Good Morning Vietnam?

The past couple of weeks, as I saw summer's end crawling towards me, I couldn't help but feel nauseous. My stomach churned as I thought of packing my things once again, and uprooting what feels like the veins to my heart. As background, I was blessed to participate in a Beth Moore study ("Believing God") this summer with women at Valleybrook church. The one night that particularly grabbed me was one in which Beth spoke about Joshua chapter 4; an account of when the Israelites walked through the Jordan River on dry ground, and set up twelve stones of remembrance. She was describing the fact that it's "in the middle of the river" that doubt and anxiety swell inside of us.

Honestly I was a little ashamed to admit that I've given Captain Doubt and Queen Anxiety giant foot-holds in my mind and heart. I was and am in the middle of a river. The side I came from is familiar, "safe", and fairly predictable. I know the escape routes, the back-up plans, and the extent of my support. I'm able to wrap my mind around it, and my friends and family readily approve. The side ahead of me is uncharted territory. It's risky and requires walking by faith. I don't have answers for the people I love, and I know it will cost me.

So I started going through some of my past journals, begging God to personally remind me of His faithfulness. (2 Timothy 2:13 assures me He is ever-faithful so I knew this wasn't an irrational request). I re-walked through a lot of minor miracles, and then stumbled upon something that shook me by the shoulders. In May, I had really felt as though the words of Isaiah 45:5 were meaningful for the coming summer (the one that's now behind me). I had no idea just how much I was saying when I wrote those words...
The verse reads: "I am the Lord; There is no other God. I have equipped you for battle..." and initially these words were intended for Cyrus in the Old Testament - but my eyes absorbed them freshly.

I couldn't help but literally shout thanks to my Father for the way He has completely gone before me in every circumstance of my life. Not only that; but I was humbly reminded of the fact that the only reason I made it through each "battle" was because He'd intentionally and specifically equipped me.

My current 'fight' is no different. I sighed and smiled today as I shared, with a best friend of mine, the battleground of my soul; (an intense metaphorical picture I do realize, but stay with me). During a chapter when I should be grabbing for control, frazzling my hair in confusion, tossing my face into my hands in defeat, or pounding the pavement in fear - I am still. And Proverbs 27:17 was so confirmed for me today when my friend looked at me and reminded me that the Word says "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today" Matthew 6:34. My current state is no surprise to the Creator of the cosmos.

I continued to read in my journal through the months leading from May until now; taking special notice to passages of scripture that I had recurrently written this summer: "...He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:28, "Patient endurance is what you need now..." Hebrews 10:36,1 Peter 5:7, "Don't worry about anything..." Philippians 4:6-7...

Talk about ammo for battle! It's as if God handed me a bazooka to blow fear in the face, and each verse made up another bullet. No doubt that God's weapon of choice is His Word, confirmed in Ephesians 6. I felt the theme establishing recently but couldn't have communicated the source of my confidence until I felt things beginning to stir into motion. Recurrently this summer I best described my state of being as 'I feel like life is happening to me instead of because of me'. < Hello preparation.

So the least I can do in return is stand. I stand in truth against fear, lies, and all evil as best as I know how. I feel more emotions than joy, but I'm equipped. I have yet to see but a portion of what I'm up against, but I know my God is bigger. My current life-theme-song (go ahead and laugh) makes for a nice conclusion actually: I'm Not Going Down, Jason Gray (This link brings you to a pretty poorly recorded version).

"He did this so all the nations of the earth might know that the Lord's hand is powerful, and so that you might fear the Lord your God forever" Joshua 4:24

The Diagnosis

I'm kind of a metaphor-o-holic; I just love them. I especially like using the medical model. So bear with me as I share from that sort of perspective.

I read recently of a woman who had cancer in her intestines. From the looks of things it didn't seem terminal and, (with the amazing technology we have at our disposal), removable. So a procedure was done in which four small incisions are made through which medical tools are inserted to more-or-less suck out the cancer. (It all seems like a video game of sorts to me). After the surgery, she recovered and appeared to be cancer-free. However only months later she was informed that it had "come back" more viciously than before. A second procedure was done in which surgeons pried her wide open on the operating table and hand-cut every piece of cancer, or pre-cancerous, material out. Now this is a gory picture; I know if I were in that operating room I'd be at least a little pale and nauseous (and that's if I were conscious)! I share it though because that's what the Great Physician has had to do with my heart.

I have a crippling, destructive, and aggressive disease: Fear. This is a condition whose very nature is anything but benign. It breeds lies, anger, confusion, frustration, selfishness, hurt, complacency, sadness, and even feigned apathy. Symptoms include swelling of pride, rapid heart-beat and restlessness, scattered thinking, unnecessary controlling tendencies, unusual pressure (as if carrying the world) on shoulder(s), and reoccurring thoughts of escaping, avoiding, and/or hiding, among others. It's most affected victims usually suffer from stagnancy; as it ranges from worry to panic to dread (to everything in between) to full-blown-crippling fear.

