(dis)comfort, (dis)placement

This semester I took a class titled "Race, Poverty, and Social Justice". It's been an extremely good experience. Through books, discussions, and interactions I have come nose to nose with challenging thoughts and beliefs of mine and others - both consciously and unconsciously. I could've communicated before this class that race and class issues existed, but never have I come into contact with the depth and extent of the perpetual levels of mess involved.

Throughout the class we were assigned to make "excursions" to different parts of Chicago, displacing ourselves into another culture. We spent time, in groups, in Chinatown, Little Village (majority Mexican), the South side (majority African American), and near Devon (majority Middle-Eastern). The pictures in this blog are from those trips.

Yet even beyond the trips, I was challenged to analyze my every cross-cultural interaction. It was fascinating to seemingly unlock pieces of my heart as I sought awareness. As time has gone on, even within the semester, I have become eager to cross boundaries of class and race. I've pursued the uncomfortable as the value in risk has unfolded. It's as if I caught this unshakable bug that won't rest without people knowing they have worth; especially people whom the rest of the world has written off. I crave to touch the "untouchable".

And honestly I don't really know how to go about it all yet. I don't know the right or best way of appropriately loving strangers (more or less), but I'm chasing answers. I'm carefully prayerful about it as I'm convinced it's God's heart to see and love people right where they're at. I'm learning to be still in the midst of new contexts and exchanges, knowing discernment takes time. And finally I've concluded that as long as I'm at school in the city, I won't be satisfied unless I'm smothering it on me - and me on it!

FFFFFF

FOOD
I've always enjoyed food; especially with good company. But this semester I've developed a particular interest in actually gaining an awareness of WHAT is in the food I'm eating. (Though, I've quickly learned that sometimes it's just best not to think about it). Anyway, this has led me - in a round about way - to want to learn to cook and bake more and better. (That was a ridiculous sentence grammatically, but I hope you can get past it and stay with me).

FRIEND
I'd like to introduce you to my friend Katie... she too wishes she had a million dollar gift card to Whole Foods; and she is just an all-around fantastic woman.

FUN
We decided that it would be fun to learn about food together and share some cooking/baking experiences. Being the creative women that we are, we of course opted to start our own "cooking show". Now I'm not sure you can call it a show because it hasn't yet been filmed and it's timing of events is very sporadic; BUT our dream is to eventually pay for our future children's college tuition(s) with it's profit ;)!

FLAMMABLE
We have named our show Flammable (for which you will see why shortly) and given it the tag-line of "No Recipes Allowed!" (because we've agreed to never use a recipe, besides those stored within our mind). (I really need to stop using parentheses). You don't need to know all of the rules to appreciate the concept.

FAIL
Our first attempt was home/dorm-made granola. It was developing just fine until we doused it in honey, turned the oven to 385 degrees, and then went to our room to talk about boys... I mean work on homework ... - forgetting to set a timer. Needless to say, those are not chocolate chips or chocolate residue on the pan. That's charcoaled, torched, carcinogen-flavored granola. Hahahahah!


FINALLY
We just couldn't settle for failure, so we adjusted some of our ingredients and tried a second time. After air-ing out the kitchen and cleaning the pan, of course, we claimed success; having made a delicious midnight snack, sharing a stomach-wrenching laugh, and agreeing to double the recipe next time.



...more adventures to come

DTR

So at Moody, we have an acronym for pretty much everything. "DTR" stands for "define-the-relationship". It can be used in various contexts to reference a number of things. For example, when a guy has taken the initiative to look up your phone number in the school directory, and texted you multiple times a day since, and you're just not that interested... you perhaps meet him for lunch in the SDR (student-dining-room) for a DTR. Or, if a girl has been subtly dropping hints that she digs you, and you'd be overjoyed to have her as your girlfriend... it might be time to take her to coffee and DTR. Now that you have a clearer understanding of my chosen title, I'll move on.

