Windows, Waiting, and Worship

I shouldn't do homework near windows.
So I was reading by a window overlooking a corner in Chicago, (well kind of I was reading - but mostly I was staring out the window). I was most captivated by the pedestrian cross lights. At first it was simply entertaining to count the number of times the orange hand flashed before it held solid; and it became a game for me to count-down in my mind when it would turn to a walk sign again. Then I couldn't help but be a sort of mesmerized watching the pedestrians themselves; all of them with a place to go, seemingly something to do. What was most interesting is that regardless of age, race, assumed occupation, etc, nobody was interested in waiting. If the friendly walk light changed to a flashing hand, an urgency seemed to sweep over the intersection as people went from walking to jogging to make it across the crosswalk avoiding a wait. It was a rather humorous scene to watch from a window, but I couldn't laugh in a mocking manner because I so readily identified with that behavior.

The tendency of human nature is to be impatient.
I used to pride myself in claiming I was patient. In my mind I deserved a gold star for being the last to get a plate of food without complaint, passing out presents before opening mine, standing in a long retail line with joy, or waiting for a child to cooperate. I glorified myself in successfully holding out in things that ultimately didn't matter. But watching these people scurry across the street, racing the blinking orange hand, got the wheels turning in my mind...

I don't like to wait.
The reality is, when it comes to the real stuff (i.e. God's blessing) I've been so impatient. Quite frankly, waiting is uncomfortable; it's heavy, and confusing. Especially when you feel like nobody else has to wait. Instead of waiting, we resort to reaching out and beyond God's Will... idol worship. When it feels like He's taking too long, we have the choice to reach to finish the job or find relief; OR simply sit in the weight of waiting*. Sometimes God even sends us nice orange flashing lights, that we might just wait (in the confident hope that Romans 12 talks about). Yet in our free will, we still get to choose. What we sometimes don't realize is the foolishness of it all. We'd usually rather risk getting hit by a moving vehicle than wait the extra 45 seconds to cross the street. The same is true with God's timing in my life. There are times that I can see His promise, but instead of waiting on Him, I (against all warning signs) run and reach. What I failed to realize until now is the destruciveness of it all.

It can't be idol worship...
I never used to like the idea of even talking about idol worship. I don't have any obscure statues in my closets or shrines under my bed. As far as I was concerned, I worshipped God and God alone. Ironically, (or not), what I'm learning this week is that I have some repenting to do, because I'm guilty of idol worship. I've held on to back-up plans and tried to find my security in worthless things of the world. Especially when it comes to finances, I've ran around frantically like God isn't big enough to take care of me. Instead of learning to wait on the Lord, I began to resort to worshipping "mammon", the god of money. I asked money to be more than it is, I began to give it authority over my life. When that wasn't working for me, I tried worshipping "sophia", the god of human wisdom. I thought maybe if I could just know enough things, then I'd feel better. The truth is, idols leave you feeling unsatisfied, insecure, unsure, divided, and confused. Idols don't mind sharing us with other idols as long as we're distracted from the truth. The truth is that they only produce an unhealthy fear in our hearts. Therein lies the reason that waiting is so gosh darn uncomfortable: we fear that God might be like every other idol we've worshipped. But His every word proves that He's not:
1) God will not share our hearts with the idols we worship. Exodus 34:14 says "You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you" (NLT).
2) God satisfies, "You open your hand, you satisfy the desire of every living thing", Psalm 145:16 (ESV).
3) He is a God of security, "You need not to be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap", Proverbs 3:25-26 (NLT)
...I could go on and on of the truths that I've been learning this week.

You will look like the God you worship*.
(You become like the ones you spend time with). If I want to know peace, to know joy, to know love... that means I am to worship the One who created them. If I want to be refined, I have to change the way I choose to live. I have to destroy the alters, give up hiding, let go of cultural heroes, change the way I spend my free time, and feel the weight of waiting. In return I get Freedom. I am transformed to be more and more like Jesus. I am taken "from one degree of glory to another"**. I don't wake early in the morning because I don't like sleep; but rather because I have the privilege of entering into the presence of the King of Kings each and every day. I don't skip social events because I don't like people; but because I serve a jealous God that is worthy of my time, prayer, and praise. It's his transformation of my heart, his refining of my soul, that compels me to ache for the Kingdom. Just when I thought a school like this would open my eyes to see a world that needs God, my heart has actually been most softened to the fact that I need God.