Once diagnosed, it's best to address the issue immediately. After all, the Great Physician doesn't ask us to ignore fear; instead to cast it on Him*. But, if not properly taken care of, it will return... most likely bigger and badder than ever before. You see, I'd opted with the less invasive procedure for my fear. And honestly, it worked for a time. Or perhaps I was able to ignore the initial returning symptoms. Whatever the matter, I was faced with a similar diagnosis recently but this time I knew it was time to address more than just the symptoms. Though more invasive, intrusive, and risky... my case called for all-out open heart surgery.

It's been a sort of on-going procedure this semester. Admittedly at times I get disgusted and even nauseous upon seeing some of the junk coming out of there. And truthfully, it's painful. I am continually tempted to numb myself with media, busyness, or other excuses. But I can't help but be reminded that these anesthetics are merely temporary and fleeting. Instead, in the midst of my squirming, I can't ignore the voice steadily saying "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."**

I'm vulnerable and fragile, but hopeful and confident. I relate to the Corinthians when it was written "In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." (Emphasis added)***. Like the psalmist David, I beg the Creator to "create in me a clean heart"#. I confidently walk toward the day of living in Freedom; a complete trust in, and obedience to, the Father. I've wasted so much time needing people instead of loving them and it's about time that changes. I've spent so much time planning instead of listening, and scurrying instead of seeking. Hello to the chapter of renovation, transformation and getting well, that I've been praying for. You've arrived sooner than I expected, but right on time.


*1 Peter 5:7
**Isaiah 41:10
***2 Corinthians 1:9
#Psalm 51:10

Things That Slither

What you should know as background information to the things I'm about to share: I have a small (okay, admittedly kind of large-ish) fear of snakes.

That being said... We have a pond in our yard that is lined with stones. They're not overly humongous, but they're large enough to be a heavy hassle. Recently, we were putting our pond back together for the summer and my job was to pick the stones up from the above outer edge and toss them down to my dad in the bottom of the pond. (A seemingly simple and mindless job) UNTIL I pick one up and a black snake slithers out from underneath it. (AH!) So, just as you can probably predict of any sissy-girl, I squealed and eeked and shrieked and skittered a few feet away, all the while screeching "snake, there was a snake, I swear, a snake!"





Fortunately, my dad was very understanding and he approached the rock pile to asses and take care of the situation for me. Needless to say, he picked up a rock and there was the snake (still as slithery and sick as ever). All the while my dad is saying "just come look at the little guy - check this out"; and finally picking it up and getting it out of there.

What's interesting is that God really used this situation to show me what it is that He wants to do in me this summer, only His plans have to do with my heart.

"I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’
“But you have cultivated wickedness and harvested a thriving crop of sins. You have eaten the fruit of lies..." -Hosea 10:12-13

Though the timing isn't what I would chose necessarily, I'm definitely being led to throw off the stony parts of my heart - the heavy, awkward, binding stones. Which is a little uncomfortable in itself; but beyond that, what I'm finding are dark slithery things hiding under them. Sins I thought I was through with, lies I didn't think I'd ever believe again, hurts I never dealt with, idols I could've sworn I'd torn down, and torment galore: aka SNAKES! I don't like them, and they're scary, and they make me want to run. Instead, I'm learning that I need nothing more than to whisper four letters "P-a-p-a". He's quick to respond and bounding with grace. He doesn't laugh at me, or shame me; but instead responds with "just come look at the little guy - check this out", before ridding my heart of it. God genuinely wants me to see my brokenness, my snakes (if you will), face on. So that I can claim and proclaim it to be exactly what it is - a sin, a lie, etc. He walks us through the middle of it all as He heals. Which if I'm being honest, it's teaching me that I have (unintentionally) ran from a lot of healing already.

This time is different though. This time I'm not running. I may jump or startle as the snakes surprise me from under the stones, but I'm equipped for battle. This time I'm ready to stand, fight, and ask for help. I'm learning to confidently enter the dark, cold places in my heart. Because I know that no matter what slithery things I find- they don't stand a chance. Exposed in the Light, they shrivel, whither, and flee. What's more, is that their absence makes room for joy, peace, love, patience (and fruits of all kinds) to flood in.

I won't settle for less.

"I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me.” - Hosea 14:8

and...I think all-the-while, I'll cling to that ^.

Dear May... Where Did You Even Come From!?

Between 'Summer' and Ashley: 13 days, 4 shifts at Barnes & Noble Cafe, 5 days of classes, 5 final papers ranging 3-15 pages each, 1 presentation, 3 finals, 1 volleyball meeting, 1 PCM night, some serious packing, and a whole lot of enjoying the relationships started here :). PHEW!

There's nothing like an 11pm ice cream run to keep motivations and homework-doing-spirits high...