Today at our school we had what's called a "Day One", which is more or less a tour day for prospective or incoming students. What was particularly unique about this specific tour day for me was that one year ago today, I was on the opposite side of the process; a prospective taking part in a "Day One". And though it seems like it's been much longer than a year, I still remember it pretty vividly.

After a year together, it only seems appropriate that I DTR ;) - and I thought I'd invite you in on this!

Dear MBI,
I would have to say that we've shared quite the year together and things are going pretty well. I commend you on being so very gentlemenly (you should know by now that I like to make up words) in paying for the majority of our time together. I also just want to thank you for accepting me, short-comings and all! I must admit that you've played a big role in shaping me this past year. You continually challenge me to be everything that I was created to be. You have challenged, grown, and stretched me in ways I couldn't have imagined. You've introduced me to some of your amazing friends (By The Hand ministry, Soul City Church, etc) and drawn me out into crazy places throughout Chicago!
I will confess that your requiring of me to sacrifice proximity to family, Jared, and friends has inevitably stirred doubts in me - I just wasn't sure we could work out. But I must say that I've found contentment in the balance and you've been quite the pleasant surprise!
Don't get too excited here, because I am in no way contemplating an actual relationship with you. (I've got a great guy already). I'm simply suggesting that we continue to be friends; granted it will most likely be long-distance after the Spring of 2012. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that you've been good and unlike anything I've met before. I consider myself blessed to have had this past year. I think we've got a good thing going! I hope you feel the same.

Sincerely,
Ash

My Future Child

"...HE is a MIGHTY SAVIOR. HE will take delight in you with gladness. With HIS love HE will calm ALL your fears. HE will rejoice over you with joyful songs" -Zephaniah 3:17

You know, I think I'm going to name one of my children Zephaniah. (Standing against the fear that peers may call him "Phanny", lol). Seriously though... I want to always be reminded of the truths of this verse. AND that my child would literally wear it across their chest, warms me already.

Picture it with me now;
"HELLO my name is: The Lord's Delight, Comforted One, Rejoiced Upon. But you can call me Zephaniah.

In the midst of battling shames of any kind - HE WILL DELIGHT IN (ME) WITH GLADNESS.
In the midst of fighting lies from every direction - HE WILL CALM ALL (MY) FEARS.
In the midst of my every short-coming - HE WILL REJOICE OVER (ME).

And yes, that's really all I have to say for today.

Leaves are Falling, Seasons are Flying

This past weekend we played in the Regional volleyball tournament in Michigan. We took third place, which means I won't be soaking sun in Florida for Nationals...lol. But it was a great wrap up to a particularly great season.

We finished with a record of something like 22-6, and claimed a number of those W's from talented teams that deemed us underdogs. We were a team of eleven girls whose tallest player was characteristic of the shortest on some teams. We started the year with a new coach and team, curiously filled with expectations. As a family we were pushed physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Never have I experienced such a rapid, but genuine, knitting together of lives.

These people quickly became so valuable to me. As cliche as it sounds, we shared blood, sweat, and tears. We moaned together while stretching after lunges, rubbed our eyes as we loaded the bus for tournaments, and shared everything from shampoo to clothes to deodorant. We pushed and challenged each other. We compared bruises and blisters, and bottles of pain killer.

We learned how to juggle sports, school, work, and life; and perhaps more importantly how to admit that sometimes we just can't do it all. This season, volleyball was more than a sport for me. I've never experienced such community with athletics. We shared life not because we had to, but because we wanted to. I was free to encourage and be encouraged. It became a season of refining strengths instead of learning weaknesses. Beyond developing physical skill, it included character development. We failed, fought, and succeeded together. We laughed, cried, prayed, sang, and danced as a team.