*This idea is taken from Valleybrook Church's January 17th message
**2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV

Girls (and boys) Just Wanna Have Fun!

Moody time is full of hang-out events.
I should first define some vocabulary that I'm about to use... A "sister" refers to anyone that lives on Houghton's (my dorm hall's) 4th floor, specifically on the North Side. A "brother" refers to anyone who lives on Culby's (the male's dorm) 4th floor. Anyway, random community building events happen multiple times throughout the week, and it's awesome. We study together, eat meals together, get off campus together, etc, etc. I thought I'd post some pictures from two of our "bro/sis" events!

Our brothers put on a Valentines Day dinner for us!
Jared was here for that weekend, so he got to participate. The guys really acted like gentlemen and made a delicious meal for us =).









The sisters hosted a Formal Open House.
At Moody, guys and girls aren't allowed in each other's dorm halls, except like 4 times a year. One of those times was last weekend when we planned a formal event for the guys to attend. Our theme was Red Carpet Movie Premier! We pretended as if the guys were all movie stars, and the girls played rolls like crazy fans, servers, reporters, paparazzi (my role), announcer, etc. We also made a film (in which we acted like the guys) to play for the premier. It was a really good time...

And in about 9 days...

I'll be back in Eau Claire for Spring Break! WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!

Being a Tourist of My New "Home"!

Jared flew down and spent the weekend here!
I was blessed to have had an awesome three days. Being in a longer-distance relationship can definitely be bitter sweet. This past weekend was refreshing, laughter-filled, and even a little tiring! We were quite the Chicago tourists. We went to an Improv show put on by Moody, gave the Rock N' Roll McDonalds some serious business, walked around downtown, ate at Yolk, visited Lincoln Park Zoo and Conservatory, went ice-skating at Millenium Park, visited the Chicago Art Institute, went to Willow Creek Church, walked to the "Beach", Jared played in an inter-mural (sp?) basketball game, participated in a formal dinner with the girls on my floor and the boys on our "brother" floor, and more!

I failed as a photographer.
I brought my camera to a lot of places, but didn't exactly do an excellent job of acutally taking any pictures! It's the memories that matter right? Haha, anyway, I thought I'd share some of the (very few) pictures that we did take... ENJOY:

This weekend should be really fun!

Tomorrow morning I'm cooking whole-wheat-banana pancakes for the girls on my floor =)! After some breakfast we'll be setting up for our "Open House Formal Event", (an open house with our "brother" floor). Which basically means that a lot of the guys from the 4th floor of their dorm will be coming here for a few hours and we're supposed to creatively and thematically entertain them. The event is pretty much going to be amazing, (it's a big surprise though, so I can't share what it is on the internet yet)!! I'll post pictures sometime afterward I'm sure. Hooray for weekends, and hooray for dorm-bonding is all I can say for now!

New Kid on the Block

I'm in a sea of new faces.

Being in a new environment, with endless new people, has been such an indescribable experience for me. I came here knowing not one soul (and have been thoroughly enjoying creating new friendships). What I'm realizing most of all however, is that it's surroundings like this that tell us who we really are. People here don't know me. Therefore, it becomes a matter of standing in who it is that God created me to be, not who people expect me to be. It's freeing and challenging all at the same time.

"In our desperate quest to gain the praise of others, we end up living our lives as inauthentic performers. The tragedy of self-centeredness is that our center is essentially hollow. We become who we think other people want us to be. We surrender the person known only in the dreams of God to become a persona shapes by the whims of others." -Erwin McManus

I do not want to be defined by performance. It would be easy to fill the empty, convenient, puzzle-piece personality that works well with my floor, or my classmates, or my roommate, or the volleyball team... but that's not me. God did not intend for our identities to be at the whim of friends or strangers. I was created in the image of God*, with intentional authenticity. When I'm at a loss of who I am in a certain area of life, I'm to go directly to my Creator - for it's He who knows my inner-most workings. It's when we look to our peers that it gets dangerous. We lose the immense creativity of God, and arguably separate ourselves from Him. We become carbon copies of each other; holding such destructive power. We affirm each other's lies, comfort each others disobedience and settle for simply fitting in, rather than standing up.