Somehow I'm found at the end of the semester; always taken by how quickly time passes. It's been a semester of growth beyond measure. I didn't necessarily plan to come here. (Well for a month I did - but that's not the way I usually do things). Which started the semester off with a new, unique tone.

I came in wide-eyed and eager; and those qualities are only being refined in me. I found myself so quickly welcomed to dream, ask, fight, learn, explore, and share life. For some of the first times, I could voice the dreams God's laying on my heart and be encouraged. The professors here don't melt down when I give them my financial plans. No more "Oh Sweetheart, that sounds nice... now let me help you conform your passions to an occupation where you can make a lot of money". Never once have I heard "...but you're so smart, you could go so far". Instead I get to be spoiled in an environment in which "how can I help you get there, or do that?" frequents conversation. Beyond the community that has poured into me, I'm learning to draw.

God is the author of my life, but I don't think he minds me supplementing His story with my pictures as He gives me crayons <(click that link to read an awesome blog entry from one of my favorite authors: Donald Miller). I've said "yes" to so many opportunities He's given me. Sometimes I felt as though I were being dragged along, and sometimes I was intentionally running - but regardless of the season He continued to open doors. I joined the volleyball team, and participated in their Spring training. I joined a student group called Acting On Aids (through which I got to meet Kay Warren!!!), and next fall I may be an executive member. I worked at a cafe in the city, which has left me with a couple new pen-pals and irreplaceable relationships. I began attending a Hispanic church, which I'll get to serve in next semester. I learned to love prayer; I've seen glimpses of it's power. I took on a project on Addis Ababa which fueled a new-found passion for Ethiopia as a whole. I've discovered the joy of encouraging my peers through words (written & spoken) and gifts. And I've shared music with a freedom beyond my silly nerves.

(I do realize my Bethany Dillon fettish may be on the verge of unhealthy, but seriously - it's a good song... click the link >) I don't know what's in store for this summer; I just trust it will be good. I don't even know where I'll be working for sure yet - but I know who provides. Though I've put up a fight; though I've kicked, screamed, and cried... Philippians 4:6 has finally been sown into my heart and woven throughout the pieces of life God has taught me to trust him with (aka everything).
"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."
If only I could've learned and lived this 20 years ago.

It might be the end of a semester, but it's only the beginning of an adventure. One of: following God, maturing in faith, stretching in ways I couldn't have imagined or planned, seeking the Kingdom, loving my neighbor, praying unceasingly, living in integrity, deepening humility, learning obedience, growing in joy, sacrificing my sins, saying "YES!" to opportunities from my Creator, and soooo much more. I'm a walking mess; but I'm being taken from one degree of glory to another. And I'm stinkin' excited about that.

The Latest (& Greatest)

I was blessed this past Friday to have attended a concert at my school. Our student group, EMBRACE, hosted Micah Bournes in a concert that shook me in a lot of good ways. Micah is a senior communications major at Moody, and I can't wait to see where God leads him after this year. He is a rap artist with incredible talent. He presented Christ in such an amazingly creative way. I have to admit it was almost embarrassing for me at times because of the emotion that stirred within. While most people were compelled to dance and sway their heads to the beat; I couldn't help but be lost in the lyrics and clothed in the truth as my eyes welled and leaked. But beyond embarrassment, the concert as a whole (entitled "Be Prepared") left me convicted yet refreshed. I was left hungry but confident, and unsatisfied but free.


You wouldn't think I'd need to be reminded that my Savior is coming again... But I did, and I do. So easily I get stuck in the midst of the day-to-day trials and seemingly ever-growing hurts of the people and world around me. So easily I get discouraged at the amount of things I can't promise or do for people I love. When the reality is Jesus made a promise that trumps all. A promise that should drive my every waking moment. He's coming back. We get to join in the hope of the day in which He'll arrive like a thief in the night to take us home. It makes me take people's salvation a little more seriously, makes me walk a little more courageously, fight a little more fervently, pray a little more unceasingly, dream a little more kingdom-mindedly, and love a little more unconditionally.







As for an answer to prayer, I FOUND A CHURCH! For four weeks now I've been attending a church in Little Village Neighborhood in Chicago called "Neuva Vida" (New Life). It has already been such a gift unto my life. The neighborhood is somewhat reminiscent of the Dominican Republic or Mexico, (which makes driving, parking, and eating an adventure for sure), and it proves the community mind-set of the southern countries true! They're family. The pastor radiates the joy of the Lord and his faith seems to trickle down through the church. Beyond seeking intimacy with God, they really understand community; something I am attracted to, encouraged by, and aspire to. The first week we (my friend Katie and I) attended, we witnessed two people being baptized. It was such a beautiful picture of celebration amongst brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm hoping to get a little more involved now, and for next semester, with the youth group, women's groups, clean-up projects, or kids ministry... for now, I'm just joyful to have found another place I belong.