I'll most remember eating at Red Robin; playing a game where we all hold hands under the table and flip a coin to see who can grab a ketchup bottle the quickest. I won't forget eating at Culver's discussing whether you "chuck" or "chunk" a ball. I hope I always remember the Grace Bible Tournament where a coach scouted our team, taking vigorous notes for two whole games on me, and other non-starters; only to find out he'd wasted an hour (and a lot of ink) because the girls his team would face were on our bench that day, hahaha! I'll remember when Rachel lost her toenail, and Katie lost her 'finger-tube'. I won't forget warming up each game with Megan Curtiss. I'll most remember when Hannah came back to the bench and missed her chair completely, lol. And I can't forget movie night when coach came flying on his stomach, on a rolling desk chair, and kicked a cup of apple cider out of my hand! Honestly, I could go on and on because this has really been a scrapbook worthy season, and I'm sure it will build it's own camp on my memory lane.

As it's all said and done, I'm so thankful to have been a part of it. Through nearly sleepless nights and road trips marked by carsickness, I take away from the experience much more than I could count as lost. I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded with people to love and be loved by. Here's to a season marked by surprises galore!


Moody Volleyball 2010: "We provide the effort, God provides the results".

More Coffee Shop Ramblings

While in Chicago I've gotten the chance to continue serving coffee at a busy downtown Cafe. Though the line is usually as long as those at popular amusement parks, there is one gentleman who comes every Tuesday and Thursday for a small coffee and for more reason than one he has become a favorite of mine. I recently learned his name and a bit of his story, and he has since learned mine as well. Earlier this week however, he unintentionally challenged me in a way that only a friendly acquaintance could.

I was surprised but blessed when he sat across from me, after respectfully receiving permission, while I was enjoying a bagel and tea on my break. He had a genuine yet un-intrusive interest in sharing life with people as he'd just moved to the city. In his hands he held a bible, so I deemed "Where do you go to church?" as appropriate small talk. I was curious when he responded with "Moody Church" and continued to question. He then asked me to share about some of the churches I'd visited in Chicago and where I go now. I first asked if he's heard of "New Life Church" as there are about 12 throughout Chicago. He responded with a no. We exchanged for a bit about Spanish-speaking services and then I began to share my Soul City experience. I was joyfully diving into how unique it is to be part of a church plant when he interrupted to say "I'm sorry, I should've prefaced this conversation by saying I've only been Christian for about 7 months"; he paused to chuckle and went on saying, "So I'm not sure what New Life Church is, or what a church plant or launch is".

Whoa.

So (smiling, and wanting to eek that we'd been blessed to connect) I sincerely apologized and explained; clearing things as much as I could and pausing to answer any question.

But Whoa...

I couldn't help but stare into the mirror he'd metaphorically held up in front of my nose. How do I come off? What do I assume? How do my assumptions change the way I treat and talk to people? Have I gotten so used to the Christian bubble that I've become a snob? Had he exposed pride? Is my history transparent enough to be welcoming? Have I so quickly forgotten where I came from?

It was an honest mistake, but I don't believe my words are ultimately excusable. I don't wish for the things I say or the way I say them to make someone feel inferior. I'm forced to reassess whether I am sharing things in a way that suggests I'd like a pat on the back, or merely because my heart is bursting with urgency to invite others to join me. I know the words I speak come from the heart (Matthew 15:18) and so I'd be a fool to not address factors beyond the surface.

I'm to follow the example of Christ. I better get off my high horse and find a donkey!

Untitled

There is a man who frequents the coffee shop I worked at in Eau Claire. For the sake of privacy, I'll refer to him as Pete.

One Saturday this past summer Pete came in and I didn't have to ask if his heart was heavy, because his eyes said it all. As an attempt to distract, I offered his usual. While he solemnly nodded his head - biting his lip as he forced a smile - I whispered asking God for the strength to meet him in the middle of his pain. As I made his sandwich he reminded me of the fact that he stops by to get a bite to eat on his way to the cemetery, to see his wife's grave, (who passed three years ago). Acknowledging that I heard him, I thanked him for choosing to come; chuckling in agreement that he wasn't going to find a better lunch in town. While his sandwich cooked, I came back around the counter to hand him a drink when he asked if I'd like to see a picture of his wife... I readily agreed.

