Being in a new environment, with endless new people, has been such an indescribable experience for me. I came here knowing not one soul (and have been thoroughly enjoying creating new friendships). What I'm realizing most of all however, is that it's surroundings like this that tell us who we really are. People here don't know me. Therefore, it becomes a matter of standing in who it is that God created me to be, not who people expect me to be. It's freeing and challenging all at the same time.
"In our desperate quest to gain the praise of others, we end up living our lives as inauthentic performers. The tragedy of self-centeredness is that our center is essentially hollow. We become who we think other people want us to be. We surrender the person known only in the dreams of God to become a persona shapes by the whims of others." -Erwin McManus
I do not want to be defined by performance. It would be easy to fill the empty, convenient, puzzle-piece personality that works well with my floor, or my classmates, or my roommate, or the volleyball team... but that's not me. God did not intend for our identities to be at the whim of friends or strangers. I was created in the image of God*, with intentional authenticity. When I'm at a loss of who I am in a certain area of life, I'm to go directly to my Creator - for it's He who knows my inner-most workings. It's when we look to our peers that it gets dangerous. We lose the immense creativity of God, and arguably separate ourselves from Him. We become carbon copies of each other; holding such destructive power. We affirm each other's lies, comfort each others disobedience and settle for simply fitting in, rather than standing up.
I want to live with authentically.
I once read somewhere that "authenticity without integrity is lethal". This is something I long to make true in all areas of my life. Mere authenticity is simply a good reason to be extremely arrogant. We excuse ourselves from selflessness (one of the most desired qualities of God). We justify doing and saying whatever we feel because "that's who we are"; yet we do it at the cost of the hearts of people we should be loving. It is only with integrity that we reflect the image of God. When we're aware of who we are and who we desire to become. Integrity is a matter of being aware of weaknesses, and still transparent. A person' of integrity doesn't pretend, because their heart is visible.
God intended us to be beings of integrity.
In fact all creation was made with integrity under Him; in strong relationship with itself and with the environment. "Integrity is born out of relationship with God and flows into our relationships with others. Integrity is the personification of truth."** That is what I long for. I want to be the personification of truth. I want to be the presence of Jesus. That is why I put everything I've got into studying at this school. That is why I get up early in the morning to read the Word and meet with the Lord. Honestly, that is the image we're created in and intended for: Jesus, the Living Truth. I feel as though for the first time I'm staring that idea in the face. I can choose Carbon-Copy or Authentic-Integrity, because there aren't expectations held of me anyway. And, also for the first time, I'm confident in knowing I will not settle for Carbon-Copy any longer. I'm not satisfied unless God's refining my heart, not settled unless He's molding my soul, and not restful unless His Kingdom is coming upon my life. I thought being the new kid would be scary because I didn't have any established friendships. Turns out, being the new kid only deepens my fear of God.
*Genesis 1:27
**Quote from Uprising by Erwin McManus
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