A Journey of Humility

"Humility begins by emptying ourselves of ourselves. It is about coming to God without agenda and without reservation. If you are still relating to God through negotiations, you have not yet found the path of humility." -from the book Uprising by Erwin McManus

I find myself at such a place of joy today. For so long I was blind to what relationship with God looked like, but I finally feel as though the log is being removed from my sight. Looking back, I remain amazed at how far I've been carried; and my whole journey has been one of learning humility.

I've been told I have an aura, if you will, of innocence. Perhaps it's my small stature, my feminine voice, or my long hair that hides my pride. No matter the reason, for a long, long, time I acted as though I was capable of creating a life worth living. With things big and small I felt responsible to figure everything out. The humorous part of this is that I pretended like I was going to let God have a small role. I was "Christian" because I acknowledged Christ. I, honestly, would pray things like "God, I am going to go to ______ college, (or) speak to _______ person, (or) do _______ thing, so please bless that". More or less I informed God of my agenda and invited Him to watch me, and if He so desired- to drop a blessing in here and there.

It wasn't until this past summer that I was broken enough to say, ' you know what... I'm doing something wrong here and I am desperate for new life'. I began to learn to let go. I threw my agendas, plans, and reservations out the door. (Don't get me wrong, this wasn't without some fear and hesitation). I began to pray prayers of "God lead me", "God take me wherever you want me", "God renovate me", God use me however you want", "Speak to and through me", "I'm not in it if you're not", etc. The repercussions of this at first looked similar to disorientation. I felt more lost and confused. Ironically (or not) it drove me to my knees. It pushed me to a place where I needed God's Will to pass in my life or it was going to be the end of me. At first I kept trying to help Him, but THIS IS THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He doesn't need my help. I quickly learned that He was only disorienting me so that I would let Him reorient me.

When I finally let go, and simply stood in agreement with God; it was as if He took my hand and ran - pulling me along like a child. I knew I was supposed to talk to my pastor, but I couldn't give him a good reason why. Yet he is the reason I found out about MBI. I applied for Moody 16 days after the "last" deadline, completing five 500word essays in one night. I attended the last tour day before their winter break, received a full-tuition-paid scholarship, and I had just enough saved up in my bank account to not have to take out a loan for room and board this semester. And here I am. Not only did He run me to a new school, town, and community; He ran me into Freedom. People ask how I'm doing and the word "well" is the best adjective I can come up with, but that is an incredible understatement. This brings me back to the fact that this whole journey has been about humility. It almost feels like it's been orchestrated beyond me, and I'm just watching it all from the outside.

Before I left for Chicago, I (very hesitantly) shared some of the songs I've written with my church community. Pushing through nervous laughs, sweaty palms, and shaky hands began to stretch me. Last night I was then able to share one of them with my new community here. This isn't who I used to be. This would've been way out of my comfort zone. BUT, God spoke through the words of my (nervously played) song to strike a chord in at least one girl's heart; and that makes everything worth it. I'm continually humbled to see that my ability is small, but when I'm walking in obedience signs and wonders will follow. God will always show up. I have so much to learn but I am excited instead of discouraged.

The theme verse (from 2 Corinthians) for our floor, in my dorm, resonates with all this; it refers to the fact that God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and that His grace is sufficient for us. Amen to that.