Pete came back from his car, slowly - (he's almost 90 after all); and as he set her picture on the counter, the wrinkles on his face became a sort of pinball course for the tears wetting the collar of his shirt. Attempting to offer comfort, I asked where he met such a beautiful gal. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to enter a past realm as he vividly described the way he had come back from war and saw her dancing at a school dance. He reminisced about the way he confidently looked her in the eye and said "you know, I'm guna' marry you"... going on to say "and two years later, she said yes"! He laughed, sighed, and cried as he reminisced some of the moments they'd shared.

I share this story today because I didn't realize then what I was learning. I was merely a listener; yet my ears offered consoling that I can't explain. This semester has been one in which so many of the relationships in my life have been marked by trying situations; people I walk with daily are seemingly battling the weight of life. In the midst of this, I'm learning the value of meeting them in their muck. I'm realizing the importance of simply sharing life as Romans 12* paints it. I have less answers to offer, but a softened heart. I can't promise to take away all their hurt, fear, or trials - but I can share with them the love of my Jesus. As I rediscover the power of a person's story, I'm embracing the intimacy that comes with transparency and displacement. I'm reminded this season that I have but scratched the surface in living the truth that it's simply not about me.




*Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!" -Romans 12:15-16 (NLT)

Waiting or Walking, part 1

This entire entry is from the blog of my new church (Soul City!) :). Here's the link to the actual post: http://soulcityblog.com/opening-doors/. I've appropriately titled this blog as "part 1", because I plan to give my two cents at a later time. But enjoy the words of Jeanne Stevens for today!



Jesus Heals a Paralytic
“A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even
outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:1 – 4

"I love this story for many reasons; of course anytime Jesus heals someone it reminds me of his miraculous touch and his desire to bring peace to the afflicted. I also love that it’s only Chapter 2 of the Gospel of Mark and Jesus is drawing the kinds of crowds from his teaching that create a standing room only situation. But I think what I love most about this story is the 4 men of faith that carried their friend on a mat to see Jesus. It didn’t matter to them that there was a huge crowd, it didn’t matter to them that Jesus was in the middle of teaching the word It didn’t matter what the potential outcome of the interaction would be with Jesus – they had no guarantee that their friend would be healed. It didn’t matter to them that there was no way in to see Jesus – they decided to create one.

These four men of faith decided not to wait for an open door opportunity – instead they decided to create an open door – in the roof. They loved their friend and they had a holy determination that their friend needed to see Jesus.
I can picture Jesus preaching and all of a sudden in the middle of a great story he is telling or a point that he is trying to drive home a skylight is created in the roof and down comes a man. I can imagine Jesus looking up at the 4 guys holding the 4 ropes while their friend lay on a mat and beaming over their gutsy and unconventional faith that pushed them to create an open door opportunity for their friend to be healed.

I want that kind of determination in my faith. I want the kind of raw gutsy belief that would cause me to climb on top of a building and cut a hole in it – just so my friend could see Jesus.

I want to be daring instead of waiting around making excuses as to why it’s not a good time for me to step out in faith.

I have come to believe that praying for open doors is a cheap way of asking God to take away the pain of what it means to walk by faith. Being hopeful of what we can’t see is sometimes just plain terrifying – but it can also be delightful."

Recent Readings

Two, (completely unrelated), snippets of things I've been reading lately. Happy Sunday, enjoy!

