The past couple of weeks, as I saw summer's end crawling towards me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous. My stomach churned as I thought of packing my things once again, and uprooting what feels like the veins to my heart. As background, I was blessed to participate in a Beth Moore study ("Believing God") this summer with women at Valleybrook church. The one night that particularly grabbed me was one in which Beth spoke about Joshua chapter 4; an account of when the Israelites walked through the Jordan River on dry ground, and set up twelve stones of remembrance. She was describing the fact that it's "in the middle of the river" that doubt and anxiety swell inside of us.
Honestly I was a little ashamed to admit that I've given Captain Doubt and Queen Anxiety giant foot-holds in my mind and heart. I was and am in the middle of a river. The side I came from is familiar, "safe", and fairly predictable. I know the escape routes, the back-up plans, and the extent of my support. I'm able to wrap my mind around it, and my friends and family readily approve. The side ahead of me is uncharted territory. It's risky and requires walking by faith. I don't have answers for the people I love, and I know it will cost me.
So I started going through some of my past journals, begging God to personally remind me of His faithfulness. (2 Timothy 2:13 assures me He is ever-faithful so I knew this wasn't an irrational request). I re-walked through a lot of minor miracles, and then stumbled upon something that shook me by the shoulders. In May, I had really felt as though the words of Isaiah 45:5 were meaningful for the coming summer (the one that's now behind me). I had no idea just how much I was saying when I wrote those words...
The verse reads: "I am the Lord; There is no other God. I have equipped you for battle..." and initially these words were intended for Cyrus in the Old Testament - but my eyes absorbed them freshly.
I couldn't help but literally shout thanks to my Father for the way He has completely gone before me in every circumstance of my life. Not only that; but I was humbly reminded of the fact that the only reason I made it through each "battle" was because He'd intentionally and specifically equipped me.
My current 'fight' is no different. I sighed and smiled today as I shared, with a best friend of mine, the battleground of my soul; (an intense metaphorical picture I do realize, but stay with me). During a chapter when I should be grabbing for control, frazzling my hair in confusion, tossing my face into my hands in defeat, or pounding the pavement in fear - I am still. And Proverbs 27:17 was so confirmed for me today when my friend looked at me and reminded me that the Word says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34. My current state is no surprise to the Creator of the cosmos.
I continued to read in my journal through the months leading from May until now; taking special notice to passages of scripture that I had recurrently written this summer: "...He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:28, "Patient endurance is what you need now..." Hebrews 10:36,1 Peter 5:7, "Don't worry about anything..." Philippians 4:6-7...
Talk about ammo for battle! It's as if God handed me a bazooka to blow fear in the face, and each verse made up another bullet. No doubt that God's weapon of choice is His Word, confirmed in Ephesians 6. I felt the theme establishing recently but couldn't have communicated the source of my confidence until I felt things beginning to stir into motion. Recurrently this summer I best described my state of being as 'I feel like life is happening to me instead of because of me'. < Hello preparation.
So the least I can do in return is stand. I stand in truth against fear, lies, and all evil as best as I know how. I feel more emotions than joy, but I'm equipped. I have yet to see but a portion of what I'm up against, but I know my God is bigger. My current life-theme-song (go ahead and laugh) makes for a nice conclusion actually: I'm Not Going Down, Jason Gray (This link brings you to a pretty poorly recorded version).
"He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord's hand is powerful, and so that you might fear the Lord your God forever" Joshua 4:24
No comments:
Post a Comment