I want to live with authentically.

I once read somewhere that "authenticity without integrity is lethal". This is something I long to make true in all areas of my life. Mere authenticity is simply a good reason to be extremely arrogant. We excuse ourselves from selflessness (one of the most desired qualities of God). We justify doing and saying whatever we feel because "that's who we are"; yet we do it at the cost of the hearts of people we should be loving. It is only with integrity that we reflect the image of God. When we're aware of who we are and who we desire to become. Integrity is a matter of being aware of weaknesses, and still transparent. A person' of integrity doesn't pretend, because their heart is visible.

God intended us to be beings of integrity.

In fact all creation was made with integrity under Him; in strong relationship with itself and with the environment. "Integrity is born out of relationship with God and flows into our relationships with others. Integrity is the personification of truth."** That is what I long for. I want to be the personification of truth. I want to be the presence of Jesus. That is why I put everything I've got into studying at this school. That is why I get up early in the morning to read the Word and meet with the Lord. Honestly, that is the image we're created in and intended for: Jesus, the Living Truth. I feel as though for the first time I'm staring that idea in the face. I can choose Carbon-Copy or Authentic-Integrity, because there aren't expectations held of me anyway. And, also for the first time, I'm confident in knowing I will not settle for Carbon-Copy any longer. I'm not satisfied unless God's refining my heart, not settled unless He's molding my soul, and not restful unless His Kingdom is coming upon my life. I thought being the new kid would be scary because I didn't have any established friendships. Turns out, being the new kid only deepens my fear of God.

*Genesis 1:27

**Quote from Uprising by Erwin McManus

Ashley & MBI's Month-A-Versary

Today marks one month at Moody for me!
Though it feels like I've been here much longer, it must mean today calls for celebration? I have much to celebrate in the blessing that it has been to be here.

One thing to celebrate...
The AMAZING store, Stanley's, my friend Katie & I recently explored.



Ahhhhh!
If I was forced to marry a store (I realize this is unrealistic, but go with me here), I would choose this one. (Though the strange pipe-smoking-man-on-a-flying-watermelon is undeniably strange). Walking in, it was love at first sight. The entire store is lined with fresh fruits and vegetables of all colors, sizes, and kinds. It also has fresh-baked bread, fair-trade coffee, organic eggs, and other amazing things we took time to drool over. As if things couldn't get any better, the price is right too! Mangoes are about 90cents, strawberries or raspberries 98cents, oranges 7/dollar, a bag of carrots for 49cents... And I thought food was romanticized before I visited Stanley's!! It's definitely one of Chicago's treasures. Grandma Kriss, if you're reading this, I will take you there as many times as you want when you visit me :).

Go, Fight, Win, Indianapolis!
I plan to spend some time celebrating today by watching the Superbowl! Go Colts! Why the Colts? Because out of the two teams in the running this year, that's the only team of which I can name at least two players: Peyton Manning & Reggie Wayne.

More Chicago Adventures

1. For our RA's (resident assistant) (Kristen) birthday, our floor - 4North - surprised her at Grand Lux for desserts... yum!

Grand Lux Restaurant!

The delicious carrot cake I shared with Chelsea and Wendy.


Houghton 4 North!

2. Chicago holds a weekend called "Snow Days". There are snow-carving contests, snowboarding shows, dog-sledding, etc. A group of us went after dinner one night, just in time to see the snow-scultures!

Me, Christina, & Brittney

Tanner, Christina, Brittney, and I

3. I got the entire past week of classes off for a conference held here called Founders Week. The week was filled with speakers of all sorts, my favorite being Wess Stafford - president of Compassion; musical treats like Benjamin & Stephen Lynerd were included as well. It was quite the privelage to have them all at our school and to get a week off of routine. Who loves bible college? I love bible college! lol, :).