"So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
Though the Lord gave you adversity for good
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
"This is the way you should go,"
whether to the right or to the left.
Then you will destroy all your silver idols
and your precious gold images.
You will throw them out like filthy rags,
saying to them, "Good riddance!""
-Isaiah 30: 18-22 (NLT, emphasis added)


"...The other problem with real life is it’s hard to tell whether or not you are the bad guy. We all believe we are the good guy or that our words and actions are justified. The other day I lost my temper at a stranger. I really let them have it. I still feel like they deserved it. It was a bully situation in which somebody was being threatened. But I went too far, honestly. I pretty much said things that person will be thinking about for years. I went for the jugular and put him in his place. Or perhaps it went in one ear and out the other, I don’t know. But regardless, I was thinking about that today, and realized that the things I said could be placed word for word into a film in which the character that said it got “what they deserved” at the end and nobody would really care. Stink. Can’t believe I said those things.

The point is, story can teach us something about what we should and shouldn’t say or do. Before you unload on your spouse or kids, ask yourself if a character in a movie treated their wife or husband the way you are about to treat your wife or husband, would they be the good guy or the bad guy? Story can help us step outside ourselves and see a dynamic with more wisdom.

The sad truth is, good guys often get taken advantage of. When I lose my temper, it’s usually because I don’t want to get taken advantage of, I don’t want to be disrespected. I’ve stepped into a game in which people are keeping score, and I’m determined not to lose. But the truth is, there is no game, it’s just a hoax, and the only way to show others there is no game is to lose and show how much it didn’t matter. Perhaps that’s why Jesus asks us to turn the other cheek, to give our shirt to somebody who asks for our coat and so forth. He wants us to show people we aren’t playing their game."
-Donald Miller

Algunas Fotos

You must be sick of reading so much, and I don't have much time, so here's a scrapbook entry of some fun things I've been up to!



Volleyball is still such a treat. We sing as a team for the National Anthem at home games, (pretty awesome, I know).


Visiting "the (notorious) Bean" with some new Bro/Sis: Nate, Me, Sarah, Rachel & Ben :).


We accidentally stumbled upon one of the city's hidden treasures; a beautiful park outside the Art Institute.


Add this^ to the list of reasons I love going to school in Chicago: Museum FREE Days!


Inside the Chicago Field Museum, the dinosaur is named "Sue". My initial thought: really? haha!


Currently, the museum has an entire exhibit on Africa :), and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


...after some ice cream and an adventurous day with friends, I hate to admit that the darn city is growing on me.

That's all folks!

Pounding the Pavement

I've been "running" pretty regularly now since June. I started out as downright horrible, and now I'd like to argue that I'm only fairly terrible! Honestly, I am not great at pushing myself physically. I have to play mental games with myself continuously. Now beyond my personal pride issues, there will likely never be a pressing reason that I'll need to be able to run 14 miles... but it's a life goal of mine none the less.

The city poses as quite the obstacle when it comes to distance running. The busy sidewalks, the noise that competes with my motivational music, and the potential stop-light every block or so really creates for an interesting atmosphere. Therefore, I've made it a habit to run to, and then along, Lake Michigan. Lately it's been a place of extremely high traffic as many (much more conditioned) runners are training for the Chicago Marathon on 10/10/10. I recently found myself in the middle of a group of runners with numbered tags, huffing along with them until there was a grassy clearing in which a woman was collecting cups that runners had tossed aside. I took this as my out, and began to help her throw the cups away. She kindly informed me that this was the "20 Miler", a marathon preparation run. Holy cow! Maybe someday I'll be that legit? Okay, probably not... hahaha!

On a different occasion I was running through an intersection and stopped stunned in my tracks as I saw Vince Vaughn approaching. I kid you not. Now as I said, I was running; so I didn't have a camera, my phone, or even a pen and so you'll just have to take my word. It wasn't until about ten paces after he'd passed that I found myself wishing I would've at least said good morning. Hopefully I'll get another chance to interact with someone of that status. After all, I live in Chicago (which is pretty stinkin' cool).

