I had no idea just how much I was saying when I wrote those words...
The verse reads: "I am the Lord; There is no other God. I have equipped you for battle..." and initially these words were intended for Cyrus in the Old Testament - but my eyes absorbed them freshly.

I couldn't help but literally shout thanks to my Father for the way He has completely gone before me in every circumstance of my life. Not only that; but I was humbly reminded of the fact that the only reason I made it through each "battle" was because He'd intentionally and specifically equipped me.

My current 'fight' is no different. I sighed and smiled today as I shared, with a best friend of mine, the battleground of my soul; (an intense metaphorical picture I do realize, but stay with me). During a chapter when I should be grabbing for control, frazzling my hair in confusion, tossing my face into my hands in defeat, or pounding the pavement in fear - I am still. And Proverbs 27:17 was so confirmed for me today when my friend looked at me and reminded me that the Word says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34. My current state is no surprise to the Creator of the cosmos.

I continued to read in my journal through the months leading from May until now; taking special notice to passages of scripture that I had recurrently written this summer: "...He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:28, "Patient endurance is what you need now..." Hebrews 10:36,1 Peter 5:7, "Don't worry about anything..." Philippians 4:6-7...

Talk about ammo for battle! It's as if God handed me a bazooka to blow fear in the face, and each verse made up another bullet. No doubt that God's weapon of choice is His Word, confirmed in Ephesians 6. I felt the theme establishing recently but couldn't have communicated the source of my confidence until I felt things beginning to stir into motion. Recurrently this summer I best described my state of being as 'I feel like life is happening to me instead of because of me'. < Hello preparation.

So the least I can do in return is stand. I stand in truth against fear, lies, and all evil as best as I know how. I feel more emotions than joy, but I'm equipped. I have yet to see but a portion of what I'm up against, but I know my God is bigger. My current life-theme-song (go ahead and laugh) makes for a nice conclusion actually: I'm Not Going Down, Jason Gray (This link brings you to a pretty poorly recorded version).

"He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord's hand is powerful, and so that you might fear the Lord your God forever" Joshua 4:24

Things That Slither

What you should know as background information to the things I'm about to share: I have a small (okay, admittedly kind of large-ish) fear of snakes.

That being said... We have a pond in our yard that is lined with stones. They're not overly humongous, but they're large enough to be a heavy hassle. Recently, we were putting our pond back together for the summer and my job was to pick the stones up from the above outer edge and toss them down to my dad in the bottom of the pond. (A seemingly simple and mindless job) UNTIL I pick one up and a black snake slithers out from underneath it. (AH!) So, just as you can probably predict of any sissy-girl, I squealed and eeked and shrieked and skittered a few feet away, all the while screeching "snake, there was a snake, I swear, a snake!"





Fortunately, my dad was very understanding and he approached the rock pile to asses and take care of the situation for me. Needless to say, he picked up a rock and there was the snake (still as slithery and sick as ever). All the while my dad is saying "just come look at the little guy - check this out"; and finally picking it up and getting it out of there.

What's interesting is that God really used this situation to show me what it is that He wants to do in me this summer, only His plans have to do with my heart.

"I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’
“But you have cultivated wickedness and harvested a thriving crop of sins. You have eaten the fruit of lies..." -Hosea 10:12-13

Though the timing isn't what I would chose necessarily, I'm definitely being led to throw off the stony parts of my heart - the heavy, awkward, binding stones. Which is a little uncomfortable in itself; but beyond that, what I'm finding are dark slithery things hiding under them. Sins I thought I was through with, lies I didn't think I'd ever believe again, hurts I never dealt with, idols I could've sworn I'd torn down, and torment galore: aka SNAKES! I don't like them, and they're scary, and they make me want to run. Instead, I'm learning that I need nothing more than to whisper four letters "P-a-p-a". He's quick to respond and bounding with grace. He doesn't laugh at me, or shame me; but instead responds with "just come look at the little guy - check this out", before ridding my heart of it. God genuinely wants me to see my brokenness, my snakes (if you will), face on. So that I can claim and proclaim it to be exactly what it is - a sin, a lie, etc. He walks us through the middle of it all as He heals. Which if I'm being honest, it's teaching me that I have (unintentionally) ran from a lot of healing already.

This time is different though. This time I'm not running. I may jump or startle as the snakes surprise me from under the stones, but I'm equipped for battle. This time I'm ready to stand, fight, and ask for help. I'm learning to confidently enter the dark, cold places in my heart. Because I know that no matter what slithery things I find- they don't stand a chance. Exposed in the Light, they shrivel, whither, and flee. What's more, is that their absence makes room for joy, peace, love, patience (and fruits of all kinds) to flood in.

I won't settle for less.

"I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me.” - Hosea 14:8

and...I think all-the-while, I'll cling to that ^.