editing.

I love to edit.

Earlier in the semester I had written about the fact that one of my favorite classes was likely to be Research Writing; I was correct. I have loved learning to write and re-write.

Editing has also been a big part of my internship this semester. I get to edit scholarship and application essays for city students. Friends have also taken me up on the offer as I refine, learn and love to be creative with words.

This week, however, I have been reminded of my undeniable humanity.

You see, the more experience I have in editing the more able I feel. Unintentionally I have taken it to parts of my life for which it wasn't intended. More than words on a page, I try to edit my story. The Author writes a perfect and complete sentence; but I'm just sure that I could do better, and out comes the red pen.

Darn you, red pen.

I was not created to be the editor or perfecter of my life. When I try to, a lot of red ink just gets everywhere and things look a little ridiculous... there's not enough white-out in the Midwest to cover my good intentions.

I edit out a circumstance here and insert a relationship there. I cross out an event or conversation here and insert something selfish there.

No wonder I just want to turn the page.

Instead, I'll put down the pen and hold my crayons again. My attention is re-captured. In stillness I'll seek in joy and humility. Already there's freedom in unforced and uncontrolled rhythm. Just one taste has unconvered my apparent hunger.




"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

RA, RA! SIS-BOOM-BAH!

I'm going to be the RA of 10W next year :).
Early Thursday morning I was startled out of my sleeping by a plethora of screaming and giggling girls with a flashlight. I made my way up to the tenth floor where I was dressed like a tea-bag and taught the "horah", a Jewish dance. I was initiated even in so far that I rapped a song they had written for me.

They were (and are) wonderful.
The girls, most of which have never met me, had coffee and pancakes ready upon my arrival. Nearly the entire floor was congregated in the lounge with smiling faces at 5 in the morning. They gave me a really sweet mug from Anthropologie! Bottom line: they're sweet and I'm very excited.



I'm very excited in general, actually.
I've been given so many opportunities this semester and crazy changes are happening in my heart, mind, and circumstances. I am very much learning what it's like to live in the truths of: "the brother of humble circumstances is to glory in his high position; and the rich man is to glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away" (James 1:9-10). I've lived uncomfortably on both sides of many conditions and I treasure the challenges that have grown and stretched me.

And, I'm painting bigger strokes than ever before...
The undeniable joys hidden in my heart are finding their way out as I take bigger leaps of obedience and make bigger messes as well. I've fallen hard, but learned to fly high too. Each day I do my best to live in the place where trust and graditude collide; and I'm finding that to be rather beautiful.

I Never Want to Grow Up

Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm reading a book, Elliot.

I want to read a book too, can I read with you?
Elliot climbs into his lap as he nods.

The plane is about to take off and Elliot takes his own seat.
What are you doing Daddy?

I'm looking out the window ...keep watching Bud, because we are going up into the sky!

Daddy, this window isn't glass. What is this window?

I think it's plexi-glass.

Confused he wonders whether this is cause for panic.
Why is the window "pexi"-glass and not just regular?

I actually have no clue, but I know it's supposed to be that way and it's going to be okay.

Elliot relaxes and squeaks in amazement as the plane ascends into the clouds. Once he is satisfied by the window situation, he interrupts the silence again with:
Daddy, what are you doing?

I'm fixing my watch, because the time is different where we are going.

Me too please? I help, you show me!
The father gives step by step instructions, even carefully guiding his son's fingers so that the job is done carefully and successfully; both Elliot and Daddy clap upon completing the task.

For the duration of the plane ride the two share laughs, trials, questions, hugs, rest, and everything in between. Elliot turns to everyone around him in confidence (including me), greeting them with:
Hi! I'm Elliot, this is my Daddy, and what is your name?



Meanwhile, I can't help but be completely blown away. This kid has got it, seriously got it. A four-year-old green-eyed stranger, with a thousand dollar smile, lives a rhythm that I desperately hope to learn.

Father God,
What are you doing?
I want to do it too!
What do you see?
Let me see too.
What is this you've put before me?
I know I'm secure with you.
I want to be more like you,
but I need your help;
Show me.
And when I still don't succeed,
Grab my every finger;
Lead and guide me.
Keep showing me who I am,
So that I am eager and confident to greet your children with:
Hi, I'm Ashley, THIS is my Father - He wants you to know your name too.


And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
Mark 10:13-15

all stirred up

"Most of us, no matter how badly we've messed up our lives, want to create a better life for ourselves and for those we love. If we have the privilege to live our lives free of the struggle for survival, this instinct within us begins to take our focus to the broader world. We somehow know we're supposed to be conduits of good. We're supposed to make the world a better place. Yes, when we connect to God, we begin to care more deeply about the world around us. But I'm convinced it's more than this."

-ERWIN RAPHAEL MCMANUS

Close To Home

Gunshots ring out in River North; officers wounded and suspect dead - Chicago Sun-Times



Recently, there was a fatal shooting on the southwest corner of our campus.



Something about being within ear-shot of flying bullets puts mortality in stark perspective. Moments of chaos like this one have been littered throughout the past seven months of my life.



Beyond my control I have watched and listened. I've spent days in the hospital with people I love; and wished I could've been there for others still. I have walked with peers; sharing many silent moments on the phone and untangling life over lunch tables.



I've sat with broken high school-ers as they try to learn to dream again, against all odds...Wrestled with inner-city schooling, at a Christian elementary, to the point of tears.



Sometimes the color fades to shades of gray and clarity gets lost in reality. The romanticized adult life wasn't supposed to have this shifting focus. Or was it?

A year of re-re-re-re-re-re-focus; keeping me on my knees, opening my heart to love. This is the good stuff.