I had a another crazy running experience this past Sunday. I ran into, (don't worry , not literally), a man from the new church I've been attending/helping-to-plant (details on this to come soon, I promise). His name is "JeDay", and he's from Niger. It was a special treat to meet him that morning as he was 6 miles from his home and I was 3 from mine. The city can seem overwhelmingly big sometimes, but moments like this balance my perspective. All this to say that running has been such an awesome way to interact with the place I live; I may need to periodically consult my legs on this one, but I think I'll press on :)

culture, culture, culture

I love to eat with my hands. I'm not going to lie. Even when I use a utensil, I sometimes find myself pushing the food onto it using my hands. I'm going to go ahead and assume a handful of you are trying to hold in a "gross!". I know, I know... I'll try to act "civil" if you eat a meal with me. However, add this to the list of reasons I so appreciate other cultures - most are unashamed to eat with their hands.

Language is also fascinating to me, (of which I'll include accents as well). I've studied a limited amount of Spanish, but I hope to someday have the time and resources to really explore some languages. The variety and creativity is as beautiful as music; playfully incorporating tones, rhythms, and all things linguistical. In fact, I wouldn't mind listening to an Australian read my class syllabi or a Nigerian reading the nutritional labels on cereal boxes - I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm not hard to please, haha.

Not only am I interested in learning what it means to talk the talk cross-culturally, but also how people walk the walk - as defined internationally. Social interactions is something I have little knowledge about in cultures other than my own. This morning I had breakfast with a friend from Southeast England. I asked him what he missed most about home. He explained that here he usually feels as though he's fighting being perceived as rude. Though we, as Americans, may be welcoming; we also hold to a certain social status in which everyone actively participates in conversation and events. It's an enjoyable emphasis, but undoubtedly overwhelming (even for me, a born-and-raised, occasionally).

I also learned of how uniquely competitive America is. Admittedly I've wrestled with this at times. I'm all about having a good time. I enjoy pushing myself and competing, but usually if what I'm participating in has lost the primarily goal of enjoyment - I'm out. My England friend was reminiscing about playing soccer back home after asking me about volleyball. He was saying they would practice one day a week for a little over and hour, and then play a game each week as well. He couldn't believe that it was status-quo for athletes here to practice multiple hours each day, year round; and train outside of their scheduled times as well. In this he shared that the game of soccer, overseas, has a sort of creativity woven into it. Players explore new things and the game stays fresh and interesting to viewers. America so emphasizes the training/conditioning/fundamental aspect of it that it seems creativity is limited by the player's fear of making a mistake.

What's better or worse? It's all debatable. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know and haven't experienced. Is my love for studying international relations increasing? Absolutely! Am I humbled as my school and city challenge my world view to grow? Continually. What do I do with these passions and interests? I haven't a clue :). So I'll be satisfied in living as a learner; content in enjoying the complexity of human nature.

One Month Gone, Many Lessons Gained

Lesson #1: How People React To You Is All About Context.
My PCM (weekly service act) this semester rocks. I'm serving with an organization called "By The Hand" (comparable to Boys&Girls Club) in an area of Chicago known as Cabrini-Green, which is notoriously a 'recovering-projects' type neighborhood. (Well actually the city is perhaps wiping it out entirely, but that's another story). So, I was walking there (with my backpack on, eating a tuna sandwich, and drinking from a milk carton); when an officer stopped me. He gave me a sort of 'Good Afternoon Miss, are you lost?'. I responded with "anything but" and a smile. Upon walking through the door of the organization, a familiar face introduced me to her manager. He responded with some clapping, jumping, and a gleeful “You’re a God-Send!” (Lol), and then he went on to make note of my favorite cookie and tease me about how white my name is.

Lesson #2: Fresh Perspective Can Do A Soul Some Good.
I can be rather selfish when I have a lot to do. It's as if I switch into some sort of auto-pilot mode, mindlessly juggling responsibilities. Under these circumstances, any unplanned interruptions usually get disregarded, ignored, or yelled at. But this past Wednesday my dear friend was taken by ambulance to a local Emergency Department. Needless to say, I spent the day there with her, erasing eight hours of agenda in a moment's notice (willingly). My window of perspective was literally shaken and shattered as I was forced to seriously take heart as to what matters. Does it really matter if I don't finish this reading, go to this class, attend this event, be at this practice, etc, etc? I was caught in the tragedy of realizing that I had made things about obligations, lists, and responsibilities. How ridiculously unfulfilling it is to live for and focus on such temporary items. If I want to live free of hypocrisy, it has to be about relationships; obedience, love, and selflessness.