WWDMS?

Today's blog is more or less a posting of a link to another blog. None of these words are my own, but it's something I thought I'd share. You know, for those of you who wish you could take an afternoon nap but your body just won't let you fall asleep. Or for those of you who could be doing your homework, but have found yourself browsing the internet instead. Or even for those of you who've had a trying day and you just need something to get your mind off things. Wait... am I only speaking to myself? Okay, okay, either way - it's interesting stuff if you have a minute.

After reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I subscribed to Donald (the author) Miller's blog. I just came across an interesting post by him; (hence the blog title WWDMS?: What-Would-Donald-Miller-Say?), about "lasting love".

http://donmilleris.com/2010/02/01/the-key-to-lasting-love-may-surprise-you/

Americans Detained in Haiti

I love to read through and/or watch the news.
It's a newer fascination I have with what's going on in the world. I think it's rooted in the way people hold me captivated. God is my favorite artist; humans are such an incomparable part of creation. My major here at MBI is Urban Ministry paired with International Studies. I have never doubted the fact that I long to work with, help, and see people; vocationally and otherwise.


Yesterday I was browsing through news highlights with CNN and was pretty intrigued by this particular video:

HAITI PRIME MINISTER ON DETAINED AMERICANS
^Click link to veiw!

Are we helping or hurting?
I'm currently reading a book by Steve Corbett & Brian Fikkert titled When Helping Hurts. I'm not very far into it, but it talks a lot about the ways our 'good intentions' can lead us to potentially, (usually unintentionally), wound instead of make a positive difference. We get a great idea, gather the resources to make it happen, and plunge onward. I would argue that most of the time it's accompanied with a sense of pride that we get to take part in something 'good', 'right', or 'better'. The bottom line, hairy it may be, is that sometimes what we may consider helping is hurtful.

These are people we are talking about.
I am guilty of neglecting that. When we go to help, we're going to help PEOPLE; with stories, lives, histories, traditions, families, etc. It's so important to treat them accordingly. Whether we think they are "less" than we are or not, doesn't matter; those individuals are created in the image of the same Father that we are. Those people have worked hard, suffered trials, failed, and succeeded - just as we have. We don't have to agree with their way of doing things, but we should attempt to understand and respect it (and them).


We don't always know what's best.
Honestly, I think this is one of the trickiest limbos in ministry. What we might call a need, another sees as an unnecessary benefit. What we may find repulsive, might be the acceptable lifestyle for the entire history of a culture. Haiti has been such an eye-opening example of this for me. In times of crisis we have every intention of wanting to help. But sending a team of 35 people with bibles might not be exactly what they need right now. I won't disagree that everyone needs Jesus, I'm simply proposing that adding 35 bodies (in need of, already diminishing, resources) to the chaos - may not be to the best interest of any and every one involved. Sending medical aid, food supply, and rescue crew can be a different story; but sadly sometimes simply showing up and claiming "I'm here to help!" can be more harmful than anything.

We only see the surface.
There is so much more to people that what we're able to view from half way around the world, across the country, or even across the state. The root of the problem is often much deeper than we could ever know. The missionaries in this news clip, for example, see a group of children (assumingly orphans) and their compassion moves them. They respond with urgency to remove these babies from the country. However, now there is much confusion as to whether or not they were actually orphans, if they might've had parents, if the appropriate paperwork was filled out, where the kids were going to be taken, etc, etc, etc. The country may be in rough shape, but there are still rules, the people still deserve respect, and acting before we get to the root of the problem can be extremely hurtful.


What I'm realizing...
I can't say whether or not I would've acted in the same manner if I were in their position, seeing the kids in Haiti. My heart is wired responsively to these situations. I soften so easily to adoption, and children in chaos in general. BUT it reminds me to remember that I am part of the body of Christ. All of my actions can be questioned to anyone working for the Kingdom. I am held accountable for even the ways in which I try to help. I'm also reminded that in everything I do, I am to treat people as the children of God that they are. I hate the phrase "stepping down" to help someone. Financial circumstance shouldn't, and doesn't, determine a person's worth. In general, I am realizing that I have so much to learn.