Lesson #3: People have hidden talents :).

A friend of mine (Sarah) from the Vball team can paint toenails awesomely! I just couldn't resist sharing...

Lesson #4: Never say never!

So my immensely tight schedule really limited my class options for the semester. But I wasn't ready to settle for a light load as I'm still playing a little game of catch-up credit-wise. So after a couple conversations with professors and department chairs, I get to participate in a "directed study" this semester :D. Basically, I'll receive three credits to fulfill my "Ministry Skills Elective" requirement by reading/researching and writing about stuff my heart totally beats for. I'll be reading two Catherine Hamlin books, along with a book called "Half the Sky" and one titled "Shepherding Women in Pain". WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! I more or less get to design the class under supervision of a professor. AND I recently found a ministry that serves fistula women in the Congo whose base is in Chicago! (You can bet I'm going to interview them as my class project!) I'm also taking a class this semester called 'Race, Poverty, & Social Justice' which I can already tell I'm going to LOVE (and hate). And I'm taking Philosophy as well, which just makes me sweat :P. Really each of my classes this semester should be bomb.

Lesson #5: Today's joys may be tomorrow's therapy.
As the semester drops gears to "FULL FORCE" I am ever aware of the discipline that will be asked of me. I've got a lot on my plate... much by choice, some by obligation, and a bit out of requirement. Nonetheless, I'm thrilled & filled with anticipation. There will come a time in the semester when the overwhelmed-ness that is tying knots in my stomach will question ‘what have you gotten yourself into’, and threaten ‘you can’t do this’. But as for now, I’m expectant of the opportunities and experiences to come. So I take the initiative to type it out, in case I need to come back and remind myself just what privileges and joys are tucked into each corner of my life this fall.

A Total UN-Eclipse of the Heart

Phew! So honestly, these past couple nights are really the first time I've had time & space to process the past few weeks. And quite frankly, they haven't been super easy. In fact, many aspects of "my world" have experienced a sort of paradigm shift, if they've not been flipped completely upside down.

Back in May, I began to allow myself into the darker parts of my heart as a renovation began to take place. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that I have cultivated wickedness and harvested a thriving crop of sins. I have eaten the fruit of lies. (Hosea 10:12-13). Yet as that journey began, I was also assured that I was safe. "I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me.” - Hosea 14:8

Admittedly however, I've felt anything but safe starting out the semester this fall. I've been challenged and surprised; relationally, vocationally, financially, academically, physically, spiritually, etc.

When I'm honest, I can confess that my biggest human character flaw is inconsistency. Too often I've suffered from a mind of fear, or been seemingly paralyzed by a hesitant heart. It's the difference between able and willing. This past summer was one during which I learned how very capable I am. In the midst of some colorful trials of mind, body, and spirit; I was shown more and more of who God says I am - who He created me to be. And now that I've walked through that, it's a new chapter of answering will I?s instead of can I?s.

As if to obliterate any potential misunderstanding, ideas like these have recurrently appeared in my life recently.
A professor of mine, Professor Craigen, was speaking in class this past week and it gave me chills. He was raising the idea that so often we sit and debate what kind of light we are, instead of just going to be one. We ask 'am I evangelical, protestant, baptist, pentacostal, etc, etc'. Are we missing the point? We want to know more and more; hear more sermons and read more books. We subscribe to podcasts and keep up on blogs. Isn't it more important that we put what we're learning into practice. He challenged us to take one idea, one thing, from each Sunday we attend church and live it, expecting nothing less than for our life and those around us to radically change.
During chapel in the first week of school, one of the speakers quoted a chinese proverb that reads something like "we spend so much time cursing the darkness instead of lighting a candle". I sit and study theology instead of going out and getting uncomfortable. I make excuses because displacing myself is messy. When the reality is we weren't meant to merely survive the world, we were meant to change it. However, that requires an uncircumstancial willingness and selflessness. I hope and pray that those qualities grow in me. I don’t want to just go through the motions of life. I know I won’t be satisfied looking back if I haven’t written a story worth reading.

So I raise my metaphorical glass to stretching myself. I've seen but a glimpse of the challenges to come, but I've also only had a mere peek at the joy to come. My own heart is becoming more and more visible to me. As my faith and trust is tested, my expectancy grows. This semester already has been, and will most likely continue to be, one that pushes me to the very edge of everything I believe, think, or know. Hello to a new chapter of learning, refining my faith, renovating my heart, deepening relationships, standing in the rain, challenging my everything, and praying unceasingly through it all.

Thanks for journeying with me.

What's The "Skinny"?

This past weekend we had our first VOLLEYBALL tournamnet! This whole adventure has definitely challenged me both physically and mentally, but God knew I needed these girls. After our first tournament (and taking first place!), I just can't wait for more to come!












My New Room!











^^Two sweet things: My Wall Map & The View From My Window!! The map's a good, constant, reminder that I'm not the center of the universe. The view... it rocks just as much (maybe more) at night.


Finally, Here's to a semseter of being BOLD.



So, I wrote a letter to a state rep, pretty much pleading for him to cosponsor a newly proposed bill that concerns international aid to Fistula prevention and relief, (ahh- crazy cool opportunity)! Join me by getting your Pray on ;).


More to come, stay tuned.

An Ashley Update

Fall is officially into motion, with or without my permission! I've been at Moody for 8 days or so now and will admit that the semester has already greeted me like a roller coaster ride. I guess it's time I buckle up, helmet up, and scream "look mom, no hands!" haha. Enjoy some photos before I spill my heart:




Those Chicago city lights are definitely growing on me


My Photo-Buddy, Katie, & I at the beach


Burying Rachel in the sand... epic.


A traditional game of Buck-Buck at Moody :P


My Roommate Jenn & I... LOVE her!!


Just for my mom; the first day of school 0:)


In other news; here's the current condition of my heart:

This morning I read Psalm 23. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need" (vs1). He knew I'd need that. My life was interrupted today by some financial surprises. My dreamy, sparkling eyes suddenly zoomed and locked on the pending reality of weighted decisions. I was forced to continually remind myself that the Creator of the universe is not shocked by my current circumstance and seeming predicament. As I sat through meetings with advisers, I literally whispered the words of Jeremiah 29 so as to hold off the stream of anxiety trying to reach my fragile heart.

Being the plan-machine that I am, I am always caught off guard when I realize how out of control I am. You'd think after learning time and time again that my life is a stewardship and not an ownership, I'd have moved beyond pretending to be in control... yet I'm found humbled once again. I don't like being vulnerable and my worst fear is to be a burden; however I'm left accepting that the uncomfortable moments serve to drive us deeper in relationship. Plain and simple, I'm needy in so many ways. I need a Savior just as bad as the next person. I run around like I have it all together, but honestly this season of my life is so teaching me of my brokenness. I dig myself into holes and sometimes have trouble keeping my head above the water. Day in and day out I'm dependant for my every breath.

In the only class I had today, my professor brought up Timothy. The only verse I know in Timothy well is "If we are UNfaithful, He REMAINS faithful, for He cannot deny who He is", 2 Timothy 2:13. Amen. I don't have answers but I cast my burdens on the One who cares (1 Peter 5:7). I stay grounded and seek discernment- responsibly and rationally. I'm not alone. "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me", Psalm 23:4 (Like I said, He knew I needed that Psalm!).

Still a favorite song: Hallelujah, Bethany Dillon